Post by cimonew on May 8, 2018 22:28:48 GMT -5
I like the voice of this query. However, there's so much going on plot-wise, and for me, it's hard to understand what the central conflict is. After reading it a second time, I'm guessing it's the imminent arrival of evil beasts, but I can't be certain. Similarly, what is Krista's main goal? I recommend cutting down the amount of information. Also, I'd say be careful of too many lists, as they feel repetitive after while.
Edited to add: I'm sorry. I didn't mean "amount of information" as in the length of the query. It's just that every sentence seems pretty packed with plot details, and the main, most important details get lost in the subplots. I think it's also that there are lots of changes in direction of the plot. This may mean that your query extends too far into the book, as in really close to the end. In my opinion, you typically want to include either 3 or 5 turning points (including the inciting incident). Beyond that, it may start to feel like a synopsis. Instead, what looks nice is:
Here's how the world is before SOME STUFF (not too much backstory here). Then SOME STUFF happens (#1) and PROTAGONIST has DILEMMA. PROTAGONIST takes some action (#2). Yada yada yada. But then XYZ OBSTACLE stands in the way (#3).
PROTAGONIST gets past OBSTACLE and MAKES NEW DECISION (#4). But then ABC NEW OBSTACLE happens (#5). Now PROTAGONIST must SOLVE PROBLEM or else STAKES.
As you can see, turning point 1 is a pendulum swinging against the protagonist, turning point 2 is the protagonist responding and therefore pushing away the pendulum, and turning point 3 is the pendulum swinging back. I'm saying 3 or 5 turning points because I strongly suggest using an odd number. However, 4 could be ok, but ending on an upswing of the pendulum helps the DUN DUN DUN-ness of the stakes.
To me, 5 is perfect and beautiful and lovely and amazing. This is a generalization, and I would say that exceptions exist.
I hope I didn't just go buckwild by dropping too much info in this comment. If it's too much, I'm sorry.
Edited to add: I'm sorry. I didn't mean "amount of information" as in the length of the query. It's just that every sentence seems pretty packed with plot details, and the main, most important details get lost in the subplots. I think it's also that there are lots of changes in direction of the plot. This may mean that your query extends too far into the book, as in really close to the end. In my opinion, you typically want to include either 3 or 5 turning points (including the inciting incident). Beyond that, it may start to feel like a synopsis. Instead, what looks nice is:
Here's how the world is before SOME STUFF (not too much backstory here). Then SOME STUFF happens (#1) and PROTAGONIST has DILEMMA. PROTAGONIST takes some action (#2). Yada yada yada. But then XYZ OBSTACLE stands in the way (#3).
PROTAGONIST gets past OBSTACLE and MAKES NEW DECISION (#4). But then ABC NEW OBSTACLE happens (#5). Now PROTAGONIST must SOLVE PROBLEM or else STAKES.
As you can see, turning point 1 is a pendulum swinging against the protagonist, turning point 2 is the protagonist responding and therefore pushing away the pendulum, and turning point 3 is the pendulum swinging back. I'm saying 3 or 5 turning points because I strongly suggest using an odd number. However, 4 could be ok, but ending on an upswing of the pendulum helps the DUN DUN DUN-ness of the stakes.
To me, 5 is perfect and beautiful and lovely and amazing. This is a generalization, and I would say that exceptions exist.I hope I didn't just go buckwild by dropping too much info in this comment. If it's too much, I'm sorry.
