Lord of Thundertown-- New Adult contemporary fantasy

I once heard an agent say to try and avoid starting a query with what the main character does not have or isn't. But you're first line is my favorite in the query. Then you break into a lot of explaining and we lose the action. Finally, clear stakes are missing for me (stakes can be really hard to identify sometimes, so don't give up)
Good Luck!

Alex has no experience, no connections, no savings... Okay. Sounds like a lot of us at that age. You've told us what he doesn't have. What is he doing? Is he living homeless on the streets? Is he couch-surfing while hoping his band get their Big Break? Does he struggle at his McJob? We need context. Is it vital to the entire plot that Alex is inexperiencd, unconnected and poor? Or is that just setting?

You spend too much time describing what the Folk are. We don't need this. We're familiar with the supertext of the Fair Folk. Worldbuilding does not belong in your query.

Alex's biggest issue is that his best friend disappears. Does Alex know about the Folk? Or is this all new to him?

When you mention his best friend, you really need to name her in the first paragraph. When I came across the name "Samantha" later, I had no idea what you were talking about.

You sound like you're trying to summarise the timeline of the novel. That's not what you do in a query.


Perhaps consider starting like this:

"Eighteen year old Alex barely survives on minimum wage in New York. The only bright point in his life is his best friend Samantha... until she disappears. Alex suspects the Folk.

"Having no experience, no connections and no savings, the only person he can turn to is Senator Loisaida of the Folk Court--she works pro bono..."

What is the main plot of the story? Is it Samantha disappears, or is it Samantha returns, with a desire to know more about the Fair Folk. Your query starts off that Samantha's disappearance is the big mystery, but when she comes back, that takes all the wind out of your story. Whatever Sam's found sounds more intriguing than her disappearance.

If this is the case, perhaps your query should start, "When Alex's best friend Samantha disappears, he knows the Folk are behind it. But when she returns, she tells him of a world parallel to New York, and an impending war..." or something like that. Is the story all about Sam disappearing, or is it all about a new Folk Lord who may wreck havoc on New York? Figure out what's the most important plot point of your novel, and craft your query around that.

A query is not simply a listing of events (as this one appears to be), but telling us what the main characters want the most, and what's preventing them from succeeding.