Fifteen-year-old Cole fears this summer’s visit to Milwaukee will turn into a death watch as his beloved grandma declines from cancer. But now he’s confronted by a bizarre series of incidents—a soldier endangered by a car bomb, a rock-and-roll guitarist in need of employment, and Cole's own dog that was hit by a car — each made “all right” after an old shopkeeper named Lew utters those two words.
When Sara, Cole’s lifelong friend and newfound crush, claims Lew healed her sprained ankle, her faith has her convinced the man is a miracle worker, but Cole chalks it all up to coincidence. Despite his skepticism, hope begins to rise in Cole’s heart. He’d love to see Lew perform one more “coincidence.” Anything to keep his grandma from succumbing to her illness. But hope frightens him. Hope means trust. Hope means vulnerability. And hope can sometimes be cruel.
When Cole finally works up the courage to make his request, he hears Lew’s magic response, “all right,” and Grandma rises from her bed. But when she dies hours later, Cole has nowhere to direct his grief and fury, so he unleashes it on Sara and her “faith,” resulting in a fiery confrontation that leaves their friendship in shambles. Cole has not only lost his grandmother but the only girl he’s ever loved. To be set free from his bitterness and reclaim her friendship, he’ll need a different kind of miracle—one the prickly and reclusive old shopkeeper can’t provide.
ITS OWN KIND OF MIRACLE is YA Contemporary fiction, complete at 80,000 words.
Last Edit: May 17, 2017 14:44:38 GMT -5 by kdw: Thank you for the feedback!
The first two sentences almost make it sound like he doesn't care about his grandmother and that the dog's life is more important. I'm not sure this is what you meant to convey. I've never seen anyone put dialogue in a query before and I don't think it works here. I'm not sure what Cole is about and what's in his way of his goals. Maybe his beliefs? I don't know. The stakes aren't clear to me either. What happens if he doesn't get the girl? I also think you need to pick a genre. Is it more romance? Mystery? Or Supernatural. Maybe just say YA Contemporary Romance, let the manuscript speak the rest.
Peruse the forum to see how others are writing their queries. And of course, a lot of writer's stalk Query Shark. LoL Hope this helps!
Last Edit: May 16, 2017 15:18:25 GMT -5 by pdpabst
It’s bad enough that fifteen-year-old Cole has to spend his summer at his grandmother’s watching her die of cancer. But hearing that his dog Jasper was hit by a car back home is too much to bear. That’s why, when an old shopkeeper asks him if he wants Jasper to get better, Cole feels like breaking the guy’s jaw. Instead, Cole says “yeah,” the man says “all right,” and Jasper recovers. Coincidence? It has to be, no matter what Cole’s lifelong friend and newfound crush Sara claims.
Except the coincidences surrounding the old man keep piling up—a soldier endangered by a car bomb, a rock-and-roll guitarist in need of employment, Sara’s sprained ankle—each one made “all right” after the man says those two words. Sara’s faith has her convinced he’s a miracle worker, but Cole, not so much. Yet despite his skepticism, he’d love to see one more coincidence. Anything to keep his grandma from succumbing to her illness.
When Cole finally works up the courage to make his request, he hears the reclusive man’s magic response, “all right,” and Grandma rises from her bed. But when she dies hours later, Cole’s is furious at the girl he’s fallen for and her “faith,” resulting in a fiery confrontation that leaves their friendship in shambles. Cole has not only lost his grandmother, he’s lost the only girl he’s ever loved. To be set free from his bitterness and reclaim her friendship, he’ll need a different kind of miracle, but it’s one the prickly and elusive old shopkeeper can’t provide.
ITS OWN KIND OF MIRACLE, complete at 80,000 words, is YA Contemporary Fiction that combines supernatural mystery with a dash of romance, opening a dialogue on faith and doubt without proselytizing.
