All comments welcome guys - am off to go find three others to offer some support. Best, Jim
Dear Kombatants,
In PROMISE ME I MEAN IT, the taut female perspective of HAUSFRAU meets considered retribution from THE CHILDREN ACT and THE SILENT WIFE in an upmarket domestic noir complete at 76,000 words.
Each time Max breaks a promise, she punishes herself with a new, tougher oath, and carves a permanent score into her skin. She wrote her first vow the day her brother died...Never cry. Not when her father blamed and beat her, or when her mother turned away from the screams.
But no promise or punishment may prove big enough after her husband is arrested for grooming a schoolgirl, and Social Services falsely accuse Max of collusion, before snatching her six-year-old son into care. When the bank comes knocking for the money her husband’s borrowed to fund his secret life, Max is forced to work every spare hour nursing at the local hospital to prevent a fire-sale of the family home.
Her promises escalate until self-harm threatens to engulf her completely. She devises one last vow to prove herself worthy of winning back her little boy, an unthinkable oath she simply cannot break for fear of cutting too deeply: Punish the hurters, starting with the killer she's just treated in cubicle two.
All comments welcome guys - am off to go find three others to offer some support. Best, Jim
Dear Kombatants,
Your preference for book club fiction and passion for editorial involvement encouraged me to submit PROMISE ME I MEAN IT for your consideration. The taught female perspective of HAUSFRAU meets considered retribution from THE CHILDREN ACT and THE SILENT WIFE in an upmarket domestic noir complete at 76,000 words.
Since her violent childhood, English nurse Max has written down her promises to bring them to life. <--I think it's because she's a nurse, but for some reason when I read this, I thought 'them' meant a group of people, and so I felt very confused. Is there any way you could tweak this? She wrote her first oath the day her brother died−Never cry, especially not when her father blamed and beat her, or when her mother turned away from the screams. <--The end of this paragraph feels too open ended. I would suggest repackaging the information I crossed out below and adding it to the end of this paragraph.
Whenever Max fails to keep a vow, she punishes herself with a new, tougher oath. But when betrayal and poor judgment lead to the simultaneous losses of her husband, her son, her home, it seems no promise will be big enough to undo Max’s failures. Her promises escalate until she devises one last chance at redemption: Kill the hurters. <--You should be more specific about who these hurters are, and who betrayed Max. You don't have to name names, but we want to at least have a picture of who she's up against. We want to see how your revenge story is different from all the other revenge stories out there.
This sounds like a really interesting premise, but the query is much much too short. I don't have a good grasp on the story. You should have around 250 words without the first paragraph
Your preference for book club fiction and passion for editorial involvement encouraged me to submit PROMISE ME I MEAN IT for your consideration. The taught (Typos in a query are a big red flag.) female perspective of HAUSFRAU meets considered retribution from THE CHILDREN ACT and THE SILENT WIFE in an upmarket domestic noir complete at 76,000 words.
Since her violent childhood, English nurse Max (why do we need to know that she's English or a nurse at this point?) has written down her promises to bring them to life. She wrote her first oath the day her brother died−never cry, not even when her father blamed and beat her, or when her mother turned away from her screams. (Was she a child when this happened? This is a good introduction to the character, but we need more. I think moving the first sentence of the next paragraph up here would help, but give me more.)
Each time Max fails to keep a vow, she punishes herself with a new, tougher oath.
But when betrayal and poor judgment lead to the simultaneous losses of her husband, her son, her home, it seems no promise will be big enough to undo her failures. (Ok, I need to know how she managed to lose all of those things a once. And can a new promise really "undo" her failures? If so, then it sounds like the book is commercial with magical elements, not domestic noir. If not, then this word choice isn't right.) She seeks salvation in work but after saving the murderer in cubicle two (You've completely lost me here. Probably because you didn't explain how she lost her family. Who is this murderer? Why did Max save him? What's cubicle 2?), he dares her to grasp one final chance at redemption: kill the hurters...starting with him. (Who cares what the murderer wants? And what's a hurter?)
At the end, we need to see the stakes. It seems like Max wants redemption, but I don't understand how killing other people is going to bring that to her. Why does she have to kill them? What happens if she fails? Give me more detail so I'm desperate to read the book after I finish the query.
