As the barrel of a gun pressed against her head, Arsh realized that she should never have gotten involved.
“Drop your weapon or I shoot!” Across the office, Tom’s gun wavered slightly at the sight of Arsh. No, Arsh thought. Shoot them. Come on. Do it. As if he could hear her, Tom steadied his hands and took aim. Maybe he could. His Wielding was of that type, but probably too weak to pick up on her message.
“I said I’ll shoot!” It was funny. All she could think about was the potential damage to her eardrum from the shouting. To his credit, Tom attempted to shoot, but his bullet went wide.
Arsh heard the click of the trigger and felt the foam nerf bullet ping against her head. She flinched back, even though there was really nowhere to go. “That stung! Think about what you’re doing.”
“Sorry.” Cameron released her and pushed her away, not sounding sorry at all.
Arsh made a show of brushing down her shirt as she walked away from Tom and Cameron’s nerf duel. How they got any work done here, she didn’t know. She sank into her chair and clicked into a spreadsheet, her eyes scanning for information as she jotted down notes with her other hand. One disappeared a few blocks south of the 95th Red Line, other occured in Humboldt Park near Clemente High School. There was still no discernable pattern, and she was starting to feel like a crazy person for believing there was an overarching connection at all.
As the barrel of a gun pressed against her head, Arsh realized that she should never have gotten involved. (Great first line.)
“Drop your weapon or I shoot!” Across the office, Tom’s gun wavered slightly at the sight of Arsh. No, Arsh thought. Shoot them (Who's them? Usually you can lead a reader on without providing too much information, but I feel like it's crossing the line here. Your first sentence implies she's the target, but now you're trying to introduce a bunch of people at once, beyond Tom and Arsh). Come on. Do it. As if he could hear her, Tom steadied his hands and took aim. (Why does he need to take aim? The first sentence says he's pressing the gun against her head.) Maybe he could. His Wielding was of that type, but probably too weak to pick up on her message.
“I said I’ll shoot!” I'd add a dialogue tag here. It was funny. All she could think about was the potential damage to her eardrum from the shouting (Shouting, or shooting?). To his credit, Tom attempted to shoot, but his bullet went wide. (See above comment about the barrel being pressed to her head. Seems impossible for him to miss.)
Arsh heard the click of the trigger and felt the foam nerf bullet ping against her head. She flinched back, even though there was really nowhere to go. “That stung! Think about what you’re doing.” (I feel very conflicted about this. On one hand, you managed to grab my attention with the beginning. But on the other hand, I feel cheated. It feels pretty anticlimactic that this turned out to be a nerf gun. I want you to get a second opinion on this, and you should absolutely be open to the possibility that the beginning is too anticlimactic and might elicit an eye roll from an agent. But if I'm alone in feeling this, feel free to keep on keeping on.)
“Sorry.” Cameron released her and pushed her away, not sounding sorry at all.
Arsh made a show of brushing down her shirt as she walked away from Tom and Cameron’s nerf duel. How they got any work done here, she didn’t know. She sank into her chair and clicked into a spreadsheet, her eyes scanning for information as she jotted down notes with her other hand. One disappeared a few blocks south of the 95th Red Line, other occured in Humboldt Park near Clemente High School. There was still no discernable pattern, and she was starting to feel like a crazy person for believing there was an overarching connection at all. Can you provide a brief line telling us what she's looking for, just for context? I applaud your emphasis on showing over telling, but it's a little too heavily skewed in one direction. We need at least minimal telling in order to get grounded in what the protagonist is trying to achieve.
Thank you for the feedback! I meant it to be not surprising that it wasn't real, but your comments made me realize it might not be. I've updated slightly to reflect that.
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As the barrel of a gun pressed against her head, Arsh realized that she should never have gotten involved. Office politics were crazy.
“Drop your weapon or I shoot her!” Across the office, Tom’s gun wavered slightly. No, Arsh thought. Shoot them. It doesn’t matter. As if he could hear her, Tom steadied himself and took aim at her captor. Maybe he could. His Wielding was of that type, but probably too weak to pick up a message.
“I said I’ll shoot!” Cameron shouted in her ear. Given that they had taken her hostage, she was tempted to elbow them, but worried that they might get overly sensitive about it afterwards. Tom attempted to shoot, but his bullet went wide.
Arsh heard the click of the trigger and felt the foam nerf bullet ping against her head. She flinched back, even though there was nowhere to go. “That stung! Think about what you’re doing.”
“Sorry.” Cameron released her and pushed her away, not sounding sorry.
