Lilah dreams of arguing cases before the supreme court. The chief justice himself will commend her knowledge, of course, and one day, she will be Justice Delilah Sheppard. Harry—her childhood sweetheart and the son of her father's business partner—is hell-bent on making the families' business into the "biggest, most bad-ass" oil company the world has ever seen, but Lilah wants no part of it. Then, the deaths of her parents and a traumatic abduction change the trajectory of their lives.
Through U.S Senator Temple, the man responsible for her rescue from the kidnappers, Lilah meets the Kingsleys. The family is powerful, with an actual supreme court justice as the patriarch and Senator Temple as their benefactor. Their relationships are murky, with warring cousins, murder attempts, and marriages to femme fatales. She finds herself as a pawn in the Kingsleys' plans to prop up their failing business empire. They pressure her to marry the heir, joining their companies in a de facto merger.
If she refuses, Harry's business will be destroyed, and she might end up dead. But if she agrees, she will lose Harry, and instead of being the highest arbitrator of justice in the land, she will become the boss of an illegal oil cartel bigger than OPEC.
Complete at 118,000 words, The Insurrection is a story which will take you across continents and through the tumultuous seventies and eighties. Sample pages are pasted below.
It feels like there's too much going on here. The query is heading deep into synopsis territory. Suggest ditching the entire first paragraph and starting with the abduction--the inciting event.
More importantly, I think you need to take a hard look at how each sentence functions. There are a lot of awkward and faulty constructions. Two examples:
1) Their traumatic escape, her subsequent adoption by a family for whom she's only the means to an end—she survives it all, with Harry at her side. --This could just be a typo, but the sentence doesn't make grammatical sense. I can kind of guess what you're trying to say (that it was scary, but she made it through), but the sentence doesn't actually say that. It's a fragment, and worse yet feels like an incomplete list.
2) With a floundering business empire to prop up, the Kingsley grandsons battle over Lilah and her connections to two of the biggest oil companies in the world. --This problem is more subtle. The structure of your sentence is fine, but it you put it in standard construction, you'll see the issue. The Kingsley grandsons battle over Lilah with a floundering business empire to prop up. What you mean is that they battle over her because they want to prop up their business, but instead the sentence says they battle with their business, as if it were a weapon.
Post by westeditor on May 11, 2017 11:23:06 GMT -5
Jay: In my opinion, the query should be shorter. Use a dagger instead of a sword. You may try to combine lines:
Lilah is certain what her future holds. One day she will argue before the supreme court and will eventually become Justice Delilah Sheppard. Harry, the son of her father's business partner, has plans of making their oil drilling company into the "biggest, most bad-ass" player in the sector, but Lilah wants no part of it. They do share one goal—life with each other.
65 words becomes 27 words
Lilah is certain she will one day be Supreme Court Justice Sheppard. Her soul mate, Harry, is set on turning his oil drilling company into a dynasty.
What I do is read my query out as a conversation, like a 'pitch.' If I have too many pauses, I rewrite.
Jay: In my opinion, the query should be shorter. Use a dagger instead of a sword. You may try to combine lines:
Lilah is certain what her future holds. One day she will argue before the supreme court and will eventually become Justice Delilah Sheppard. Harry, the son of her father's business partner, has plans of making their oil drilling company into the "biggest, most bad-ass" player in the sector, but Lilah wants no part of it. They do share one goal—life with each other.
65 words becomes 27 words
Lilah is certain she will one day be Supreme Court Justice Sheppard. Her soul mate, Harry, is set on turning his oil drilling company into a dynasty.
What I do is read my query out as a conversation, like a 'pitch.' If I have too many pauses, I rewrite.
Best, Rick
Thanks. By far the best advice I've gotten over the last 6 months!
Post by lumpyspaceauthor on May 12, 2017 11:47:25 GMT -5
This is an awesome and layered concept, but I would simmer and reduce it to its main components. Entice without giving much away. I'm going to jot off something that won't be a great polished query, but may give you some ideas..
Lilah wants to be a Supreme Court Justice. Harry wants to be the biggest oil tycoon the world has ever known. Their only common goal is to be together. That goal is tested in a big way by murder, kidnapping, and an arranged marriage.
Lilah finds herself as a pawn in an oil magnate's plans to prop up his failing empire. He wants her to marry a rich heir, and run a vast cartel. If she fails to go along with these plans, she may end up dead...or worse. But if she does, she'll lose Harry, and any hope of a normal life.
Lilah and Harry will be lucky to escape alive, much less realize their dreams.
Anyway, focus on the characters, the conflict, and the stakes, with only a few details to add color and suspense. Hope that gives you some ideas.
I like your first sentence--it grabbed me. My only problem was the rest of the paragraph didn't center me in where Lilah was in her life (is she a child dreaming or is she already a lawyer?)
"Lilah runs into" --> I need a bit more explanation of how that happens. Also why the family wants Lilah and why they'd kill her if she refuses.
I love the idea of a modern retelling of Mahabharata (one of my favorite stories). This has a strong voice that drew me in. Hope I've been helpful!
Post by Heidi Kneale (Her Grace) on May 16, 2017 3:30:20 GMT -5
I read your first page before I read your query. The first page is great.
Your query, on the other hand, is too heavy. westeditor and lumpyspaceauthor gave some great advice on tightening. Anything that we don't absolutely, positively HAVE to know can be cut.
What Lilah's main goal? HEA with Harry? What's preventing her from getting that? Politics within the Kingsley family? The beginning of your query needs to be simple, with the M/C's biggest goal and the fubar that's stopping her.
I love this line: If she refuses, Harry will lose his business, and she will end up dead. But if she agrees, she will lose Harry and will become the boss of an illegal oil cartel bigger than OPEC. Yep, this line totally rocks. It's concise and lays out the consequence in a very blatant manner.
Post by Heidi Kneale (Her Grace) on May 17, 2017 1:59:03 GMT -5
I still think you've got too much info.
Your first paragraph feels like it's backwards. It starts with her being a Supreme Court Justice, and ends with her being orphaned as a child. That doesn't work for me at all.
Does the pressure for her to get married happen before or after she becomes a Justice? Why is it so vitally important that we know she grows up to become a SCJ? I think you're giving that far too much weight.
The whole story is Lilah being used as a pawn in a power game.
When Lilah is rescued from a kidnapper by Senator Temple, she feels obliged to the powerful but morally questionable Kingsleys. She finds herself a pawn in their plans to prop up a failing business empire. They pressure her to marry the heir, joining their companies in a de facto merger.
Meanwhile Harry—her childhood sweetheart and the son of her father's business partner—is hell-bent on making the families' business into the "biggest, most bad-ass" oil company the world has ever seen. Lilah wants no part in any of it, as she has her sights set on a career in law.
If she refuses the Kingsley marriage, Harry will lose his business, and she will end up dead. But if she agrees, she will lose Harry, and instead of being the highest arbitrator of justice in the land, she will become the boss of an illegal oil cartel bigger than OPEC.