188 words (best stopping point.) Harsh is fine, I'm incredibly thick-skinned. I suspect this will be a dead loss in any case and I'm okay with that :-)
I've mostly critted queries but will try and get some more crits in on this forum too. I've seen a couple of them before on AW though, so don't want to double-crit!
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Right, this is how it works: when Remy goes to sleep in her world, I wake up in mine.
Maybe you’ve met Remy, maybe you know her. If not, you know someone like her. She’s a dime a dozen, just another white-bread, corn-fed, picket-fence pathetico. Well. Maybe brown bread, if we’re being accurate.
Whatever. The most important thing about Remy is that she thrives on exhaustion. She clings to her conscious world like a… fuck, I hate metaphors; see bread example above. She's always been that way; wide-awake baby and hyper little kid, while those parents of hers buzzed in the background like flies over beer cans.
Adult-Remy isn't much better with sleep, probably because she's riddled with anxiety and addicted to pills. I don’t mean physically addicted, but she has this idea that she’s the kind of person who takes pills and Remy’s always been real fucking attached to ideas of herself.
Meanwhile, as she fritters through school, college, dropping out, college again, car-crashing through a string of shit jobs and worse boyfriends—I've been busy saving my world, in what little of the night she gives me.
"Where shall the word be found, where will the word Resound? Not here, there is not enough silence."
Not by any means a dead loss Nycteris. The voice is fabulous, and that’s the one thing you can’t buy or teach. Will try to do some line detail when I’m not on my blummin’ phone. Don’t be down on this story, it’s got legs. I would definitlely read on!
188 words (best stopping point.) Harsh is fine, I'm incredibly thick-skinned. I suspect this will be a dead loss in any case and I'm okay with that :-)
I've mostly critted queries but will try and get some more crits in on this forum too. I've seen a couple of them before on AW though, so don't want to double-crit!
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Right, this is how it works: when Remy goes to sleep in her world, I wake up in mine. Outstanding first line. Wouldn't change a thing.
If you haven't Maybe you’ve met Remy, maybe you know her. If not, you know someone like her. She’s a dime a dozen, just another white-bread, corn-fed, picket-fence pathetico (without losing the voice, I'd try harder to find a word that isn't slang) Well...mMaybe brown bread, if we’re being accurate.
Whatever. The most important thing about Remy is that she thrives on exhaustion. She clings to her conscious world like a… fuck, (from someone who's got a potty mouth, trust me I don't mind swearing, but I wonder about the need for this one - and actually, I think MC (whose name we don't know) is pretty splendid at metaphors so I aint buying this next line either. Suggest you nix the fuck and think of something smarter) I hate metaphors; see bread example above. She's always been that way, right from the first second we were born simultaneously; wide-awake baby and hyper little kid, while those parents of hers buzzed in the background like flies over beer cans. (Told you she was good at metaphors. But I guess what we probably need to understand though, is how MC would know this - because if she's asleep while Remy's awake she surely wouldn't know a) that any parents are buzzing around at Remy's end or b) anything at all that's going in Remy's world unless of course she can see it all in her dreams in which case can we learn that here do ya think?)
Adult-Remy isn't much better with sleep (we already know this from your first line in the para above), probably because she's riddled with anxiety and addicted to pills. I don’t mean physically addicted, but she has this idea that she’s the kind of person who takes pills and Remy’s always been real fucking attached to ideas of herself (I'd rephrase this para, doesn't quite work although it's clear what you're shooting for. Remy is all about Remy, right? Be clearer if you can)
Meanwhile, as she fritters through school, college, dropping out, college again, car-crashing through a string of shit jobs and worse boyfriends—I've been busy saving my world, in what little of the night she gives me. I can see why you wanna end here - it's a perfect finish. So maybe flesh out how the connection works in the words you've got remaining so you can still finish here, which by the way is a fabulous, fabulous line.
The voice in here is very special, please persevere with this project - it could be INCREDIBLE. Slightly concerned you've stopped so short at 188 words when you've got a full 250 to impress and I think there's lots of detail you could give us slotted before the end line which is an absolute beauty.
What does Remy look like, and how does she compare to the MC. (eg No wonder she carries such a full set of eye luggage, all those pills and so little sleep, but then I ain't no .... myself. What's the MC called - think of a smart way to share this with us. How does the connection work, why does the connection work, talk to us more about what they have in common or how different they are in other ways not just in sleep.
Also, if this concept is not original (I haven't seen it before but I"m guessing it exists), think of a way to make your premise completely unique and make sure we understand how it's unique in these first 250.
Otherwise, line edits above. Good luck with this Nycteris, honestly I loved it and would be thrilled to see it do well. Best, Jim
Ro watches Remy's life, when Remy is awake; I'll definitely clarify that. It needs to come across early. There's a little more explanation as it goes on.
The first "chapter" is only about 400 words. The second chapter is titled "Forgot to mention, my name is Ro" so it's sort of slipped in there (her name, I mean.)
Remy is mixed race and dark; not much is said about her appearance beyond that in early pages. Ro makes comparisons as the book goes through but they're general, never specific. It was important to me that neither of them are easily objectifiable. I guess that's less important to other people, though.
sorry, didn't mean to sound so down! Dead in the sense of, I know based on my query thread on these boards that I won't make the cut for QK, so it seems sort of pointless to get page feedback (and I almost feel bad for posting). But I'll polish up and cold query the regular way :-) so in that regard I much appreciate the feedback.
Good luck with your QK fight!
Last Edit: May 14, 2018 17:22:25 GMT -5 by Nycteris
"Where shall the word be found, where will the word Resound? Not here, there is not enough silence."
Ok here is some direct feedback, just my opinion and it is "first reaction" type of feedback so sorry to be so blunt!! I just don't know the story so I can't really give specific advice on how I would change the opening pages to best draw the reader into your story. This is just my immediate reaction, so feel free to ignore if it doesn't make sense to you:
I agree with the above reader I like the voice, it is very unique. However, I find these opening paragraphs very confusing.
I don't understand who Remy is and why I should care about her. I don't know who you are and why you are so interested in telling me about Remy, especially since you don't seem to like her. These opening pages don't read like spec fic until the last line. I also don't understand the last line - is she a vampire or something?
I'm also not a huge fan of profanity so early on in a book unless we really have a great reason for it (the last is my personal preference, but just a heads up it may turn some agents off so make sure it really serves your character).
Sorry to be so direct, but it really is just the first impression I got from this, so there you go Hope the feedback helps!