Post by madsbertasio on May 15, 2017 13:35:46 GMT -5
“Aww, Charlie,” Blake hummed with a cheeky smile. “You know how much I love our little walks.”
The officer raised an eyebrow at Blake, hiding his amusement behind a carefully stern look. “I’d like these walks a lot more if they weren’t always because you were somewhere you weren’t supposed to be,” he replied, fixing his hat a little.
“But that would take all the fun out of it,” Blake grinned, turning so he was walking backwards confidently, knowing Charlie couldn’t be mad at him forever.
Charlie had infinite patience--Blake would give him that. Through all of his jokes and taunts, Charlie’s reprimands were never more than idle threats and slaps on the wrist. Even when he was trying to sound stern there was that quiet resignation that, even if he wanted to, he didn’t have the heart to turn Blake over.
Maybe it was a pity thing--Poor orphaned Blake keeps finding his way to his old home. Isn’t that sad?--but he didn’t care. So long as he never got in any real trouble, let them pity him. The worst he would get was a lecture from his foster father, and he could handle that.
“One of these days you’re going to get caught, and it won’t be by me. Then you’ll be in a right bit of trouble,” Charlie scolded lightly.
“Me? I always find my way out of troub--,” Blake started before his heel caught on an uneven cobblestone, making him stumble and trip, sending him flat on his back.
//Thanks so much to any and all who review this for me! Please know I will be going through and paying it forward as much as I can in the very near future!
“Aww, Charlie,” Blake hummed (Careful with dialogue tags like this. Technically, you can't talk while you're humming. with a cheeky smile. “You know how much I love our little walks.”
The officer raised an eyebrow at Blake, hiding his amusement behind a carefully stern look. “I’d like these walks a lot more if they weren’t always because you were somewhere you weren’t supposed to be (Reword for clarity. I'm not sure what this means. You may be acting vague intentionally, but it's only going to cause confusion this early into the story.),” he replied, fixing his hat a little. (You don't need a dialogue tag here. It's already clear the officer is talking.)
“But that would take all the fun out of it,” Blake grinned, turning so he was walking backwards confidently, knowing Charlie couldn’t be mad at him forever. Where are they? Add a sentence or two here painting their surroundings.
Charlie had infinite patience (I think you should rework the above dialogue to make it clearer what they're talking about. I get the impression you're trying to tease the reader with vague information, but keep in mind that the reader has had no time to invest into your story yet. If they open to the first page and can't glean a clear sense of purpose and setting, then they're not going to care enough to continue.)--Blake would give him that. Through all of his jokes and taunts, Charlie’s reprimands were never more than idle threats and slaps on the wrist. Even when he was trying to sound stern there was that quiet resignation that, even if he wanted to, he didn’t have the heart to turn Blake over. (This is telling instead of showing. Allow your characters to exhibit certain behaviors and leave the reader to figure out why they act the way they do. Think of it in terms of a movie: Characters almost never explain their emotions. They just act a certain way and the audience is left to try understanding them. Characters in books should be the same way. It's what makes them interesting, and the story engaging as well.)
Maybe it was a pity thing--Poor orphaned Blake keeps finding his way to his old home. Isn’t that sad? (What point of view is this story told in? The question I highlighted implies second-person, since it's a question the character is asking the reader. This is a POV violation, since in every other sentence in the paragraph, this is told in third-person omniscient. The other problem is that this is a rhetorical question, and you shouldn't be asking rhetorical questions in your story. Characters can ask themselves questions, but the question isn't phrased this way.) --but he didn’t care. So long as he never got in any real trouble, let them pity him. The worst he would get was a lecture from his foster father, and he could handle that.
“One of these days you’re going to get caught, and it won’t be by me. Then you’ll be in a right bit of trouble,” Charlie scolded lightly.
“Me? I always find my way out of troub--,” Blake started before his heel caught on an uneven cobblestone, making him stumble and trip, sending him flat on his back.
