Hi guys! This is my first time posting here! I'm looking forward to your feedback!
While I do have a seperate query with THREE paragraphs and more details, one agency requires me to have the whole plot in ONE PARAGRAPH so that's what I'm trying to do here. Thank you!
Seventeen-year-old Korean-American Lillie needs to win the school’s art contest to earn a scholarship to her dream university. The theme is humanity, and Zevi, a boy who saved his cousin in a fire and has vivid scars to prove it, has a captivating story to tell that she wants to paint. The only problem is everyone’s expectations has made her so anxious she’s lost all inspiration. Despite her social anxiety, an unlikely friendship develops between her and Zevi, who attempts to coax her out from hiding behind her canvas. On finding out that her mother is pregnant, and her stepdad lost his job, Lillie’s desperation leads to a mental breakdown. She needs the art scholarship prize more than ever. If she can’t finish the painting in two days, she’ll lose all chance for her future.
ART GIRL is a young adult contemporary novel at 52,000 words. It will appeal to readers of STARFISH and SINCE YOU ASKED.
Love this premise! In the 2nd sentence, try to make the descriptions of the two items more parallel - by that I mean "prize" and "their work displayed" might better be described as:... receives a cash prize and an exhibit of their work in an art gallery.
3rd line: Instead of "Everyone in school" did you consider "Everyone at school" (which you may choose if you mean students AND faculty/staff.) Or, you could be a bit more specific if you want and say something like: All her classmates... or friends and teachers. Or even Everyone at (Name of School).
4th line: consider leaving out "all" before "inspiration" and changing "anything" to "at all" ...? Not sure if you'll agree that would work, but suggesting it for an option.
2nd paragraph - the introduction of Zevi (cool name) seems backward to me - consider: ...Zevi, a boy who saved his cousin in a fire and has a vivid scar to prove it..."
In your last line of comps, I think you forgot to cap all the words in the second title.
I like this whole setup and the ticking clock timeline you've put on the action. Hope this helps! Good luck!
The very first thing I notice about this query is how short it is. You get about 250 words for the plot portion of the query, and yours is 138 words. It's difficult to accurately capture a story even using all 250 words, when you go too short, the concern is that the story won't stand out. Agents need to see what makes your story unique in order to request to read more.
The story sounds interesting, but I need more. Give me three paragraphs: introduce me to Lillie first. Then lay out the conflict and tell me what's at state. It should be about three paragraphs. How does getting the prize help with Lillie's mental breakdown? What happens if she doesn't get it? She's already had a breakdown, so how would things get worse? Don't try to be mysterious. Give me a good dose of the events of the book to make me desperate to read. For bonus points, infuse some of Lillie's voice into the query. Use words she would use.
One minor thing - cap the words of your comp titles so they stand out. And if the story is own voices, be sure to say so.