Today it takes only three minutes before my brain starts to ache, every muscle in my body tightening into painfully-compact coils. I slam my fist on the cafeteria table with a loud thud; the holograms floating above it blink and fizzle for a microsecond. Sitting across from me, Paum doesn’t even flinch.
“It’s no use,” I say. “It doesn’t matter how long we stare at these stupid things. We’ll never figure it out.” I throw a curt gesture at the holos—one of my beloved microbe DNA helix, the other a diagram of the chemical composition of the lethal substance floroclide.
“People are watching,” Paum says in his typical soothing voice. He’s right. I notice the surreptitious glances from nearby tables. Through the hazy holos I can make out his smile. “And don’t worry—we’ll figure it out. We’ve just been stuck for a little while, that’s all.”
I want to shake him by his firm, defined shoulders. A little while? He calls three godforsaken months a little while?
But I hold my tongue and shift my gaze to the window that spans the left side of the cafeteria. It looks out over a rolling, crisp, green lawn complete with a flagpole smack dab in the middle of it. Behind that loops a wide asphalt driveway with a series of cheery yellow school buses parked along it. The white and navy flag boasts our high school’s so-called symbol—the roman numeral XII, reflecting our sector.
I guess that’s pretty close to what the “perfect” high school front yard looked like a little over a millennium ago before The Great Blight started in 2022.
Post by nooneofconsequence on May 10, 2017 13:52:50 GMT -5
This is pretty good, so there's not a lot to say. So I'll get a little nitpicky (don't take any of this as negative...this is super minor stuff.)
Your hook is good, and I'm immediately interested in what's going on with the tech. Then you kind of slow it down with your description of the boyfriend. It would be great if you could integrate that in a smoother way.
As written, you're dedicating an action to it 'I can make out his wavy brown hair'. Instead of dedicating an action, try to incorporate the description *into* an action. You actually do that really well in paragraph four -- 'I want to shake him by his firm, defined...' You let us know that he's built without really stopping to tell us (which is kind of repetitive from your first description.)
Especially with SF and F and other action type genres, try to keep the action and forward moving plot stuff at the front, and work the other things in so they're unobtrusive.
Also, in paragraph 2 you use 'my' twice in the last sentence, which you could fix.
Want to reiterate -- this has a good hook, and is a good first page.
Post by runnergirl27 on May 10, 2017 15:18:28 GMT -5
I tend to agree with nooneofconsequence. I think it's a good opening page. I would delete one of the descriptions of Paum, either 'fits his muscular upper body' or 'I want to shake him by his firm, defined shoulders...' I think you only need one of those descriptions to show us he's muscular/well-defined. That's all. This is a nice opening. I would definitely read on.
Today it takes only three minutes before my brain starts to ache, every muscle in my body tightens into painfully-compact coils. (This is a great hook--what's she doing that causes pain?--but the cause of the pain isn't mentioned again.) I slam my fist on the cafeteria table with a loud thud, and the holograms floating above it blink and fizzle for a microsecond. My boyfriend Paum, who’s sitting across from me, doesn’t even flinch.
“Gah!” I cry. “It’s no use. It doesn’t matter how long we stare at these stupid, worthless things. We’ll never figure it out.” I throw a curt gesture at the holos—one of my beloved microbe DNA helix, the other a diagram of the chemical composition of the lethal substance floroclide—displayed by my universal bracelet around my wrist. (On first read-through my eyes glazed over a little at the sudden tech jargon. Next time, not a problem. But if others mention it, I would take another look at it.)
“Calm down, Zay,” Paum says in his typical soothing voice. Through the hazy holos I can make out his wavy brown hair and collared shirt that nicely fits his muscular upper body.(At this point I find it much more interesting that his instinct is 'you're causing a scene', rather than what he looks like. And you've done such a great job of describing him in the next paragraph that this feels redundant.) “You’re drawing people’s attention.” He’s right. I notice an increase in eye whites at nearby tables. (Nice!) “And don’t worry—we’ll figure it out. We’ve just been stuck for a little while, that’s all.”
I want to shake him by his firm, defined shoulders and scream, “A little while? A little while? You call three godforsaken months a little while?”
(How's that pain coming along? Her beau's dismissive and she's still really frustrated. I'm waiting for that hook to lead me somewhere really cool. Can this last paragraph be pushed to the next page so you have room for another hook at the end of this one? You want a sting in the tail to prompt the reader to turn the page.)
But I hold my tongue and shift my gaze to the window that spans the left side of the cafeteria a couple rows of tables away. It looks out over a rolling, crisp, green lawn complete with a flagpole smack dab in the middle of it.
