THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy

aeri21
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THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 9, 2018 16:22:26 GMT -5

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Post by aeri21 on May 9, 2018 16:22:26 GMT -5

UPDATED VERSION IN LOWER COMMENT, THANKS EVERYONE!

Arsh hoards secrets. Even among other Wielders, her ability to walk into other people’s dreams doesn't approach normal. She has suppressed her Wielding for years, and is happy to focus instead on figuring out why other Wielders are disappearing, and finding them. When her boss introduces her to a group of people who believe figures from Camelot are repeatedly reincarnated throughout history, she decides to support her boss in his odd side project.

Unfortunately, just as her disappearance investigation becomes a lot more urgent, Arsh's Wielding comes back with a vengeance, dragging her sleep-kicking into a world of twisted Arthurian legend. Arsh can draw basic conclusions: the two are connected.

Her dream-glimpses into the past are teaching her that the story of Camelot was a tragedy from start to finish. It's evident that the only thing coming their way now is a high body count (typical colonizers). Arsh is determined to strike a new path this time around. She just needs to do it before this cycle reaches its predictable, bloody finish.

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION is a 90,000 word contemporary fantasy. It features an Indian American protagonist, is #OwnVoices, and passes the Bechdel Test.

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Any feedback is much appreciated! Thanks everyone!!

Last Edit: May 10, 2018 20:56:43 GMT -5 by aeri21

mmowriter
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THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 9, 2018 20:07:10 GMT -5

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Post by mmowriter on May 9, 2018 20:07:10 GMT -5

May 9, 2018 16:22:26 GMT -5 aeri21 said:

This query is on the short side, so I think you have room to build it up with more details.

Arsh hoards secrets. Even among other Wielders, her ability to walk into other people’s dreams doesn't approach normal. (why not? can you give an example?) She has suppressed her Wielding for years, and is happy to focus instead on figuring out why other Wielders are disappearing, and finding them.(How?) When her boss (is this a regular boss or a Wielding boss? What does she do for a living? I thought she had suppressed the Wielding) introduces her to a group of people who believe figures from Camelot are repeatedly reincarnated throughout history, she decides to support her boss in his odd side project.

Unfortunately, just as her disappearance investigation becomes a lot more urgent, Arsh's Wielding comes back with a vengeance, dragging her sleep-kicking into a world of twisted Arthurian legend. Arsh can draw basic conclusions: the two are connected. (why does she conclude this?)

Her dream-glimpses into the past are teaching her that the story of Camelot was a tragedy from start to finish. It's evident that the only thing coming their way now is a high body count (typical colonizers). (Whoa, I don't get this at all. Can you connect the dots more clearly?) Arsh is determined to strike a new path this time around. She just needs to do it before this cycle reaches its predictable, bloody finish.

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION is a 90,000 word contemporary fantasy. It features an Indian American protagonist, is #OwnVoices, and passes the Bechdel Test.

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Any feedback is much appreciated! Thanks everyone!!

spooky
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THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 10, 2018 2:58:26 GMT -5

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Post by spooky on May 10, 2018 2:58:26 GMT -5

May 9, 2018 16:22:26 GMT -5 aeri21 said:

It sounds like you have a great story, but the query is lacking specificity a bit. Hoarding secrets is a bit vague for an opening sentence in my opinion.
Just as a suggestion, I've reworked your query into a different outline. I'm making a few assumptions here (apologies if they're wrong), but I think those are the missing details. I'm guessing the disappearing wielders are related to the body count in Camelot (another assumption). Just a suggestion anyhow

You could keep the previous format as you long as you make it more specific.

Arsh is a Wielder, which means can dream her way into other worlds. Aware other Wielders are disappearing, she has suppressed her ability for years. (I'd suggest adding more about what she wants here). But when her boss introduces her to a group of people who believe figures from Camelot are repeatedly reincarnated throughout history, she decides not to. Her dreams of King Arthur's world show a high body count (I'd suggest mentioning how they die and explaining the colonizing bit).

She has the power to change history and save people's lives, if only she can do it within X amount of time. Or else... (I'd suggest adding the choice she needs to make here).

