Post by runnergirl27 on May 12, 2017 9:26:18 GMT -5
Fifteen-year old Lexi Thompson wishes she’d died in the car accident with her parents.
But then she receives a letter from a prestigious mathematical institute, notifying her of a secret her parents kept-- they purportedly proved a million-dollar math theorem. Their research is lost and it is up to Lexi to find it and send it to the institute.
Mired in grief and guilt since her parents’ deaths, Lexi is determined to find the proof, hoping to atone—in a small way—for surviving the crash. Lexi reaches out for help from Joe, her math class friend with the kind, gentle nature and mesmerizing green eyes. As the search for her parents’ research brings them closer, Lexi worries her own secret of being a cutter, an issue that predates her parents’ deaths, will leak out and scare Joe away.
As they continue to search, Lexi realizes she’s not the only one looking for her parents’ proof. She’s sure the mysterious man who has plagued her in strange dream-like visions since her parents’ deaths is the same one she starts seeing in the woods as she runs with her dog. Lexi suspects he covets the proof for his own gain and fears what he will do to her if she finds the proof first.
The longer it takes to find the proof, the more Lexi jeopardizes her well-being by cutting and risks having the mysterious man find the proof before she does. Both her parents’ academic immortality and her chance at a stable, happy life—one that includes a relationship with Joe—depend upon it.
Complete at 87,000 words, A Complex Solution is a YA suspense with paranormal and romance elements and is a standalone with series potential.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Last Edit: May 16, 2017 14:05:50 GMT -5 by runnergirl27
Fifteen-year old Lexi Thompson wishes she’d died in the car accident with her parents.
But then she receives a letter from a prestigious mathematical institute, notifying her of a secret her parents kept-- they purportedly proved a million-dollar math theorem. Their research is lost, though and it is up to Lexi to find it.
Mired in grief and guilt since her parents’ deaths, Lexi is determined to find the proof, hoping to atone—in a small way—for surviving the crash. Lexi reaches out for help from Joe, her math class friend with the mesmerizing green eyes. As the search for her parents’ research brings them closer, though, Lexi worries her own secret of being a self-cutter will leak out and scare Joe away. But when Joe discloses he knows about her problem and wants to help her, it strengthens their relationship and their pursuit of the proof.
As they continue to search, Lexi realizes she’s not the only one looking for her parents’ proof. So far, I understand it. She’s sure the mysterious man plaguing her in strange visions is the same one she’s seen in the woods while running with her dog.But this messes with my head. What strange visions? Memories? Dreams? Literal visions? I have no idea what you mean, and since this isn't Fantasy, my brain can't come up with an answer. Lexi suspects he covets the proof for his own gain and fears what he will do to her if she finds the proof first.Here, you say "the proof" two times and it's repetitive. Plus, I had to read back to beginning of the query to see what "proof" you were talking about. Also, why does she fears this man? I'd have thought she'd try to speak with him first, see what the hell he's about. Then if he does something shady, she starts to fear him.
Her parents’ crack at mathematical immortalityI don't think this is what you mean, but here the first thing my brain understands is that whatever she's looking for will grant people immortality. depends on her diligence and the evasive measures she will need to take to get the proof into safe hands.Too vague, I think. Her chance at a deeper relationship with Joe and a stable, happy life hinges on her willingness to seek help for her self-harming addiction.Wait, but what about her parents' research? This final paragraph reads like you totally brushed that aside.
Complete at 87,000 words, A Complex SolutionA COMPLEX SOLUTION is a YA suspense with paranormal and romance elements and is a standalone with series potential.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hey, this is familiar! We spoke before, didn't we? I think I read a 35-word pitch of your story, or something like that before. Maybe we met on Twitter? I'm Ana.
Anywaaaaaay, I really really really like this (I probably said that before already, hahaha.)
Your first chapters are so strong, and they drew me in before I even realized it. But I go a little lost at the two final paragraphs...perhaps you can make them clearer?
Post by runnergirl27 on May 12, 2017 14:06:25 GMT -5
Hi Ana: Yes, we traded pitches a while back for a Twitter contest. I've changed so much with my novel, going from 3rd person to 1st person POV, changing the tense from past to present and trying to re-write my query. Again and again and again. I had some suggestions from a #RevPit editor I worked with a few weeks ago. I'm trying to get my query to better link up with my novel. You made some very good points here and I'm going to go back and revise, using your suggestions.
