Duodecim - #ownvoices YA Science Fiction [REVISED]

God damn it, he was going to make it this time. [Who is he? Make what? This is too vague for your first sentence.] It [What is "it" referring to?]was right at the end of the hallway, and the handles on the double doors were shining in the moonlight through the window like a playful little tease. Two years of trying to push himself to go inside, and he was determined to have them culminate in this moment. [While I can guess that he is at a door, I'm not so sure this paragraph is interesting enough to make me want to read on. I'm not sure what he is afraid of, what he's looking for or trying to accomplish, or what is preventing him from opening the door.]

He wouldn’t get caught this time. [This is too similar to your opening sentence of the above paragraph.] He wouldn’t stop himself, either. Rolling his shoulders back, he walked carefully across the creaking floorboards of his old home to his parents’ quarters. [Now we know where he is, but I think this needs to be in the first paragraph, or some other hint.] The last place they were seen before they vanished into thin air. [Vanished into thin air is a cliche.] The one area he’d always been forbidden to go, even as a child. [You write that this is the last place the parents were seen, but if your MC was forbidden to go into his parents' quarters, then who had seen them there?]

As he came to stand in front of the doors, the air felt alive with electricity, [Air felt alive with electricity is a cliche.] and there was a strange humidity that he hadn’t noticed ten feet back. It seemed to mimic the heavy anxiety shooting around in his stomach. [I'm having a hard time understanding how humidity can mimic anxiety, but I like the attempt you're making here. Try rewording it?]  He felt like a little kid again, getting caught for playing tricks on the maid. [This is good--gives me a better sense of what he's up against, but I'm still unsure why he can't simply open the door.]

Anxiety be damned, Blake [Ah, the MC! I would definitely put his name in the first paragraph.] was going to walk through those doors. Holding his breath, he reached out to touch the doorknob, jerking his hand back as static shock jolted up his hand. “What the f--,” he started before biting his lips together and running his fingers through his hair in irritation. No, he was too close to give up again.

Blake reached out with both hands, holding the two knobs. He could do this. Three…two...one— [So now that he is holding the knobs, does he not get shocked a second time?]

“Why am I always catchin’ you in places you shouldn’t be?”

I read both versions and while this version gives us a better grasp of the SciFi element and also gives us more conflict, I am left confused to what is happening. If the parents had vanished, why aren't there more people milling around the house looking for them? If this is a world where no one else would be involved (for example, no police), then that needs to be explained. I think you're missing out on much-needed world building.

I also don't understand why Blake doesn't just bust open the doors if he knows his parents are missing. He is too cautious under the circumstances, and his anxiety isn't believable to me.

Maybe if he knew that the door was rigged with electricity right from the beginning, that might help up the stakes a bit more. He has to power through the pain of getting shocked in order to open the door. The fear of getting caught seems weak to me because if the parents are the only ones who forbid him to go into the room, and they're missing, then what's stopping him? His need to find out what happened to his parents needs to be the big goal in this scene, and the electrified door is the obstacle. Bring all of that out more clearly, while giving us a stronger picture of this world he lives in (as it's different from what we all know).

Best of luck to you in the kombat!

I like this, but I thought you should start off with your second paragraph. I think it makes for a stronger opening (it's only my opinion, though)

Blake crept strode carefully across the creaking floorboards. His mother would have hated to see what her house had become after being abandoned ALL THIS TIME (SINCE YOU USE 'TWO YEARS' IN THE NEXT PARA.) these two years. Good.

After the sudden disappearance of his parents two years ago, there wasn’t much Blake knew, save one thing: After more attempts than he could count, he was going to get in this last act of defiance. He was going to make it through the doors into their quarters—a space that had always been forbidden. Sure, there were probably no answers lurking in there that the police hadn’t found, but this was more symbolic anyway. One last jab after all of their neglect. (THE THING I'M WONDERING ABOUT IS IF THE POLICE HAD ALREADY BEEN THROUGH THE ROOM, WOULDN'T BLAKE HAVE ALSO? ESPECIALLY AFTER TWO YEARS HAVE PASSED?

Blake hated that he still felt the leaded knot of anxiety at breaking the rules. It had stopped him so many times before. As he drew closer, the air felt charged with electricity, and thick with a humidity he hadn’t noticed earlier COMMA. He felt like a little kid again COMMA getting caught for playing tricks on the maid.

Anxiety be damned, HE Blake (SOUNDS CLOSER THIRD PERSON, I THINK, THAN USING HIS NAME)was going to walk through those doors. Holding his breath, he reached out to touch the doorknob, jerking his hand back as static shock jolted up his hand. INTERESTING! “What the f--,” he started COMMA before biting his lips together and running his fingers through his hair in irritation. No, he was too close to give up again.

Blake reached out with both hands, holding the two knobs, glad not to be shocked this time. He could do this. Three…two...one—

“Why am I always catchin’ you in places you shouldn’t be?” GREAT SUSPENSE!