When 12 year old Felicia is given a valuable antique doll, she can’t believe that her late grandmother found it hidden in an estate sale desk and kept the doll’s origin a closely guarded secret. And if that’s not enough to write home about, it’s haunted by a very cranky ghost who claims the doll belongs to her little sister, Lottie, who she last saw on the deck of Titanic as it sank into the icy sea.
Being an only child whose divorced parents barely speak, Felicia is familiar with loss and loneliness. So when the ghost reveals that she doesn't know what happened to her little sister, Felicia is compelled to help. But all she has to go on is the receipt from a desk sold more than a decade ago. Can she find Lottie with just this one clue? Or will the ruthless antique dealer who handled the sale force her to give back the precious doll before she can discover Lottie's fate?
Felicia Darby and the Doll in the Ice Green Dress is GHOST WHISPERER meets UNDER THE EGG. This middle grade mystery, set in the 1970s, is complete at 43,000 words.
I have a bachelor’s degree in Journalism and worked for 20 years in advertising and marketing. I’ve spent the past thirteen years as a stay at home mom and, since my son has grown too independent to need me (except when he’s hungry), I'm pursuing my dream of writing something other than marketing brochures and facebook posts. I appreciate your time and hope you will find a compelling story and a solid voice in the enclosed pages.
I love your premise, both because I'm a sucker for stories about ghosts, secret antiques tied to a mysterious past, and I'm terrified of dolls that come to life. One of my first favorite books as a child was The Dollhouse Murders by Betty Ren Wright. My main critique about your query is that I'm not sure what the tone of the actual book is. Your query has humor (cranky ghost), sadness (divorced parents who rarely speak), but besides from the mention of the ghost, I don't get a sense of spookiness. If the ghost story has scary elements, I'd recommend infusing that into the query. It could help create more mysterious vibe.
I'd definitely read further based on the premise alone.
Post by Altered Carbon on May 13, 2017 18:53:07 GMT -5
Hey there Hpoe!
I love a good ghost story! The premise sounds great.
A few tips to start, you don't want questions in your query. Tell me what's going on. Don't ask me. Agents have stated repeatedly that they do not like rhetorical questions in queries, so if you can find a way to make those statements that would be a fantastic start.
The last sentence in your first paragraph needs some work. I'm not sure that we need to know Lottie's sister disappeared in the Titanic at the moment. It almost changes the POV.
The stakes are also missing, which is part of why questions don't really work in a query. What does Felicia need to do? What happens if she doesn't? What's the consequence? Is it connected to her homelife? Be more specific. Agents need to know what makes your story unique.
The first sentence seems a bit long to me. And if the doll belongs to the ghost's sister, how did she become attached to the doll? I don't think it's important to mention Lottie's name, since the story seems to be about her older sister finding her. Or, did you mean to say the ghost is Lottie? And I agree with Outsider...what are the stakes? What happens if the antique dealer takes the doll back, besides not finding Lottie? For me, I'd need higher stakes to intrigue me.
For the record, I love that the disappearance of the young girl occurred on the deck of the Titanic. This peaked my interest. But, if things don't tie back to it and it's not relevant to finding her, then I'd leave it out.
Ghost stories are a favorite of mine! Not to mention the Titanic is intriguing! Awesome mix!
Thank you for all the feedback. Is this better? I really appreciate the comments.
When 12 year old Felicia is given a valuable antique doll, she can’t believe that her late grandmother not only found it hidden in an estate sale desk but kept the doll’s origin a closely guarded secret. And if that’s not enough to write home about, it’s haunted by a very cranky ghost who claims to have given the doll to her little sister on the deck of Titanic as it sank into the icy sea.
Being an only child whose divorced parents barely speak, Felicia is familiar with loss and loneliness. So when the ghost reveals that she doesn’t know if her little sister survived, Felicia is compelled to help find her. But the only clue is a receipt from the desk sold more than a decade ago. And when the ruthless antique dealer who handled the sale discovers that the doll was hidden inside, she threatens to call the police if Felicia doesn’t give her the precious doll that was a gift from her beloved grandfather.
Okay, I tried posting once and it disappeared into the void. I'm gonna try one more time. LoL. First, make sure you spell "12" and hyphenate when stating age...twelve-year-old. After rereading, I'm wondering if the grandmother or mention of the antique dealer's grandfather is important. If not I'd eliminate. Also, I think the stakes lose impact when you follow with the sentence about the grandfather. I'd end with concern about going to juvenile jail. Maybe something like:
Twelve-year-old Felicia is given a valuable antique doll from her late grandmother and learns it's secret origin—it'd been found hidden in a desk purchased from an estate sale. And if that's not enough to write home about, it's haunted by a cranky ghost claiming to have given the doll to her little sister as the Titanic sank into the icy sea.
Being an only child whose divorced parents barely speak, Felicia is familiar with loss and loneliness. So when the ghost reveals she doesn’t know if her little sister survived, Felicia is compelled to help find out. (I changed her to out because she can't find her if she doesn't know yet if she survived.) But the only clue is a receipt from the desk sold more than a decade ago. The ruthless antique dealer finds out and wants the doll back, threatening to call the police. Felicia must decide if helping the ghost is worth going to juvenile jail.
Okay, this isn't super, but I hope it helps. Use what you want and toss what you don't. Good luck!
Last Edit: May 16, 2017 14:56:12 GMT -5 by pdpabst
When 12 year old Felicia is given a valuable antique doll, she can’t believe that her late grandmother not only found it hidden in an estate sale desk but kept the doll’s origin a closely guarded secret. This sentence runs a little long and makes me wonder how Felicia knows where her grandma got the doll...if its origins were kept secret. And if that’s not enough to write home about, it’s haunted by a very cranky ghost who claims to have given the doll to her little sister on the deck of Titanic as it sank into the icy sea. Nice development!
Being an only child whose divorced parents barely speak, You might consider active voice there: "Felicia is an only child...so..." Felicia is familiar with loss and loneliness. So when the ghost reveals that she doesn’t know if her little sister survived, Felicia is compelled to help find her. But the only clue is a receipt from the desk sold more than a decade ago. That desk phrase slows me down a bit...could you just say "a yellowed, decade-old receipt" or something along those lines? And when the ruthless antique dealer who handled the sale discovers that the doll was hidden inside, she threatens to call the police if Felicia doesn’t give her the precious doll that was a gift from her beloved grandfather.
How about a hooky closing sentence or two? In order to [ avert the disaster ], Felicia must [ her hard, risky task ] or [ the proverbial bad ending . ] Cool concept, keep up the good work!