I like Zay's strong reactions, but I'm really curious about why they are so strong. What about this problem causes her this level of pain? And if it's strong enough to slam the table, etc., why isn't it mentioned again?
You've got some great wordplay in here--eye whites, shake him by his firm, defined shoulders.
If you can rearrange things a little to end the page on another hook, you'll have a really strong entry!
Post by melissamenten on May 10, 2017 21:09:23 GMT -5
Today it takes only three minutes before my brain starts to ache, every muscle in my body tightens[ing] into painfully-compact coils. I slam my fist on the cafeteria table with a loud thud, and the holograms floating above it blink and fizzle for a microsecond. My boyfriend[,] Paum, who’s sitting across from me, doesn’t even flinch.
“Gah!” I cry. “It’s no use. It doesn’t matter how long we stare at these stupid, worthless things. We’ll never figure it out.” I throw a curt gesture at the holos—one of my beloved microbe DNA helix, the other a diagram of the chemical composition of the lethal substance floroclide—displayed by my universal bracelet around my wrist.[This paragraph seems a little over-loaded with world-building.]
“Calm down, Zay,” Paum says in his typical soothing voice. Through the hazy holos I can make out his wavy brown hair and collared shirt that nicely fits his muscular upper body. “You’re drawing people’s attention.” He’s right. I notice an increase in eye whites [to me, this reads a little strange-I'd say "widened eyes"] at nearby tables. “And don’t worry—we’ll figure it out. We’ve just been stuck for a little while, that’s all.”
I want to shake him by his firm, defined shoulders and scream, “A little while? A little while? You call three godforsaken months a little while?”
But I hold my tongue and shift my gaze to the window that spans the left side of the cafeteria a couple rows of tables away. It looks out over a rolling, crisp, green lawn complete with a flagpole smack dab in the middle of it.
I like the tension on the page, but I wish it was a little more clear what about the DNA helix and floroclide they are puzzling over, especially since it's been 3 months. Also, minor thing-I'm not sure if these are totally made up names or just ones I'm not familiar with, but I am not positive from this page whether Zay is a boy or girl. Since this is a first page contest, I think your last sentence should have more of a hook, especially if your description of the lawn and flagpole isn't building to something with more tension in it. You have, however, shown us a bit of your story's conflict and the personality of two of your characters here with some world-building so it's a good start. Find a closing line that deepens your hook and I'd read on.
Today it takes only three minutes before my brain starts to ache, every muscle in my body tightens into painfully-compact coils. Good. I slam my fist on the cafeteria table with a loud thud;, and the holograms floating above it blink and fizzle for a microsecond. My boyfriend Paum, who’sSitting across from me, Paum doesn’t even flinch.
“Gah!” I cry. “It’s no use. It doesn’t matter how long we stare at these stupid, worthless things. We’ll never figure it out.” I throw a curt gesture at the holos—one of my beloved microbe DNA helix, the other a diagram of the chemical composition of the lethal substance floroclide—displayed by my universal bracelet around my wrist.The bastards.
“Calm down, Zay People are watching,” Paum says in his typical soothing voice. Through the hazy holos I can make out his wavy brown hair and collared shirt that nicely fits his muscular upper body. “You’re drawing people’s attention.” He’s right. I notice an increase in eye whites atthe surreptitious glances from nearby tables. Through the hazy colors I can make out his smile. “And don’t worry—we’ll figure it out. We’ve just been stuck for a little while, that’s all.”
I want to shake him. by his firm, defined shoulders and scream, “A little while? A little while?You He calls three godforsaken months a little while?”
But I hold my tongue and shift my gaze to the window that spans the left side of the cafeteria a couple rows of tables away. It looks out over a rolling, crisp, green lawn complete with a flagpole smack dab in the middle of it.
I agree that this is a really good start, and I like jumping us into the action and Zay's frustration here. But there's a lot of little points that come off as a bit stilted. Specifically, I think the dialogue could sound a little more natural, and the repeated comments about Paum's attractiveness — it doesn't read like Zay thinking 'omg my boyfriend is so hot', it comes across as the author wanting to let the reader know how attractive Paum is.
Today it takes only three minutes before my brain starts to ache, I feel like there's a transition missing here. Doesn't make sense as is. every muscle in my body tightens into painfully-compact coils. I slam my fist on the cafeteria table with a loud thud, and the holograms floating above it blink and fizzle for a microsecond. My boyfriend Paum, who’s sitting across from me, doesn’t even flinch.
“Gah!” I cry. “It’s no use. It doesn’t matter how long we stare at these stupid, worthless things. We’ll never figure it out.” I throw a curt gesture at the holos—one of my beloved microbe DNA helix, the other a diagram of the chemical composition of the lethal substance floroclide—displayed by my universal bracelet around my wrist. <<This line seems a little confusing to me. I had to reread it a few times.