I agree with pdpabst, Cole needs to have more empathy for his grandmother(Cancer is a hard thing to deal with). I can totally understand why Jasper being hit by a car had sent him to his breaking point (I've dealt with both things at the same time), besides animals are part of the family too right? As for the dialogue once again I agree with pdpabst, it wasn't until I was done reading the query that I understand why you did it, but I would make that small change to avoid doing it. I've sat here for a few minutes on how it could easily be changed but I don't want to tell how to rewrite ( I am in no position to do so either, as I am super new to query letters haha). My little hopeless romantic heart loves the ending when you state that he needs reclaim his friendship, but its a miracle that shopkeeping can't provide.
Fifteen-year-old Cole fears this summer’s visit to Milwaukee will turn into a death watch as his beloved grandma declines from cancer. But now he’s confronted by a bizarre series of incidents—a soldier endangered by a car bomb, a rock-and-roll guitarist in need of employment, and Cole's own dog that was hit by a car — each made “all right” after an old shopkeeper named Lew utters those two words.
When Sara, Cole’s lifelong friend and newfound crush, claims Lew healed her sprained ankle, her faith has her convinced the man is a miracle worker, but Cole chalks it all up to coincidence. Despite his skepticism, hope begins to rise in Cole’s heart. He’d love to see Lew perform one more “coincidence.” Anything to keep his grandma from succumbing to her illness. But hope frightens him. Hope means trust. Hope means vulnerability. And hope can sometimes be cruel.
When Cole finally works up the courage to make his request, he hears Lew’s magic response, “all right,” and Grandma rises from her bed. But when she dies hours later, Cole has nowhere to direct his grief and fury, so he unleashes it on Sara and her “faith,” resulting in a fiery confrontation that leaves their friendship in shambles. Cole has not only lost his grandmother but the only girl he’s ever loved. To be set free from his bitterness and reclaim her friendship, he’ll need a different kind of miracle—one the prickly and reclusive old shopkeeper can’t provide.
ITS OWN KIND OF MIRACLE is YA Contemporary fiction, complete at 80,000 words.
Post by megaertner on May 23, 2017 16:59:03 GMT -5
Looking at your second version here, I like the changes you made from the first. I wanted a better sense of Cole's initial state of being. You say "hope frightens him. Hope means trust. Hope means vulnerability. And hope can sometimes be cruel"--what does that look like for Cole? What has his life been like that has made him so skeptical and so scared of hoping? Also, wouldn't he also direct his anger and grief toward Lew as well?
Otherwise, I love the premise. Do you have any comp titles you can add?
Fifteen-year-old Cole fears this summer’s visit to Milwaukee will turn into a death watch as his beloved grandma declines from cancer. (Can you use a stronger word other than 'decline'? With a stronger word, it will show more emotional impact.) But now he’s confronted by a bizarre series of incidents—a soldier endangered by a car bomb, a rock-and-roll guitarist in need of employment, and Cole's own dog that was hit by a car — each made “all right” after an old shopkeeper named Lew utters those two words. (em dashes don't have spaces between them so change that up.)
When Sara, Cole’s lifelong friend and newfound crush, claims Lew healed her sprained ankle, her faith (could you perhaps add another detail on that? just a few simple words? maybe 'christian faith'?) has her convinced the man is a miracle worker, but Cole chalks it all up to coincidence. Despite his skepticism, hope begins to rise in Cole’s heart. He’d love to see Lew perform one more “coincidence.” Anything to keep his grandma from succumbing to her illness. But hope frightens him. Hope means trust. Hope means vulnerability. And hope can sometimes be cruel. (these last three lines come off almost vague. Try showing this by relating it back to his grandmother. If he has hope, and then it ends in failure, tell us the reaction he think he's going to have.)
When Cole finally works up the courage to make his request, he hears Lew’s magic response, “all right,” and Grandma rises from her bed. But when she dies hours later, Cole has nowhere to direct his grief and fury, so he unleashes it on Sara and her “faith,” resulting in a fiery confrontation that leaves their friendship in shambles. Cole has not only lost his grandmother but the only girl he’s ever loved. To be set free from his bitterness and reclaim her friendship, he’ll need a different kind of miracle—one the prickly and reclusive old shopkeeper can’t provide. (Love this whole paragraph! It's pretty solid!)
Overall, your query is really amazing! I wish you the best! (And do add comp titles if you can because agents really love those!)