Thx for any support you can offer guys, much appreciated. Jim.
Help Taff. He is lost. Watch the hurters.
Tearing out the pages to burn them would have been smart, but Max couldn’t bring herself to do it. When she wrote down her promises they came to life and reminded her to atone for past failures with even tougher commitments. She slotted her favourite ballpoint pen in the loop of the journal she'd bought specially and slipped too many secrets under her side of the mattress, same place as always. Taff would never know. He didn’t make the bed or wash the sheets. ‘Mummy! Mummy!’ Sammy: six, noisy, and perfect. ‘In here, little man. Tidying some clothes away.’ Max harried to a cream chest of drawers in the corner of the room where she smoothed the tee-shirts already folded inside. Sammy didn’t know about her journal either. The chronicle of her existence. Never, ever shared. Her son barged into the bedroom, all bouncing blonde curls, eyelashes to die for−truthfully, she’d have died for any part of him. ‘When’s Daddy home?’ ‘Not long.’ Another white lie, for Sammy’s sake. ‘Come on. Let’s get your teeth cleaned. He might be here by the time we’re done.’ Her son didn’t need to understand. He’d be asleep soon. Sammy led the way to the bathroom. ‘Dino loves you, Mummy.' ‘Tell Dino I love him too.’ ‘You tell him. He likes it when you talk to him.’ Sammy held up his love-worn plush so Max could see him properly. Bought when Sammy was first born, when her promises were easier to keep.
Thx for any support you can offer guys, much appreciated. Jim.
Help Taff. He is lost. Watch the hurters.
Tearing out the pages to burn them would have been smart why? Maybe you want the audience to wonder this, but as it's unresolved by the end of the first 250, it remains a slightly confusing statement, but Max couldn’t bring herself to do it. When she wrote down her promises they came to life and reminded her to atone for past failures with even tougher commitments. She slotted her favourite ballpoint pen in the loop of the journal she'd bought specially and slipped too many secrets under her side of the mattress, same place as always I think there are too many things happening in one sentence (favorite pen, special journal, too many secrets, same place) - it's great you're able to fit so much in, but splitting it up might help, "She slotted her favorite ballpoint pen in the loop of the journal she'd bought specially. As always, she slipped her many secrets under her side of the mattress". Taff would never know. He didn’t make the bed or wash the sheets. ‘Mummy! Mummy!’ Sammy: six, noisy, and perfect. ‘In here, little man. Tidying some clothes away.’ Max harried do you mean "hurried"? to a cream chest of drawers in the corner of the room where she smoothed the tee-shirts already folded inside. Sammy didn’t know about her journal either. The chronicle of her existence. Never, ever shared. Her son barged into the bedroom, all bouncing blonde curls, eyelashes to die for−truthfully, she’d have died for any part of him. ‘When’s Daddy home?’ ‘Not long.’ Another white lie, for Sammy’s sake. ‘Come on. Let’s get your teeth cleaned. He might be here by the time we’re done.’ Her son didn’t need to understand. He’d be asleep soon. Sammy led the way to the bathroom. ‘Dino loves you, Mummy.' ‘Tell Dino I love him too.’ ‘You tell him. He likes it when you talk to him.’ Sammy held up his love-worn plush so Max could see him properly. Bought when Sammy was first born, when her promises were easier to keep. I'm enjoying the tense pacing a lot, but some of the fragments are difficult to follow. I think a 1 or 2 sentence fragments go a long way. I'm putting all the ones I noticed in red.
Thanks for sharing your story. Here is my "first reaction" feedback. Again, I have not read your query letter so feel free to ignore and apologies if I don't get it!
Here goes: I like the voice and I already like your MC, she seems like someone I would follow in a book I don't understand the first two lines, who is Taff? Does not seem to relate to the next few paragraphs, maybe you don't want it until later. I also got the sense that this story may not be starting at the right place because these lines don't seem to have a ton of plot-moving action.
And the line: "When she wrote down her promises they came to life and reminded her to atone for past failures with even tougher commitments" makes me think this is going to be an urban fantasy. Is that on purpose?
Thanks for sharing your story. Here is my "first reaction" feedback. Again, I have not read your query letter so feel free to ignore and apologies if I don't get it!
Here goes: I like the voice and I already like your MC, she seems like someone I would follow in a book I don't understand the first two lines, who is Taff? Does not seem to relate to the next few paragraphs, maybe you don't want it until later. I also got the sense that this story may not be starting at the right place because these lines don't seem to have a ton of plot-moving action.
And the line: "When she wrote down her promises they came to life and reminded her to atone for past failures with even tougher commitments" makes me think this is going to be an urban fantasy. Is that on purpose?
Hope this is helpful!
Tessap thanks everso for your feedback! Taff, her husband, is mentioned again in second para "She slotted her favourite pen in the loop of the journal she'd bought specially and slipped too many secrets under her side of the mattress, same place as always. Taff would never know. He didn’t make the bed or wash the sheets." In other words, he shares a bed with her.
Not urban fantasy - domestic noir. I'll think about whether I need to revisit these early lines based on your comments but I'm really grateful you took the time to have a look and will find time to return the favour tomorrow if I can. Best, Jim