This query has landed a couple partial requests but nothing substantial yet! Thanks for any feedback!
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Dear [Agent],
While living at their aunt and uncle’s mind-numbingly boring farm, orphans Tommy and Gina are terrorized by a neighbour’s vicious dog. Chased through the woods, they slip through a Rift and find themselves in a strange, new land.
Aetheria is a wondrous place of flying sail ships, terrifying ash monsters, and amazing creatures (squid-folk, giant snakes, gnomes!). After joining the crew of the world’s only living ship – the magnificent Veda Zhi – the children and their new friends are chased by the villainous wolf-man Lord Malloc who wants the ship for his own.
Together, Tommy, Gina, Veda Zhi and the crew will race to save a family of mind readers before they are all enslaved by Lord Malloc – and get Tommy and Gina home before their one chance to return to their world is lost.
VEDA ZHI CHRONICLES: THE CRIMSON HAND is a middle-grade adventure story complete at 30,000 words. Fans of series like The Edge Chronicles are sure to enjoy this thrilling tale filled with action, humour, and genuine heart. While this story stands alone it does have the potential to grow into a series.
I have previous graphic novel and comic book work published by Ronin Studios, am currently the Vice President for the Writers’ Guild of Alberta, and recently won third place in the Collins Writing Contest (Short Story).
I have included the first 10 pages of the book as per your submission guidelines.
I can see why you've had partial requests! I'd love to visit Aetheria and read about the creatures and living ship! Perhaps you're query needs a bit more? Like, why exactly does Lord Malloc want the living ship? Is there a unique detail you could infuse into the query? Are the mind readers important to the main stakes in the adventure?
Great job! I think this sounds really cool. I'm a huge fan of Scott Westerfeld's LEVIATHAN and I'd love to read another story about a living ship.
The only thing that tripped me up was this: "Together, Tommy, Gina, Veda Zhi and the crew". I had to go back and make sure Veda Zhi wasn't a person. I would suggest changing it to 'the crew of the Veda Zhi'. But otherwise, great job. Sounds like a very imaginative story! Good luck to you!
Is it important to know a dog chased them into the woods? If not, I'd lose that part to tighten the beginning paragraph. It's not clear to me why the Mind Readers need saved...I mean, what purpose does Lord Malloc want to enslave them? Does he have a specific goal? Someone's mind in particular he wants read? Is this his way of controlling something besides the family? Also, what do you mean by "living ship"? Is it actually alive? Or is it full of technology that makes it appear to be living?
This story sound awesome. Good luck with your query!
Thanks for all the great suggestions. Queries are always a trial for me.
Veda Zhi, the ship, is a character in the story. She is alive.
Lord Malloc wants Veda Zhi because she is the only living ship in the world and that makes her valuable. He also has mine that he needs slaves to work in. So he abducts timid, mind readers and enslaves them.
Post by stuntshark on Jul 12, 2017 13:27:48 GMT -5
Dear [Agent],
While living at their aunt and uncle’s mind-numbingly boring farm, orphans Tommy and Gina are terrorized by a neighbour’s vicious dog. Chased through the woods, they slip through a Rift and find themselves in a strange new land.
Aetheria is a wondrous place of flying sail ships, terrifying ash monsters, and amazing creatures—squid-folk, giant snakes, gnomes! After joining the crew of the world’s only living ship—the magnificent Veda Zhi—the children and their new friends are chased by the villainous wolf-man, Lord Malloc who wants the ship for his own.
Together, Tommy, Gina, Veda Zhi, and the crew race to save a family of mind-readers before they are all enslaved by Lord Malloc, and then get Tommy and Gina home before their one chance to return to their world is lost.
VEDA ZHI CHRONICLES: THE CRIMSON HAND is a middle-grade adventure story complete at 30,000 words. Fans of series like The Edge Chronicles are sure to enjoy this thrilling tale filled with action, humour, and genuine heart. While this story stands alone it does have the potential to grow into a series.
I have previous graphic novel and comic book work published by Ronin Studios, am currently the Vice President for the Writers’ Guild of Alberta, and recently won third place in the Collins Writing Contest (Short Story).
I have included the first 10 pages of the book as per your submission guidelines.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
This sounds like a fun story. I tinkered with it a bit, but here are my questions. Someone in the new land must help the kids when they arrive - is it the living ship or some other character. I suggest clarifying this point because there's a gap between running into the woods and fighting Lord Malloc. It doesn't need a lot, but the first character they meet up with is probably important and should be named.I'm also confused by the turn of the plot. It sounds like the stakes are keeping the ship from falling into the hands of Malloc, but then the mind-readers enter the picture and that seems to be the goal. And then you add in a time constraint for the kids to return home. I'd suggest streamlining this so the ultimate stakes are made clear and the only way the reader can find out what happens is by reading the manuscript. Also, you mention lots of other creatures - do they factor into the plot in any significant way? If so, a line or two including them in your plot summation would help clarify their presence in the query. I wish you all the best success with this book (maybe it's already been picked up since your last input here was May 14th.)