Post by Laura on May 5, 2018 7:51:15 GMT -5
This sounds like a cool concept, but the way the query is written, it's hard to tell. There is SO MUCH going on in your first sentence that you basically lost me right there. A forty-three word sentence just makes my eyes glaze over as I start hunting for the period. Introduce me to your main character first. Then show me the conflict and lay out the stakes. It's good to include world-building, but sprinkle it in. Don't start with so much of the world that the rest of the story gets lost.
You also want to very your sentence structure more. Every sentence in this query has at least two clauses held together with commas. That makes me think the entire book is written the same way, which makes me worry about the pacing.
I also note that you didn't include a category in here. 52,000 words is much too short for an adult historic fantasy. It's a bit short for YA (especially if you've got as much world-building in the book as the query - I worry that the characterization or plot might be short). It's fine for MG, but the query doesn't really read like MG.
You also want to very your sentence structure more. Every sentence in this query has at least two clauses held together with commas. That makes me think the entire book is written the same way, which makes me worry about the pacing.
I also note that you didn't include a category in here. 52,000 words is much too short for an adult historic fantasy. It's a bit short for YA (especially if you've got as much world-building in the book as the query - I worry that the characterization or plot might be short). It's fine for MG, but the query doesn't really read like MG.