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION is a 90,000 word contemporary fantasy. It features an Indian American protagonist, is #OwnVoices, and passes the Bechdel Test.

Last Edit: May 10, 2018 3:04:48 GMT -5 by spooky: something weird happened with the quoting feature

aeri21
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THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 10, 2018 9:47:45 GMT -5

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Post by aeri21 on May 10, 2018 9:47:45 GMT -5

Thank you for your feedback, wonderful people! I see now that a lot of things were unclear, hopefully resolved below

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Arsh keeps her unusual Wielding a secret from society by forcefully suppressing her ability to invade people's dreams. Instead, she works at a nonprofit specializing in Wielder Rights, and spends more time than she should trying to figure out why other Wielders are disappearing. When her boss introduces her to a group of people who believe figures from Camelot are repeatedly reincarnated throughout history, she decides to support him, hoping it will give her freedom in her own investigation.

That night, Arsh's Wielding slips out of her control for the first time in years, dragging her sleep-kicking into a world of twisted Arthurian legend. The past is full of treachery and tragedy, but Arsh isn't truly alarmed until she sees Wielders disappearing in Camelot all those years ago. Camelot's story ends with a high body count for the missing Wielders, and she knows their present-day situation is headed the same way.

While Arsh would rather not get too involved in this reincarnation business, she has to if she wants to solve the disappearances. Her boss expects her to accept her role among the modern Arthurian menagerie, but Arsh has never been particularly good at meeting expectations. People played their parts in Camelot, and look how well that turned out. Unfortunately for Arsh, defiance can't change history by itself. She is running out of time to find an alternative as this reincarnation cycle careens towards its predictable, bloody finish.

~~THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION is a 90,000 word contemporary fantasy. It features an Indian American protagonist, is #OwnVoices, and passes the Bechdel Test.~~

Last Edit: May 10, 2018 20:56:59 GMT -5 by aeri21

sylvia
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THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 10, 2018 12:58:25 GMT -5

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Post by sylvia on May 10, 2018 12:58:25 GMT -5

UPDATED VERSION BELOW, THANKS EVERYONE!

Arsh hoards secrets. Even among other Wielders, her ability to walk into other people’s dreams doesn't approach normal (maybe rephrase into a positive, e.g "stretches far beyond the normal boundaries". She has suppressed her Wielding (I'm wondering 'her Wielding' what? Training? Knowledge? Abilities? Superpowers?) for years, and is happy to focus (maybe: 'preoccupied with' instead of "and is happy to focus on instead" instead on figuring out why other Wielders are disappearing (maybe: 'solving the mystery of disappearing Wielders' instead of "figuring out why other Wielders are disappearing"), and finding (maybe rescuing?) them. When her boss introduces her to a group of people (maybe: team of scientists or controversial historians) who believe (maybe: shows convincing/irrefutable evidence that) figures from Camelot are repeatedly reincarnated throughout history, she decides to support her boss in his odd side project (his interest sounds a little whimsical for her to decide to want to support him. But I'm wondering now if her boss and those people are 'quacks').

Unfortunately, just as her disappearance investigation (maybe: leave out 'disappearance' or go ahead and turn it into a prepositional phrase "investigation into the disappearances becomes urgent [consider leaving out 'a lot of' b/c it feels redundant) becomes a lot more urgent (I'm interested in knowing which forces are making it urgent), Arsh's Wielding (Aha! It's an ability or power, cool!) comes back (maybe: returns?) with a vengeance, dragging her sleep-kicking into a world of twisted Arthurian legend (This is such a cool image, very original!). Arsh can draw basic (maybe: draws a conclusion) conclusions: the two (maybe: phenomena?) are connected. (maybe: inextricably intertwined [or something less polysyllabic, haha])

Her dream-glimpses into the past are teaching her that the story of Camelot was a tragedy from start to finish. It's evident that the only thing coming their way now is a high body count (typical colonizers). Arsh is determined to strike a new path this time around. (Add 'But' here?) She just (omit 'just') needs to do it (maybe: 'fast' to show that time is running out soon) before this cycle reaches its predictable, bloody finish.

