I shoved the slingshot inside my sash, and dropped to the mud to peer through the rose bush. A small frog stretched out on the edge of the wishing well, belly up to the sun.
Once upon a time, a princess ventured through the wilds of Fablewood...
I squeezed under the bush, but a thorn snagged the frilly hem of my dress. I yanked until it tore free with a loud RIIIP. I froze. The frog stretched his scrawny arms, wiggled a teeny bit, and stilled. He hadn't heard me. The frog was mine.
The brave princess had climbed tall towers, outrun villains, trudged through swamps...
Squelching as quietly through the mushy mud as I possible, I crawled to the well and paused to take a few breaths.
One happily ever after...two happily ever after...three happily ever after.
She was princess Penelope, daughter of Cinderella. One little frog was no match for her.
“Surrender!” I sprung to my feet.
A frog-shaped puddle sparkled on the stones.
“Rotten Peas!” I leaned over the well. The water at the bottom was undisturbed. Where did he go?
Something sharp poked me in the cheek.
“Gotcha, Princess!”
I turned and glared into the frog's scum-colored googley eyes. “Phib! When did you know I was coming?"
“I saw you when you left the castle doors.” Phib flourished the stick he'd been poking me with like a fencing sword, bowed, then settled down, belly up to the sun once again. The dank smell of algae mixed with jasmine tickled my nose: eau de Phib.
This is a cute beginning, but I feel like you don't need the first two sentences. The third line is a stronger opening. Plus, the comma in the first sentence is incorrect, and it's distracting.
Also watch out for starting too many sentences with I statements. And it's better to avoid rhetorical questions. Show the empty well bottom, and let your reader wonder where he went instead of leading them there.
Thank you for the feedback Laura ! I went back and forth on the rhetorical question. I'm glad you pointed it out to help me hit that delete button. It's funny that I never thought to start the story with the third line, I mean it's a great way to start a fairytale mash-up, right?
I shoved the slingshot inside my sash, and dropped to the mud to peer through the rose bush. A small frog stretched out on the edge of the wishing well, belly up to the sun.
Once upon a time, a princess ventured through the wilds of Fablewood...
I shoved the slingshot inside my sash and dropped to the mud to peer through the rose bush. The small frog stretched out on the edge of the wishing well, belly up to the sun. I squeezed under the bush, but a thorn snagged the frilly hem of my dress. I yanked until it tore free with a loud RIIIP. I froze. The frog stretched his scrawny arms, wiggled a teeny bit, and stilled. He hadn't heard me. He was mine.
The brave princess had climbed tall towers, outrun vile villains, trudged through sweltering swamps...
Squelching as quietlystealthily through the mushy mud as I possible could, I crawled to the well and paused to take a few breaths.
One happily ever after...two happily ever after...three happily ever after.
She was princess Penelope, daughter of Cinderella. One little frog was no match for her.
I sprung to my feet. “Surrender!”
A frog-shaped puddle sparkled on the stones.
“Rotten peas!” I leaned over the well. The water at the bottom was undisturbed. Where did he go?
Something sharp poked me in the cheek.
“Gotcha, Princess!”
I turned snapped my head to the side and glared into the frog's scum-colored googley eyes. “Phib! When did you know I was coming? I had you this time. How do you do that? "
“I saw you when you left the castle doors.” Phib flourished the stick he'd been poking me with like a fencing sword, bowed, then settled down, belly up to the sun once again. The dank smell of algae mixed with jasmine tickledfestered in my nose: eau de Phib.
I shoved the slingshot inside my sash, (no comma as the following clause is incomplete) and dropped to the mud to peer through the rose bush. A small frog stretched out on the edge of the wishing well, belly up to the sun (beautiful image!).
Once upon a time, a princess ventured through the wilds of Fablewood...
I squeezed under the bush, but a thorn snagged the frilly hem of my dress. I yanked until it tore free with a loud rip RIIIP. I froze. The frog stretched his scrawny arms, wiggled a teeny bit, and stilled (LOL). He hadn't heard me. The frog was MIIINE!
The brave princess had climbed tall towers, outrun villains, trudged through swamps...
Squelching as quietly through the mushy mud as I possible, I crawled to the well and paused to take a few breaths.
One happily ever after...two happily ever after...three happily ever after.
She was pPrincess Penelope (the princess is correct but it should be Princess Penelope), daughter of Cinderella. One little frog was no match for her.
“Surrender!” I sprung to my feet.
A frog-shaped puddle sparkled on the stones.
“Rotten Peas!” I leaned over the well. The water at the bottom was undisturbed. Where did he go?
Something sharp poked me in the cheek.
“Gotcha, Princess!”
I turned and glared into the frog's scum-colored googley eyes. “Phib! When did you know I was coming?"
“I saw you when you left the castle doors.” Phib flourished the stick he'd been poking me with like a fencing sword, bowed, then settled down, belly up to the sun once again. The dank smell of algae mixed with jasmine tickled my nose: eau de Phib (italicize foreign language).
I love the idea of starting with this sentence too!
Once upon a time, a princess ventured through the wilds of Fablewood...
Everyone has already done so well spotting things, the only other thing I'd suggest is reforming the sentence below to eliminate the I's. Squelching as quietly (<--stronger verb? I liked stealthy, or maybe "Squelching mutely) through the mushy mud as I possible, I crawled to the well and paused to take a few breaths.
I LOVE this fairytale mashup! The opening with the frog makes me think of my younger years and creeping up on people to startle them. LoL. I can't wait to finish reading this story!