Just a note, the 'immortality' I refer to in the last paragraph is Lexi's parents' place in Mathematical history, since if they proved the theorem they will have their names attached to the proof forever. They will be known officially as the people who proved the mathematical world's most famous theorem. Maybe I need to change the wording.
As for the visions, I obviously need to make that clearer. Lexi has visions, which stop her cold, she becomes dizzy and sees things in her head. It's a difficult concept to convey, but that's where the paranormal element comes in. It's like her parents are speaking to her, sending her messages from the dead.
I really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. I look forward to reading your work on this forum. Thanks so much!
Fifteen-year old Lexi Thompson wishes she’d died in the car accident with her parents. (Hooked!)
But then she receives a letter from a prestigious mathematical institute, notifying her of a secret her parents kept-- they purportedly proved a million-dollar math theorem. (I think I want more detail here--how/why is the institute writing to them? Do they want to publish the theorem/proof?) Their research is lost, though(comma) and it is up to Lexi to find it.
Mired in grief and guilt since her parents’ deaths, Lexi is determined to find the proof, hoping to atone—in a small way—for surviving the crash. (strong motivation) Lexi reaches out for help from Joe, her math class friend with the mesmerizing green eyes. (Why does she pick Joe, aside from his eyes?) As the search for her parents’ research brings them closer, though, Lexi worries her own secret of being a self-cutter (Did this start with the crash, or before?) will leak out and scare Joe away. But when Joe discloses he knows about her problem and wants to help her, it strengthens their relationship and their pursuit of the proof.
As they continue to search, Lexi realizes she’s not the only one looking for her parents’ proof. She’s sure the mysterious man plaguing her in strange visions is the same one she’s seen in the woods while running with her dog. Lexi suspects he covets the proof for his own gain and fears what he will do to her if she finds the proof first. (Why does she think so? It could be her mind playing tricks on her--see a scary man, imagine he's still around. Can you rephrase to imply that she gets the visions first and then sees him in real life?)
Her parents’ crack at mathematical immortality (I didn't have a problem with this phrase, but my bestie and her husband are math geeks, so... Maybe academic immortality?) depends on her diligence and the evasive measures she will need to take to get the proof into safe hands. Her chance at a deeper relationship with Joe and a stable, happy life hinges on her willingness to seek help for her self-harming addiction. (These seem like two separate sets of problems and stakes. On the one hand, publish her parents' proof and earn the immortality [what happens if she fails there?], on the other, her chance at a happy life in the present [not tied to the past] and her mental/emotional health. Can you tie them together in a more obvious way? If Lexi is becoming obsessed with the past and her parents, that would make a good contrast to her future with Joe.)
Complete at 87,000 words, A Complex Solution is a YA suspense with paranormal and romance elements and is a standalone with series potential.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
There aren't enough books about girls in STEM! YAY, Lexi!! I think this is a great scenario for a book, and I hope I get to read it someday!
Post by runnergirl27 on May 13, 2017 8:30:10 GMT -5
Thank you bronniesway and anathebookworm for your suggestions. I have made revisions to my query and re-posted. I hope I've improved it. And yes, there aren't nearly enough books about girls in STEM (I'm a math person, myself) which is why I created this story.
Fifteen-year old Lexi Thompson wishes she’d died in the car accident with her parents.
But then she receives a letter from a prestigious mathematical institute, notifying her of a secret her parents kept-- they purportedly proved a million-dollar math theorem. Their research is lost, though, and it is up to Lexi to find it and send it to the institute. (Much clearer, I understand the situation now.)
Mired in grief and guilt since her parents’ deaths, Lexi is determined to find the proof, hoping to atone—in a small way—for surviving the crash. Lexi reaches out for help from Joe, her math class friend with the kind, gentle nature and mesmerizing green eyes. As the search for her parents’ research brings them closer, though, Lexi worries her own secret of being a self-cutter, an issue that predates her parents’ deaths, will leak out and scare Joe away. But when Joe discloses he knows about her problem and wants to help her, it strengthens their relationship and their pursuit of the proof. (I think this is nullifying your stakes, when what we want in the query is to keep ratcheting them up. It's okay if chronologically this happens before the things mentioned in the third paragraph, the query doesn't have to reflect the book exactly, same for the synopsis. If you take this sentence out, the matter doesn't feel 'closed'.)
