Post by westeditor on May 14, 2017 10:13:57 GMT -5
“Don’t do it Tommy,” Detective Carol McClure said as she sat against the wall, weapon at the ready; shoulder bleeding heavily from her partner’s shot. “Don’t do it!”
Detective Tommy Sloan struggled to lift his gun from where he lay after McClure’s return fire hit him. She could hear the sucking of a punctured lung as he tried to breath. They both watched the gun rising.
He turned the gun toward her.
She pulled her trigger.
McClure jerked her shoulder as the EMT prodded her wound. “Dammit, Hands!” she said. “That hurts.”
“Stop getting shot,” Hands chided as she probed the wound. “You got lucky on this one.”
They lifted their heads at the voice of McClure’s captain.
“Where is that Irish B!!”
McClure narrowed her eyes. I’m Scottish.
Captain Ken Smith came around the corner, ducking under the tape. He looked hard at McClure and shook his head, continuing into the building.
“Hands? Give me a couple of those long Q-Tips. Betadine through the hole, okay?”
“You want a lot or a little?”
“Maximum effect,” McClure said, adjusting the drape covering her chest.
A few minutes later, Smith came out and walked over. His bulging cheek told McClure he was working a large wad of gum.
“Hey, Chief,” McClure said. “What brings you out?”
He glared at her, shoving another stick into his mouth. He looked like an angry red-headed chipmunk.
“Goddammit, McClure! Another partner? How about killing bad guys?”
Last Edit: May 14, 2017 19:23:06 GMT -5 by westeditor
Overall, this is pretty good, but I'm not sure this story is starting in the right place. I know that the MC has been wounded, but is that the inciting incident? If so, why don't we see it? And if not, why are you starting here.
Also, the line where she calls "Nikkki" an idiot comes across as a bit too judgmental. Even though she immediately corrects herself, I'd cut it to get to the action sooner. And it took me a minute to get that she was looking at someone's tag, so maybe clarify.
Oh, and you don't need the filtering language. "He looked like an angry red-headed chipmunk" is stronger than "McClure thought...."
I liked your second scene better than the first. In both though, I would be careful about your POV. Would McClure really notice that Tommy is watching the gun rise? In that instant, probably not. Same for the next scene where they 'lifted their heads.' Typically POV characters shouldn't focus on the minor things they, or other characters, do unless those things play a role in the story.
I'm a little unsure of the tone here. You start with a tense scene that apparently ends with the protagonist fatally shooting someone, but then the next scene feels much lighter, almost like a buddy cop comedy. I also thought the "Irish B" line was a bit off-putting: I'm pretty sure a police captain would call her a B**** and not censor himself at a crime scene.
I'm interested in reading more and I think you give us a pretty good sense of who the protagonist is. Good luck!
Thanks for sharing your story and this is just "first reaction", so feel free to ignore any and all of the below
I was immediately drawn in with the first lines but like the other readers found the transition to be abrupt. I would probably open with the second part, and perhaps flesh that out with more action. I think the premise that she keeps shooting her partners to be interesting and intriguing However, I would not treat it in the casual, funny way it seems to be here (she gets mad about being called Irish, we discuss someone's gum use). If you as a cop murder your partner (for whatever reason), I can't imagine it's anything other than devastating, shocking and very traumatic. I'd personally probably need lots of tranquilizers, PTSD meds and many months of therapy to deal with it. Especially since it is not the first time? I'm not sure of the tone and where this is going as a result. You may go in that direction later so apologies if I missed it but I would introduce it earlier.