Eighteen year old Alex Delatorre has no experience, no connections, and no savings. He’s surviving on luck alone-- then his best friend disappears.
That can happen in New York, but disappearances are more complicated in a world shared by the Folk. They are Humanity’s equal in intelligence, but surpass them in longevity and ability. Some have nothing in common with Humanity besides intelligence, and the difference between create conflict. To bridge the gap between the two populations, the Folk Courts empower Lords to act as enforcers and judges, but as a remnant of the Medieval Age, the Lords are beholden to no one, and few consider their serfs’ feelings. There is one democratically elected Lord on the East Coast-- Senator Loisaida, of the Lower East side-- and she works pro-bono. With her help, Alex find his friend Samantha, but Samantha comes back with strange tales of half-seen markets built into abandoned city infrastructure, where settlements have sprung up to help the Folk build homes that suit their needs. Alex wants to leave it alone, but Sam wants to learn more, and they quickly catch the attention of an entity that claims to enforce the law and protect their citizens-- a Lord no one has heard of or seen, who doesn’t seem to care about any of the rules.
RR thanks everyone!
Last Edit: May 14, 2017 8:45:44 GMT -5 by 0bfvscate
"That can happen in New York, but disappearances are more complicated in a world shared by the Folk." --> This sentence lost me. I think it's because I wasn't sure why New York mattered or how you jumped from saying disappearances happen to this one being supernnatural. I think "That can happen in a world shared by the Folk." would actually be punchier.
"They are Humanity’s equal in intelligence" --> Not sure you need this; Fae are intelligent in most stories.
The next too paragraphs seem to have nothing to do with the disappearance. I think you need to come back to that sooner. A lot of the background might not be necessary.
Just a suggestion, but I think you might want to end the query before Samantha is found. That was a good hook, but you solved the problem in your query.
This sounds like an interesting story--I like the set-up of Fae and humans and normal people caught between. Good luck!
I once heard an agent say to try and avoid starting a query with what the main character does not have or isn't. But you're first line is my favorite in the query. Then you break into a lot of explaining and we lose the action. Finally, clear stakes are missing for me (stakes can be really hard to identify sometimes, so don't give up) Good Luck!
Sounds like a really interesting story. I have to agree with the others - too much telling, and too many details you don't need. But more importantly, I don't really understand the stakes here. Is the story about Samantha's disappearance, or what happens after she comes back?
Try deleting the first 3 paragraphs entirely, then add in just a few details to the remaining ones, with what is at stake. Is this a battle between factions in the Folk? Why does Sam want to know more? She was taken, you'd think that would be a bad experience...
Post by Heidi Kneale (Her Grace) on May 15, 2017 21:26:29 GMT -5
Alex has no experience, no connections, no savings... Okay. Sounds like a lot of us at that age. You've told us what he doesn't have. What is he doing? Is he living homeless on the streets? Is he couch-surfing while hoping his band get their Big Break? Does he struggle at his McJob? We need context. Is it vital to the entire plot that Alex is inexperiencd, unconnected and poor? Or is that just setting?
You spend too much time describing what the Folk are. We don't need this. We're familiar with the supertext of the Fair Folk. Worldbuilding does not belong in your query.
Alex's biggest issue is that his best friend disappears. Does Alex know about the Folk? Or is this all new to him?
When you mention his best friend, you really need to name her in the first paragraph. When I came across the name "Samantha" later, I had no idea what you were talking about.
You sound like you're trying to summarise the timeline of the novel. That's not what you do in a query.
Perhaps consider starting like this:
"Eighteen year old Alex barely survives on minimum wage in New York. The only bright point in his life is his best friend Samantha... until she disappears. Alex suspects the Folk.
"Having no experience, no connections and no savings, the only person he can turn to is Senator Loisaida of the Folk Court--she works pro bono..."
What is the main plot of the story? Is it Samantha disappears, or is it Samantha returns, with a desire to know more about the Fair Folk. Your query starts off that Samantha's disappearance is the big mystery, but when she comes back, that takes all the wind out of your story. Whatever Sam's found sounds more intriguing than her disappearance.
If this is the case, perhaps your query should start, "When Alex's best friend Samantha disappears, he knows the Folk are behind it. But when she returns, she tells him of a world parallel to New York, and an impending war..." or something like that. Is the story all about Sam disappearing, or is it all about a new Folk Lord who may wreck havoc on New York? Figure out what's the most important plot point of your novel, and craft your query around that.
A query is not simply a listing of events (as this one appears to be), but telling us what the main characters want the most, and what's preventing them from succeeding.
Thanks guys! Obviously trying to figure out what's important and what isn't is tricky, but I really appreciate the extra pairs of eyes. I'll try to follow your advice!