Arsh made a show of brushing herself down as she walked away from the nerf duel. How they got any work done, she didn’t know. She sank into her chair and clicked into the updated spreadsheet of reported disappearances, her eyes scanning for any evidence of a pattern as she jotted down notes. One disappeared a few blocks south of 95th red line, other in Humboldt Park near Clemente HS. There was still no discernable connection, and she was starting to feel like a crazy person for believing there was one.
Thank you for the feedback! I meant it to be not surprising that it wasn't real, but your comments made me realize it might not be. I've updated slightly to reflect that.
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As the barrel of a gun pressed against her head, Arsh realized that she should never have gotten involved. Office politics were crazy. (To remove the filter word "realised", which agents might pick up on in an opening, you could go a couple of ways - The barrel of the gun pressed against Arsh's head. She should never have involved herself in crazy office politics, Or, As the barrel of a gun pressed against her head, Arsh regretted involving herself in crazy office politics.)
“Drop your weapon or I shoot her!” Across the office, Tom’s gun wavered slightly. No,Shoot him, Arsh thought. It doesn’t matter. As if he could hear her, Tom steadied himself and took aim at her captor. Maybe he could hear her. (The trouble with using just "maybe he could" in your original version is that this line could relate to Tom being able to shoot, or, Tom being able to hear her. I've offered an alternative but maybe revisit this line to make it clear exactly what Tom maybe could do). His Wielding was of that type, but probably too weak to pick up a message.(Be careful of too many was's - often a sign of passive voice. So, instead, this could be, "He had the right type of Wielding although the distance between them likely weakened her message". Just depends what you mean by him being too weak - could be a sign that his Wielding isn't that strong, or the distance between them, or she didn't really try to make herself heard, or something else - either way, try to remove was's, were's, that's, it's etc where you can - they all get in the way of slick writing. Not saying never use them obvs, just saying use them with care as often they're unnecessary) “I said I’ll shoot!” Cameron shouted. His voice buzzed menacingly in her ear. (Just a poor example, but good to give us an indication of how his voice sounds and therefore an insight into character rather than plain action). Given that they had taken her hostage, she was Arsh fought to restrain herself. Elbowing Cameron in the jaw would end the stand-off instantly but tempted to elbow them, but worried that they he might get overly sensitive about it afterwards. Tom's attempted to shoot, but his bullet went fizzed/blasted/fired/whistled etc wide. (Couple of suggestions here to strengthen this passage and remove some of the was's and that's ie "Given that they had taken her hostage, she was tempted to elbow them, but worried that they might"
Arsh heard the click of the trigger (heard is another "filter" word. If you don't know what I mean, would be worth researching these. It's when you're putting the narrator between the reader and character. Just "The trigger clicked" is fine) and felt ("felt" is another one) the foam nerf bullet ping against her head. (So this could now change to "The trigger clicked and the foam bullet pinged against her head (Nerf is a trademark). She flinched back, (or reared back) even though there was with nowhere to go. (So if she's got nowhere to go, what was the consequence? Did she get too close to Cameron, did she bump into him - if it doesn't mean anything really, nix it) “Ouch! That stung! Why don't you think first, about what you’re doing before blasting me in the face.” (Not trying to put words into Arsh's mouth but you could do more with this line - add to her character, show us what she's really feeling, give us an insight into what she thinks about Cameron or about him nerfing her in the eyeball!)
“Sorry.” Cameron released her and pushed her away, not sounding sorry. ("not sounding sorry" could be so much stronger. How does he sound exactly? What expression? What body language? Give us an insight into why he's not sounding sorry. Does he dislike Arsh? Does he fancy her? Is he sorry he had to let go? Bring us closer to the characters. Also, he pushed her away - what does Arsh think to this? What would you think about this? I'd be pretty pissed - I'd react, especially if I was the sort of person capable of elbowing someone to escape, with powerful Wielding skills)
Arsh made a show of brushing (brushed) herself down as she walked away (yeah I'd like to see a stronger reaction from Arsh - even if it's good natured, just walking away sounds a bit meh) from the nerf duel. How they got any work done, she didn’t know. (Nor do I cos they haven't done any! Maybe, "Enough play/messing about/shenanigans. Time to do some work before their boss went batshit, or whatever. She sank into her chair and clicked into on the updated spreadsheet of reported disappearances, her eyes scanning for any evidence of a pattern as she jotted down notes. One disappeared a few blocks south of 95th red line, another in Humboldt Park near Clemente HS. She jotted down the details. There was s Still no discernable connection, and she was starting (three was's in this sentence alone. Maybe, "Still no discernible connection. Her gut instinct told her to keep looking" Gets rid of all three was's and shows us she's determined, intuitive, persistent. Also, beware the use of "starting" - sometimes it's useful but more often is just a filler word and isn't necessary. In this instance I think your use is completely justified but actually by rewriting the sentence and showing us more of Arsh's character it disappears all by itself. Also, "feel" is another filter word.) to feel like a crazy person for believing there was one.