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION is a 90,000(-)word contemporary fantasy. It features an Indian American (maybe use Native American to prevent confusion with people originating from India) protagonist, is #OwnVoices, and passes the Bechdel Test.

This sounds like such an intriguing story! I'd like to know more about what is at stake for Arsh that makes her feel the need to be so private and hoard secrets. I'm also interested in knowing what she does for a living and her (approximate) age.

sylvia
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Posts: 10

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 10, 2018 13:05:46 GMT -5

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Post by sylvia on May 10, 2018 13:05:46 GMT -5

Hi aeri21. I just realized you had already revised, thinking by 'updated version below' meant 'below the first line' in your top post. Looks like you've fleshed out a more substantial revision. I'll try to take another look at your current draft later tonight.

Last Edit: May 10, 2018 13:07:00 GMT -5 by sylvia

Nycteris
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Posts: 28

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 10, 2018 13:16:13 GMT -5

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Post by Nycteris on May 10, 2018 13:16:13 GMT -5

May 10, 2018 9:47:45 GMT -5 aeri21 said:

Thank you for your feedback, wonderful people! I see now that a lot of things were unclear, hopefully resolved below

---

Arsh forcefully suppresses ~~keeps~~ her unusual ability to invade other's dreams in order to keep her "Wielding" ability ~~Wielding~~ a secret from society ~~by forcefully suppressing her ability to invade people's dreams~~.

Imo, you need a line about why. For example, if you say "because it is dangerous" or "people with her ability are hunted" or w/e is appropriate, then you establish something about the world (how accepted or not accepted magic is) and also stakes (what happens if she fails). I think this is especially important to establish given her job; Wielders are obviously known and she could be one if she wanted, but she doesn't? For____ (reasons)____.

~~Instead,~~ she works at a nonprofit specializing in Wielder Rights, and spends more time than she should trying to figure out why other Wielders are disappearing. Why more than she should? That sounds totally reasonable to me! Disappearing is really scary! When her boss introduces her to a group of people who believe figures from Camelot are repeatedly reincarnated throughout history, she decides to support him, hoping it will give her freedom in her own investigation.

Much salt. I think as written, you could cut out paragraph 2 and just have - "One night, Arsh's Wielding slips out of her control for the first time in years...etc" If you explain why she is trying to suppress it in paragraph one, it leads on naturally to "she loses control" and gets dragged away. The thing she fears happening... has happened.

That night, Arsh's Wielding slips out of her control for the first time in years, dragging her sleep-kicking into a world of twisted Arthurian legend. The past is full of treachery and tragedy, but Arsh isn't truly alarmed until she sees Wielders disappearing in Camelot all those years ago. Camelot's story ends with a high body count for the missing Wielders, and she knows their present-day situation is headed the same way. Here could be a place, if you wished, to recycle the info above that they're trapped in a cycle reincarnated throughout history. I'm also not clear whether this is a one-night thing or happens across many days/nights.

While Arsh would rather not get too involved in this reincarnation business, she has to if she wants to solve the disappearances. Her boss expects her to accept her role among the modern Arthurian menagerie, but Arsh has never been particularly good at meeting expectations. People played their parts in Camelot, and look how well that turned out. Unfortunately for Arsh, defiance can't change history by itself. She is running out of time to find an alternative as this reincarnation cycle careens towards its predictable, bloody finish.

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION is a 90,000 word contemporary fantasy. It features an Indian American protagonist, is #OwnVoices, and passes the Bechdel Test.

This is a pretty unique concept and has a lot of potential to explore how people get caught or trapped in societal roles (as a subtle theme underlying the overall plot); I do'nt know i fyou do that or not but I'd certainly read to find out. nice job!

"Where shall the word be found, where will the word
Resound? Not here, there is not enough silence."

('ash wednesday' - t.s. eliot)

aeri21
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Posts: 14

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 10, 2018 20:59:04 GMT -5

Quote

Post by aeri21 on May 10, 2018 20:59:04 GMT -5

Thank you again! (Hopefully) improvements below

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Arsh forcefully suppresses her unusual ability to invade people's dreams in order to keep her Wielding a secret. If even other Wielders found out, the best-case scenario would be imprisonment in a secure government facility. Successfully hidden, she works at a nonprofit specializing in Wielder Rights, and spends most of her time trying to figure out why other Wielders are disappearing. When her boss asks her to join a secret organization that tracks figures from Camelot as they are repeatedly reincarnated throughout history, she skeptically agrees, hoping to get more freedom for her own investigation.

