“Stay here,” ordered Uncle Harrison to Tommy and Gina.
He was a tall man, rail thin and foul tempered. Beside him Aunt Beatrice stalked, her arms crossed over her chest.
“This is a working farm,” she added. “Don’t go into the fields or the barns.”
Tommy and Gina had heard this speeh many times over the last few months. They sat sulking on the front steps of the two storey house, Tommy on the upper step, Gina on the lowest.
“Don’t go near the dugout.”
“Or the combines.”
“Or the tool shop.”
“And don’t even look at the storage bins,” the two adults said together.
“Understand?” demanded the man, scowling.
“Yes, Uncle Harrison,” chimed the two children.
“Just stay out of our way,” finished Aunt Beatrice.
She glared at the two children then looked over to her husband and nodded. The adults turned around and walked off to start their work, leaving Tommy and Gina to their misery.
The siblings weren't allowed to do anything. They weren’t allowed to touch this or look at that. They weren’t allowed to play here or play there. There was nothing for them to do on the boiling summer days except sit on the house step and be bored.
You've succeeded in making me want to know WHY the twins are forbidden from everything on the farm. In my first read through, I wondered about what the Aunt and Uncle were hiding on this farm. I read your query second and now I'm wondering if cutting out some of the warnings about the farm could give you more room to showcase the twins personality or hint at the fantastic adventure they're going to have. You're query has me super excited to get to know the twins the world they're going to find.
“Stay here,” ordered Uncle Harrison to ordered Tommy and Gina.
He was a tall man, rail thin and foul tempered. Beside him Aunt Beatrice stalked, her arms crossed over her chest. (hard to stalk with arms folded across chest)
“This is a working farm,” she added. “Don’t go into the fields or the barns.”
Tommy and Gina had heard this speeh (?) many times over the last few months. They sat sulking on the front steps of the two storey (I think US spelling is story) house, Tommy on the upper step, Gina on the lowest.
“Don’t go near the dugout.”
“Or the combines.”
“Or the tool shop.”
“And don’t even look at the storage bins,” the two adults said together.
“Understand?” demanded the man, scowling.
“Yes, Uncle Harrison,” chimed the two children.
“Just stay out of our way,” finished Aunt Beatrice.
She glared at the two children kids, then looked over to at her husband and nodded. The adults turned around and walked off to start their work, leaving Tommy and Gina to their misery.
The siblings weren't allowed to do anything. They weren’t allowed to touch this or look at that. They weren’t allowed to play here or play there. There was nothing for them to do on the boiling summer days except sit on the house step and be bored. __________________________
While it's competently written, I'd like some hint of the action to come. Say, Gina can think. But it didn't matter, they had their own plans. Or whatever gets you to the plot.
Post by Altered Carbon on May 13, 2017 19:05:00 GMT -5
Hello again!
The narrative feels far away. I don't quite feel like you've started in the write spot and I feel like it's a bit stiff. The voice from your query is missing in this beginning, and at the same point, I almost feel like this is almost too simplistic for MG. I almost feel like it should be more of a chapter book.
Whose POV is the story supposed to be from? Even if it's meant to be omniscient you can bring it in closer. Instead of starting with dialogue and what they aren't allowed to do, maybe start with what they are doing? Give us action instead of just telling--and this first page is all telling. Show me what's going on. Start where the story starts, not where the backstory brings them.
I also couldn't figure out who your MC was. I felt the dialogue took up too much of space where you could highlight more about your MC. In your query, you mention them getting chased into the woods by a dog. Is this because they were poking around where they shouldn't have been? If so, perhaps you could give some insight in the first page pf them wanting to adventure, lurk about the property because kids just are restless, yunno. Give a hint that they might get into mischief or find an adventure because they have no intention on listening to the adults. If I hadn't read your query, I wouldn't know that there are some great fantasy elements to this story, like I LOVE the idea of the living ship.
I hope this helps!
Last Edit: May 16, 2017 13:24:20 GMT -5 by pdpabst