As they continue to search, Lexi realizes she’s not the only one looking for her parents’ proof. She’s sure the mysterious man who has plagued her (I wonder if you can get more specific about how he's bothering her, or what makes her think he wants the proof. Staring? Handling a graphic calculator? ) in strange dream-like visions since her parents’ deaths is the same one she starts seeing in the woods as she runs with her dog. Lexi suspects he covets the proof for his own gain and fears what he will do to her if she finds the proof first. (Wrap this up with a connection to the self-harm and it's golden. Is her fear of this man, and/or anxiety about finding the proof, causing her to harm herself?)
Lexi must acknowledge her need for professional help to treat her self-harming addiction. Both her parents’ crack at academic immortality and her chance at a stable, happy life—one that includes a deepening relationship with Joe—depend upon it.
Complete at 87,000 words, A Complex Solution is a YA suspense with paranormal and romance elements and is a standalone with series potential.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
This is turning into a really strong query, good job!!
Post by bronniesway on May 15, 2017 9:36:50 GMT -5
Yes, so smooth now!
That ending is tricksy. I'm still not quite seeing how harming herself will prevent her from finding her parents' research. It's obvious how it'll impact her long-term happiness, relationships, etc., but what about the proof?
Does the mysterious stranger hold it against her in some way? Is she getting distracted from her true goal? Make that connection and I think you're golden.
Fifteen-year old Lexi Thompson wishes she’d died in the car accident with her parents. (Nice opening. I wonder what it would look like with a couple more details. Why does she wish she died? Survivor’s guilt? Did she do something that caused the accident? Was she even in the car? Was she injured? Just a hint or two. )
But then she receives a letter from a prestigious mathematical institute, notifying her of a secret her parents kept—(I wonder if this clause should end in a colon. I’m not sure though.) they purportedly proved a million-dollar math theorem. Their research is lost, though, (I think the word “though” tripped me up. I recommend cutting it.) and it is up to Lexi to find it and send it to the institute.
Mired in grief and guilt since her parents’ deaths, Lexi is determined to find the proof, hoping to atone—in a small way—for surviving the crash. Lexi reaches out for help from Joe, her math class friend with the kind, gentle nature (YES! A math nerd, non-jock love interest! It’s about time!) and mesmerizing green eyes. As the search for her parents’ research brings them closer, though, (Again, this “though” feels awkward. Can you say “But” at the beginning? Or “However”?) Lexi worries her own secret of being a self-cutter, an issue that predates her parents’ deaths, will leak out and scare Joe away.
As they continue to search, Lexi realizes she’s not the only one looking for her parents’ proof. She’s sure the mysterious man who has plagued her in strange dream-like visions since her parents’ deaths is the same one she starts seeing in the woods as she runs with her dog. (Interesting!) Lexi suspects he covets the proof for his own gain and fears what he will do to her if she finds the proof first.
The longer it takes to find the proof, the more Lexi jeopardizes her well-being by cutting and risks having the mysterious man find the proof before she does. Both her parents’ crack (When I first read this, I thought “crack” was a verb, as in “Both of her parents are cracking…” My suggestion is to simplify this: “Her parent’s academic immortality and her chance…etc.”) at academic immortality and her chance at a stable, happy life—one that includes a relationship with Joe—depend upon it. That’s something she can’t afford.
Complete at 87,000 words, A Complex Solution is a YA suspense with paranormal and romance elements and is a standalone with series potential.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
I love the mix of “contemporary” and para-normal/supernatural. My story is similar in that respect. I feel for Lexi, and I like that you are wrestling with an issue like cutting. I’m certain that you will handle it in a sensitive manner without glamorizing it. I would love to read more! Good work and good luck!
Post by runnergirl27 on May 16, 2017 14:04:38 GMT -5
kdw: Thanks so much. You're right, I don't need those 'though's and I am deleting them. Also, I'm simplifying my last paragraph and taking out 'crack'.
I'm glad you like my contemporary with paranormal genre. It's my favorite type of book to read, as well as to write, blending the mundane, everyday with a bit of supernatural.
And yes, cutting is a very serious and painful issue. I believe I've handled it with sensitivity. I can't imagine writing it any other way. Thanks for your help and good luck to you too. I will have to read your posts.