“Calm down, Zay,” Paum says in his typical soothing voice. Through the hazy holos I can make out his wavy brown hair and collared shirt that nicely fits his muscular upper body. “You’re drawing people’s attention.” He’s right. I notice an increase in eye whites That's a weird way to put it. at nearby tables. “And don’t worry—we’ll figure it out. We’ve just been stuck for a little while, that’s all.”
I want to shake him by his firm, defined shoulders and scream, “A little while? A little while? You call three godforsaken months a little while?”
But I hold my tongue and shift my gaze to the window that spans the left side of the cafeteria a couple rows of tables away. It looks out over a rolling, crisp, green lawn complete with a flagpole smack dab in the middle of it.
I like it! There's maybe a lil too much "ohh my man is so hunky, let me tell you the ways" but otherwise good
Today it takes only three minutes before my brain starts to ache, every muscle in my body tightens into painfully-compact coils. Great language, but the first sentence is a comma splice - I'd split up into two, or morph the second into a clause. I slam my fist on the cafeteria table with a loud thud, and the holograms floating above it blink and fizzle for a microsecond. Lands us in the SF world right away. Bingo. My boyfriend Paum, who’s sitting across from me, doesn’t even flinch. Consider: "Across the table, my boyfriend Paum doesn't even flinch."
“Gah!” I cry. “It’s no use. It doesn’t matter how long we stare at these stupid, worthless things. We’ll never figure it out.” I throw a curt gesture at the holos—one of my beloved microbe DNA helix, the other a diagram of the chemical composition of the lethal substance floroclide—displayed by my universal bracelet around my wrist.
“Calm down, Zay,” Paum says in a histypical soothing voice. Through the hazy holos I can make out his wavy brown hair and collared shirt that nicely fits his muscular upper body. “You’re drawing people’s attention.” He’s right. I notice an increase in eye whites at nearby tables. “And don’t worry—we’ll figure it out. We’ve just been stuck for a little while, that’s all.”
I want to shake him by his firm, defined shoulders and scream, “A little while? A little while? You call three godforsaken months a little while?”
But I hold my tongue and shift my gaze to the window that spans the left side of the cafeteria a couple rows of tables away. It looks out over a rolling, crisp, green lawn complete with a flagpole smack dab in the middle of it.
Hi chrisv, See my suggestions above! I'd love one more sentence to really hook us in, so I made a few cut suggestions. You do a great job with initial worldbuilding here - it's like a mashup of a high school drama in a futuristic world. I want to know more about Zay's goal here. I also am not sure if Zay is a female or a male - might want to clarify this. Good luck!
Today it takes only three minutes before my brain starts to ache, every muscle in my body tightening into painfully-compact coils.<--You never provide an explanation for why he's experiencing this pain. It's more confusing than it is intriguing. At least elude to the answer in a sentence between this one and the next. I slam my fist on the cafeteria table with a loud thud; the holograms floating above it blink and fizzle for a microsecond. Sitting across from me, Paum doesn’t even flinch.
“It’s no use,” I say. “It doesn’t matter how long we stare at these stupid things. We’ll never figure it out (This dialogue doesn't sound natural).” I throw a curt gesture at the holos—one of them my beloved microbe DNA helix, the other a diagram of the chemical composition of the lethal substance floroclide.
“People are watching,” Paum says in his typical (By saying "his," you're already implying that his soothing voice is typical.) soothing voice. He’s right. I notice the surreptitious glances from nearby tables. Through the hazy holos I can make out his smile. “And don’t worry—we’ll figure it out. We’ve just been stuck for a little while. That’s all.(I broke the sentence up because as it was, it sounded like a cliche line of dialogue.)”
I want to shake him by his firm, defined shoulders. A little while? He calls three godforsaken months a little while?
But I hold my tongue and shift my gaze to the window that spans the left side of the cafeteria. It looks out over a rolling, crisp, green lawn complete with a flagpole smack dab in the middle of it. Behind that loops a wide asphalt driveway with a series of cheery yellow school buses parked along it. The white and navy flag boasts our high school’s so-called symbol—the roman numeral XII, reflecting our sector.
I guess that’s pretty close to what the “perfect” high school front yard looked like a little over a millennium ago before The Great Blight started in 2022. <--- By adding the year, it crosses over into the territory of reported information. It doesn't sound natural.
This looks good, except for your liberal use of adjectives. You should delete about half of them. I deleted "defined," then realized that the problem extends to the entire first page. While adjectives are sometimes necessary, too many of them stand out like a sore thumb.