This isn't my genre, but I'll give a stab (pardon the pun).
First, I agree with Laura that this one is too short. I don't really know what her goals are and what's at stake if she doesn't achieve them. I suspect that you mean to make the pivotal conflict about getting her son back, but it's unclear. There is no one who would think killing the hurters would put you in a position to get your kid back, so that's seems a bit off (I work in social services and see the people who have their kids taken away). If she is on the slow descent into homicide/vigilantism, you might consider a genre swap as well. From your query it sounds like a thriller from the villains point of view, but take that with a grain of salt because I don't read that genre very often.
One thing your query is doing really well is communicating how much tension there will be in your book, so be sure to keep that in your next iteration. Good luck!
Thx Rena, have put a fully upated version in original post and altred the last line too. It’s def WF and you’d have made a great sensitivity readr as there’s lots of social services in there!
You have a good query. I just made a few comments to help strengthen it. I hope they help
Dear Kombatants,
In PROMISE ME I MEAN IT, the taut female perspective of HAUSFRAU meets considered retribution from THE CHILDREN ACT and THE SILENT WIFE in an upmarket domestic noir complete at 76,000 words.
I'd suggest putting all this at the end to give people a chance to read without pre-assumptions based on genre or title.
Since her violent childhood, Max has written down her promises to bring them to life. She wrote her first oath the day her brother died−Never cry., n Not even when her father blamed and beat her, or her mother turned away from the screams. Each time she Max breaks a vow, she punishes herself with a new, tougher oath, and carves a lasting reminder on her skin (does she tattoo the vow itself on her skin or simply cuts herself?).
But it seems no promise or punishment may will be big enough (suffice?) to resolve her problems (I think you could probably leave this out) after her husband is arrested for grooming a schoolgirl, and Social Services falsely accuse Max of collusion, before snatching her six-year-old son into care (this sentence is a bit long; I'd suggest splitting). When the bank comes knocking for the money her husband’s borrowed to fund his secret life, Max is forced to work every spare hour at the local hospital (what's her job there? nurse? doctor? clerk?) to prevent a fire-sale of the family home.
Her promises escalate until her self-harm threatens to engulf Max completely. She devises one last vow to prove to herself she’s worthy of winning back her little boy, an unthinkable oath she simply cannot break: Punish the hurters, starting with the killer she’s just treated in cubicle two. I think something is missing in this last paragraph. What's the choice she needs to make?
You have a good query. I just made a few comments to help strengthen it. I hope they help
Dear Kombatants,
In PROMISE ME I MEAN IT, the taut female perspective of HAUSFRAU meets considered retribution from THE CHILDREN ACT and THE SILENT WIFE in an upmarket domestic noir complete at 76,000 words.
I'd suggest putting all this at the end to give people a chance to read without pre-assumptions based on genre or title.
Since her violent childhood, Max has written down her promises to bring them to life. She wrote her first oath the day her brother died−Never cry., n Not even when her father blamed and beat her, or her mother turned away from the screams. Each time she Max breaks a vow, she punishes herself with a new, tougher oath, and carves a lasting reminder on her skin (does she tattoo the vow itself on her skin or simply cuts herself?).
But it seems no promise or punishment may will be big enough (suffice?) to resolve her problems (I think you could probably leave this out) after her husband is arrested for grooming a schoolgirl, and Social Services falsely accuse Max of collusion, before snatching her six-year-old son into care (this sentence is a bit long; I'd suggest splitting). When the bank comes knocking for the money her husband’s borrowed to fund his secret life, Max is forced to work every spare hour at the local hospital (what's her job there? nurse? doctor? clerk?) to prevent a fire-sale of the family home.
Her promises escalate until her self-harm threatens to engulf Max completely. She devises one last vow to prove to herself she’s worthy of winning back her little boy, an unthinkable oath she simply cannot break: Punish the hurters, starting with the killer she’s just treated in cubicle two. I think something is missing in this last paragraph. What's the choice she needs to make?
Thx evrso Spooky, all helpful suggestions, now incorporated. I understand Query Shark prefers genre and word count at the end but I think most agents prefer comps early? Hopefully, they’re ambivalent as long as they’re there somewhere!