Hi aeri21, forgive me for throwing so much at you in this passage, and let me qualify it by saying I LOVE this scene. It's such a brilliant opening in the way it humorously gives us an insight into Arsh's working life even though they've got this crazy Wielding stuff going on. Because I liked it so much, it made me want to offer you WAY too many suggestions, all of which you should feel free to ignore, and I beg your forgiveness for so much blue ink! Honestly the passage makes for terrific reading already but I think there's a real opportunity to make it absolutely sing and it's so much fun I couldn't help but chuck everything at you. Beware filter words (heard, realise, thought, wondered, remembered, felt) - they distance us from the character, and also watch out for passive voice - 'ing verbs and too many was's are often a sign sentences could be stronger. Worth doing some research on these two issues as they crop up quite a lot in your opening. Sorry for rambling on, and once again, please ignore any or all of my suggestions - I only offered so many cos I liked the scene. Best, Jim
I think Jim is having too much fun critiquing everyone's pages, leaving nothing for the rest of us That being said, I really don't have anything to add to his notes that wouldn't be repetitive. I'd love to get a better sense of the Wielding power though, more clarification. I really liked your opening!
As the barrel of a gun pressed against her head, Arsh regretted getting involved in her crazy office politics.
“Drop your weapon or I shoot her!” Across the office, Tom’s gun wavered slightly. No, Arsh thought. Shoot him. It doesn’t matter. As if he could hear her, Tom steadied himself and took aim at her captor. Maybe he could hear her. He had the right type of Wielding for it, but he probably wasn’t strong enough to pick up messages.
“I said I’ll shoot!” Cameron shouted in her ear. His voice grated on her, but maybe that was just the situation in general. Arsh fought to restrain herself. Elbowing him in the stomach would end the standoff, but he might get overly sensitive about it afterwards. Tom’s bullet flew by, barely missing them.
The trigger clicked and a foam bullet pinged against her skull. She flinched back, colliding with Cameron. “That stung! Think before you blast people in the face.”
“Sorry.” Cameron released her, and she forcefully stepped on his toes as she walked away, pointedly ignoring his yelp of pain.
Arsh brushed herself down as she walked away from the duel. How those two got any work done, she didn’t know. She sank into her chair and clicked into the updated spreadsheet of reported disappearances, her eyes scanning for any evidence of a pattern. One disappeared a few blocks south of 95th red line, other in Humboldt Park near Clemente HS. She jotted down the notes, disappointed. Still no discernible connection.
This latest version works so much better. It has nearly as much tension, but the odd questions the reader has about her thoughts and behavior, given the ostensibly frightening circumstance of having a gun to her head, keep the reader from feeling cheated when it's revealed as a Nerf gun. (And I doubt using the name Nerf would be a problem; it's fair use and, honestly, free advertising. Would you worry about a character ordering a coke at a restaurant?)
A few little things embedded below, but it's a great opener!
As the barrel of a gun pressed against her head, Arsh regretted getting involved in her crazy office politics.
“Drop your weapon or I shoot her!” [suggest paragraph break here to establish that it's not the guy across the office who just said that] Across the office, Tom’s gun wavered slightly. No, Arsh thought. [This is unclear until later. I first thought the "No" was about the previous threat--that she didn't want to get shot. I think a lot of readers will see it that way. Only later did I realize the "No" was about his gun wavering. You don't gain anything by this line but possible confusion. Suggest cutting it.] Shoot him. It doesn’t matter. As if he could hear her, Tom steadied himself and took aim at her captor. Maybe he could hear her. He had the right type of Wielding for it, but he probably wasn’t strong enough to pick up messages.
“I said I’ll shoot!” Cameron shouted in her ear. His voice grated on her, but maybe that was just the situation in general. Arsh fought to restrain herself. Elbowing him in the stomach would end the standoff, but he might get overly sensitive about it afterwards. Tom’s bullet flew by, barely missing them.
The trigger clicked and a foam bullet pinged against her skull. She flinched back, colliding with Cameron. “That stung! Think before you blast people in the face.”
“Sorry.” Cameron released her, and she forcefully stepped on his toes as she walked away, pointedly ignoring his yelp of pain.
Arsh brushed herself down as she walked away from the duel. How those two got any work done, she didn’t know. She sank into her chair and clicked into the updated spreadsheet of reported disappearances, her eyes scanning for any evidence of a pattern. One disappeared a few blocks south of 95th red line, other in Humboldt Park near Clemente HS. She jotted down the notes, disappointed. Still no discernible connection.