You say it's a sci-fi story, but this first page reads like contemporary. True, it's only the first page, but the thing about genre fiction is that it needs to have a distinct setting and atmosphere. Even if the sci-fi elements haven't had a chance to affect the story yet, you should infuse the environment around them with sci-fi details, even if they're small.
Also, there's not really any tension in this first page. You're expecting the characters themselves to capture the reader by being interesting, but the characters aren't doing anything interesting either. You need to throw the characters into a scenario where there is conflict happening, or you need to make them so interesting and engaging, that the reader will immediately fall in love with them and want to follow them further into your story. Obviously, that is very, very difficult to accomplish on the first page. So, I would suggest starting with conflict instead.
“Aww, Charlie,” Blake hummed (Careful with dialogue tags like this. Technically, you can't talk while you're humming. with a cheeky smile. “You know how much I love our little walks.”
The officer raised an eyebrow at Blake, hiding his amusement behind a carefully stern look. “I’d like these walks a lot more if they weren’t always because you were somewhere you weren’t supposed to be (Reword for clarity. I'm not sure what this means. You may be acting vague intentionally, but it's only going to cause confusion this early into the story.),” he replied, fixing his hat a little. (You don't need a dialogue tag here. It's already clear the officer is talking.)
“But that would take all the fun out of it,” Blake grinned, turning so he was walking backwards confidently, knowing Charlie couldn’t be mad at him forever. Where are they? Add a sentence or two here painting their surroundings.
Charlie had infinite patience (I think you should rework the above dialogue to make it clearer what they're talking about. I get the impression you're trying to tease the reader with vague information, but keep in mind that the reader has had no time to invest into your story yet. If they open to the first page and can't glean a clear sense of purpose and setting, then they're not going to care enough to continue.)--Blake would give him that. Through all of his jokes and taunts, Charlie’s reprimands were never more than idle threats and slaps on the wrist. Even when he was trying to sound stern there was that quiet resignation that, even if he wanted to, he didn’t have the heart to turn Blake over. (This is telling instead of showing. Allow your characters to exhibit certain behaviors and leave the reader to figure out why they act the way they do. Think of it in terms of a movie: Characters almost never explain their emotions. They just act a certain way and the audience is left to try understanding them. Characters in books should be the same way. It's what makes them interesting, and the story engaging as well.)
Maybe it was a pity thing--Poor orphaned Blake keeps finding his way to his old home. Isn’t that sad? (What point of view is this story told in? The question I highlighted implies second-person, since it's a question the character is asking the reader. This is a POV violation, since in every other sentence in the paragraph, this is told in third-person omniscient. The other problem is that this is a rhetorical question, and you shouldn't be asking rhetorical questions in your story. Characters can ask themselves questions, but the question isn't phrased this way.) --but he didn’t care. So long as he never got in any real trouble, let them pity him. The worst he would get was a lecture from his foster father, and he could handle that.
“One of these days you’re going to get caught, and it won’t be by me. Then you’ll be in a right bit of trouble,” Charlie scolded lightly.
“Me? I always find my way out of troub--,” Blake started before his heel caught on an uneven cobblestone, making him stumble and trip, sending him flat on his back.
You say it's a sci-fi story, but this first page reads like contemporary. True, it's only the first page, but the thing about genre fiction is that it needs to have a distinct setting and atmosphere. Even if the sci-fi elements haven't had a chance to affect the story yet, you should infuse the environment around them with sci-fi details, even if they're small.
Also, there's not really any tension in this first page. You're expecting the characters themselves to capture the reader by being interesting, but the characters aren't doing anything interesting either. You need to throw the characters into a scenario where there is conflict happening, or you need to make them so interesting and engaging, that the reader will immediately fall in love with them and want to follow them further into your story. Obviously, that is very, very difficult to accomplish on the first page. So, I would suggest starting with conflict instead.
I'm going to be reworking the first page. I'm going to post it in a new thread in an hour or two--thanks for the feedback.