BASEBALL PANTS - Adult Contemp Romance

Hey there! Thanks for sharing your first page!

First read through initial thoughts: These three have a good friendship where they aren’t afraid to tell Mike the truth. I always enjoy strong friendships and “tell it like you mean it” characters. Nothing is worse in a romance novel when it's only the male and female main characters. I love a good friend or two to help mix things up a bit and I bet Dean and Angie will do just that!

Some things I've noticed...

There is a LOT of unnecessary detail in the first paragraph. I get what you’re doing (setting up who is who--which I appreciate!) but I’d suggest reworking it so those details are sprinkled in. That gives us the most natural flow to the information (and it helps to avoid info dumping!). What made it drag out a bit was the part about being a sister, as well as the best-friend-preggo-wife part. There are several ways to show this without actually telling us. I'll give you an example in a second.

While Mike is single--I have to wonder if that’s the issue here. Is he a player? Is he chronically single? Doesn't have time to date? Did he get burned and no way in hell is he going there again? Whatever it is, we need to know. Perfect spot to drop that nugget is in Angie’s dialogue. Example: “Nice diversion, dumbass. You've got three weeks before you lose your third wheel status.” Angie rubs her growing baby belly. “Your breakup mourning period is over and it’s time to move off the bench and back into the batting order.” (NOTE: This was 100% off the top of my head and is not intended to be a replacement for your dialogue--only an example to illustrate the point and give you something to help with your own brainstorming.)

Dean's reaction didn't have the punch it could have. It's labeled as funny, but I didn't necessarily feel the funny. A smile isn’t enough. What about a shit eating smirk, or snort laughing with his mouth full of lasagna? A total smart ass. And all of those are ways to SHOW the funny rather than TELL us it’s funny.

Reading the last paragraph I assumed they were at a restaurant, not their apartment. I’d rework that somehow into the earlier paragraphs. The detail you provided about the apartment aren’t necessary unless they’re playing a part in the story. But it IS important to tell us where they are so we can picture the scene. Quiet apartment kitchen? Tiny patio with a bistro table?


250 words isn’t a lot to hook us--so you need to make every word count. It’s a delicate balance for sure. You have a great start! But getting us into Mike’s flaw/conflict with more clarity will help hook the reader a bit more. I’d also suggest cleaning up some of the wordiness, and giving us more showing of their friendship triangle in a more natural manner will help, too.

Good luck!

Thanks for the peek into your work. It's a brave start, a ball missing the outside corner and just low.

It made me say, huh? who? wait what's happening here? is he making a play for his best friends wife? Not exactly something that hooks me in when I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be following. Let's introduce the batter then swing at the pitch please.

First page, most people's third impression, cover, back cover blurb, first page, if it's a third strike, the pitcher wins the "K" Something we all want to do.

Keep swinging,
DTD