Post by elisastryker on May 4, 2018 22:47:21 GMT -5
Seventeen-year-old Hiromi is determined to find a vaccine for the Konadai virus before more people turn into tentacle-tongued mutants. Although she’s merely a virology intern, she sets off with her friend Kenji, hoping that his fire magic abilities will keep them safe while she collects infected tissue samples in the ruins of their island city.
Soon they discover a mutual friend is bitten but shows no sign of infection. It’s the breakthrough Hiromi’s been searching for, unfortunately extracting the cure will cost their friend his life. Tensions flare between Hiromi and Kenji as they wrestle between betraying and sacrificing their life-long friend or surrendering a chance for a cure.
KONADAI is a young adult novel with the same genre blending as ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY, but with the apocalyptic focus of PARTIALS by Dan Wells. It is a standalone novel with series potential told in dual points of view and complete at 76,000.
Hi! Your query looks really good - in the first paragraph, it's not really clear what the inciting incident is. Is the virus new? What prompts her and Kenji to set off together? A little clarity around that would help a ton.
Hi! Your query looks really good - in the first paragraph, it's not really clear what the inciting incident is. Is the virus new? What prompts her and Kenji to set off together? A little clarity around that would help a ton.
Hey! The inciting incident is when she realizes they are low on infection samples. So she sets off with Kenji to gather more from the infected Konadai.
I may paste excerpts from your query, and I'll comment using [CDH - ]
[CDH - OMG! I looove ‘tentacle-tongued mutants'. That will definitely stick in the reader’s mind as they go refresh their coffee or whatever they walk away to do! I instantly know what the issue is, and you gave me their goals. 😊 The second sentence in the 1st paragraph tripped me up and didn’t read smoothly. Example of how it could be revised: Armed with knowledge as a virology intern, she lures her friend Kenji into going to their island city’s ruins with her, hoping his fire-magic will keep them safe while she collects infected tissue samples. ]
Soon they discover a mutual friend is bitten but shows no sign of infection. It’s the breakthrough Hiromi’s been searching for, unfortunately extracting the cure will cost their friend his life. Tensions flare between Hiromi and Kenji as they wrestle between betraying and sacrificing their life-long friend or surrendering a chance for a cure. [CDH - I tried to give example of how the data might flow a bit better and be punchier. Discovering their mutual friend is bitten but showing no signs of infection, Hiromi considers he’s immune and could be the miracle they need. Then, she realizes extracting the cure could cost their friend his life. Hiromi and Kenji struggle with the decision between possibly killing their friend to save thousands, or keeping their dear friend alive knowing they could be the next victims. ]
KONADAI is a young adult novel with the same genre blending as ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY, but with the apocalyptic focus of PARTIALS by Dan Wells. It is a standalone novel with series potential told in dual points of view and complete at 76,000. [CDH - I got a bit mind-confused with the above portion, so I tried to give an example of how to make it more understandable below: KONADAI is a young adult novel with similar genre blending of ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY by <author>, and includes the apocalyptic focus of PARTIALS by Dan Wells. ]
Post by elisastryker on May 7, 2018 17:59:26 GMT -5
UPDATE:
Seventeen-year-old Hiromi is determined to find a vaccine for the Konadai virus before more people turn into tentacle-tongued mutants. Armed with knowledge as a virology intern, she convinces her childhood friend Kenji into going to their island city’s ruins with her, hoping that his fire-magic abilities will keep them safe while she collects infected tissue samples.
Discovering their mutual friend is bitten but showing no signs of infection, Hiromi considers he’s immune and could be the miracle they need. Then, she realizes extracting the cure could cost their friend his life. Hiromi and Kenji struggle with the decision of sacrificing their friend to save thousands or surrendering a chance for a cure.
KONADAI is a young adult novel with similar genre blending of ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY by Charlie Jane Anders and includes the apocalyptic focus of PARTIALS by Dan Wells. It is a standalone novel with series potential told in dual points of view and complete at 76,000.
That flows well..but the only thing on my brain is 'tentacle-tongued mutants'. It's so visual and I looove it. Your revision gives the main characters, the main problem they face (virus), her goal (develop a cure), a conflict (cure could mean their friends life)..the only thing I'm wondering is if it would be better to include the other layers of struggle/conflict your characters face. It would show your story has layers of depth that will help carry your story. It's just a suggestion, though. Please follow your heart
I'd add just a little more setup to tell us what things are like before the incidents of the book. Maybe 1-2 sentences at the beginning. And I agree with Gabrielle that it would really help if you clearly state the inciting incident. Other than that, this is really good! You've got a fresh, unique concept and high, clearly defined stakes.
I'd add just a little more setup to tell us what things are like before the incidents of the book. Maybe 1-2 sentences at the beginning. And I agree with Gabrielle that it would really help if you clearly state the inciting incident. Other than that, this is really good! You've got a fresh, unique concept and high, clearly defined stakes.
Before all this, they were still trying to cure the virus. It was created 60 years ago when scientists attempted to create a 5th magic faction by mixing the magical DNA from humans with that of the wolf-hybrids. It went airborne, thousands of people died, survivors built a wall and started a new community. But with it being airborne, people were still getting sick.
Probably more than you needed to know but hey...lol