THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT--Contemp Fantasy, Thrllr

Cesar,

I cannot find too much to critique here. You seem to follow the format I know (character, conflict, choice, consequence) closely and well.

I have a few thoughts about the first paragraph but I'm not so sure you need to change anything because of them. First, I did wonder what exactly "smell the emotional content of a crime" refers to. I'm not sure what to picture. However, it's intriguing as is. I'm curious. I'm also not into the phrase "knowing why is half the battle", because it could be more specific, is a little too vague, though again, I'm not so put off that I think it must be changed.

Second paragraph sketches out his team well and "the victims turn out to be worse than the killer" got my attention. I wondered why he had to team up with anybody or who orchestrates it but all questions can't be put to rest. Maybe it's a good one to leave us with...?

Third paragraph is where you may need some work. Starts strong with "stuck in the middle and being played by both sides" but I think there may need to be more consequence in there. Almost seems like it would be too easy for them to just walk away since the victims are "the city's worst criminals". Everything is intriguing, so I'm not sure it matters. As written, I'm curious. But maybe if there's some glue that forces them to stick it out, forces Eddie to stick it out, you should include it...

I hope that's helpful, Cesar.

Hi Cesar

the concept is interesting, but the query confused me.

1) If you mention he's part of NYC's elite supernatural force (or whatever the name), you could possibly shorten the intro. Ex. As the best homicide detective in NYPD's Paranormal division, Eddie N is assigned to investigate the stumpers. His powers help him smell the emotional content...

2) Why is the newest assignment beyond? Seems to me he discovered the why of it right off the bat.

3) What most powerful man in NY? The killer? How?

me tu brute? - Sorry, the cesar got me......I like the concept. It can go lots o' places....

I like direct:

- Eddie smells crime. That's why he's the best detective.......

- A vigilante serial killer's power is growing one body at a time, and he's.....

See how fast you get two main thrusts out there to the agent?



-Being played by both sides is by definition in the middle. So only say something once.

Read your query out loud like it's an elevator pitch. You only have three floors to get it to the agent.

Best,

Rick

My take:
I sort of feel like the first sentence is a bit vague - I guess you mean they all have powers in this world. If that's the case, then maybe you should consider saying what powers the "aging crank" and the "doe-eyed newbie" have. As it is, the only ones referred to having powers are Eddie and the bad guy.
Also the second sentence in the second paragraph reads "run-on"y. Split it up somehow.
Biggest issue of the query: Though inclined let this killer take out the city’s worst criminals first, his abilities grow with each murder, and it may soon be too late.
First part of the sentence seems to have a missing word. Also this sentence contains a dangling modifier. The first part refers to Eddie, whereas the second refers to the killer. It's very unclear. In your current phrasing, it sounds like Eddie's abilities are the ones growing - and inclined to let the killer take out the city's criminals.
Correct: Though Eddie is inclined TO let this killer take out the city's worst criminals, he fears his foe's abilities are growing with each murder. Soon, it may be too late to stop him. (Not claiming this is the best phrasing, but something like that.) Alternately, you can separate the sentences or remove Eddie as the subject of the first part entirely. E.g. Though it would be convenient to let this killer..., his abilities are growing....