That night, Arsh's Wielding slips out of her control for the first time in years, dragging her sleep-kicking into a world of twisted Arthurian legend. The past is full of treachery and tragedy, but Arsh isn't truly alarmed until she sees Wielders disappearing in Camelot all those years ago. Each night, Arsh watches the body count of Camelot's missing Wielders climb higher, and each day, she knows their present-day situation is headed the same way.

While Arsh would rather not get too involved in this reincarnation business, she has to if she wants to solve the disappearances. Her boss expects her to accept her role among the modern Arthurian menagerie, but Arsh has never been particularly good at meeting expectations. People played their parts in Camelot, and look how well that turned out. Unfortunately for Arsh, defiance can't change history by itself. She is running out of time to find an alternative as this reincarnation cycle careens towards its predictable, bloody finish.

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION is a 90,000 word contemporary fantasy. It features an Indian American protagonist, is #OwnVoices, and passes the Bechdel Test.

sylvia
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Posts: 10

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 11, 2018 13:00:44 GMT -5

Quote

Post by sylvia on May 11, 2018 13:00:44 GMT -5

Thank you again! (Hopefully) improvements below

---

Arsh forcefully suppresses her unusual ability to invade people's dreams in order to keep her Wielding a secret. If even other Wielders found out, the best-case scenario would be imprisonment in a secure government facility (for treason/as a security threat?). Successfully hidden, she works (Instead of Successfully...work: Sequestered?) at a nonprofit specializing in Wielder Rights, and (she) spends most of her time trying to figure out why other Wielders are disappearing. When her boss asks her to join a secret organization that tracks figures from Camelot as they are repeatedly reincarnated throughout history, she skeptically agrees, hoping to get (gain/earn) more freedom for her own investigation.

That night, Arsh's Wielding slips out of her control for the first time in years, dragging her sleep-kicking into a world of twisted Arthurian legend. The past is full of treachery and tragedy, but Arsh isn't truly alarmed until she sees Wielders disappearing in Camelot all those years ago. Each night, Arsh watches the body count of Camelot's missing Wielders climb higher, and each day, she knows their present-day situation is headed the same way.

While Arsh would rather not get too involved in this reincarnation business, she has to if she wants to solve the disappearances. Her boss expects her to accept her role among the modern Arthurian menagerie, but Arsh has never been particularly good at meeting expectations. People played their parts in Camelot, (which in Arsh's opinion turned out horribly.) ~~and look how well that turned out~~. Unfortunately for Arsh, defiance can't change history by itself. She is running out of time to find an alternative as this reincarnation cycle careens towards its predictable, bloody finish. (I love how this sentence slides into a gory home plate!)
The details you've added really help the reader picture what's going on. Great improvements, aeri21!

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION is a 90,000 word contemporary fantasy. It features an Indian American protagonist, is #OwnVoices, and passes the Bechdel Test.

cesarm3
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THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 14, 2018 13:40:29 GMT -5

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Post by cesarm3 on May 14, 2018 13:40:29 GMT -5

Feedback embedded below:

Arsh forcefully suppresses her unusual ability to invade people's dreams in order to keep her Wielding a secret. If even other Wielders found out , the best-case scenario would be imprisonment in a secure government facility. [this creates problems for me here, because I have no idea why other Wielders would turn her in. At this point I'm assuming Wielders can do something in the dreams of others (like the 80s movie Dreamscape) that would make them dangerous, but this is too thin on details.]Successfully hidden, she works at a nonprofit specializing in Wielder Rights, and spends most of her time trying to figure out why other Wielders are disappearing. When her boss asks her to join a secret organization that tracks figures from Camelot as they are repeatedly reincarnated throughout history [does this have a connection to the Wielders?] , she skeptically agrees, hoping to get more freedom for her own investigation.

That night, Arsh's Wielding slips out of her control for the first time in years, dragging her sleep-kicking into a world of twisted Arthurian legend [Whose dream is she invading?]. The past is full of treachery and tragedy, but Arsh isn't truly alarmed until she sees Wielders disappearing in Camelot all those years ago [how does she know. Did they have to keep hidden there too?]. Each night, Arsh watches the body count of Camelot's missing Wielders climb higher [missing means no bodies to count], and each day, she knows their present-day situation is headed the same way. [This paragraph needs specifics to flesh it out. "Full of treachery and tragedy" could mean a million different things, so I don't really know what's happing in her dreams or her real world, except people are going missing.]

While Arsh would rather not [why?] get too involved in this reincarnation business, she has to if she wants to solve the disappearances. Her boss expects her to accept her role among the modern Arthurian menagerie, but Arsh has never been particularly good at meeting expectations. People played their parts in Camelot, and look how well that turned out. [You're assuming your audience knows what you mean here. I'm familiar with three different versions of King Arthur's story, but I have no idea what you want me to worry about? Is someone expecting her to be Guinevere? Is she falling in love with Lancelot?] Unfortunately for Arsh, defiance can't change history by itself. She is running out of time to find an alternative as this reincarnation cycle careens towards its predictable, bloody finish. [This paragraph also needs more specifics, particularly when it comes to what Arsh fears. I'm not sure what the "bloody finish" will be, nor how she thinks it will manifest in her world.]

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION is a 90,000 word contemporary fantasy. It features an Indian American protagonist, is #OwnVoices, and passes the Bechdel Test.

Lots of cool concepts here! Hope this was helpful. Good luck!

aeri21
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Posts: 14

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy May 14, 2018 20:02:53 GMT -5

Quote

Post by aeri21 on May 14, 2018 20:02:53 GMT -5

Thank you all, that was really helpful! My new draft is below. I tried to add more details and clarity, but I'm unsure if I have made it clunky instead.

--

Arsh forcefully suppresses her unique ability to enter people's dreams in order to keep her Wielding a secret. People fear "normal" Wielders who can heal bruises or light small fires, so her accidental invasions of privacy would likely lead to imprisonment for the public good. Unwilling to abandon her roots entirely, she works at a nonprofit specializing in Wielder Rights and tries to figure out why other Wielders are disappearing. When her boss asks her to join a secret organization that believes figures from Camelot are reincarnated throughout history, she skeptically agrees, hoping for more freedom for her own investigation.

That night, Arsh's Wielding slips out of her control for the first time in years, dragging her sleep-kicking into a world of twisted Arthurian legend. Trying to stay calm, she discovers Wielders disappearing in Camelot all those years ago. The similarities between past and present go well beyond coincidence, and as Camelot's missing Wielders start to turn up dead, she knows the present must be headed the same way.

While Arsh would rather not get too involved in this reincarnation business and risk revealing her secret to the world, she has to if she wants to stop the disappearances. Her boss wants to let history run its course rather than risk a worse outcome by altering it. He expects her to take her place in the modern Arthurian menagerie, but Arsh has never been good at meeting expectations. Unfortunately for her, defiance alone won't change this story. She is running out of time to find an alternative as this reincarnation cycle careens towards its predictable, deadly finish.

THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION is a 90,000 word contemporary fantasy. It features an Indian American protagonist, is #OwnVoices, and passes the Bechdel Test.

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THE ARTHURIAN RISING DIVISION - Contemporary Fantasy

Post by aeri21 on May 9, 2018 16:22:26 GMT -5

Post by mmowriter on May 9, 2018 20:07:10 GMT -5

Post by spooky on May 10, 2018 2:58:26 GMT -5

Post by aeri21 on May 10, 2018 9:47:45 GMT -5

Post by sylvia on May 10, 2018 12:58:25 GMT -5

Post by sylvia on May 10, 2018 13:05:46 GMT -5

Post by Nycteris on May 10, 2018 13:16:13 GMT -5

Post by aeri21 on May 10, 2018 20:59:04 GMT -5

Post by sylvia on May 11, 2018 13:00:44 GMT -5

Post by cesarm3 on May 14, 2018 13:40:29 GMT -5

Post by aeri21 on May 14, 2018 20:02:53 GMT -5

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