Post by ajvan on May 3, 2018 15:34:53 GMT -5
Twelve-year-old Joseph Kleinberg lives for baseball, but in the hysteria after a shooter appears at his little league practice, his Orthodox Jewish community bans the sport. Nice and clear! The opening paragraph often includes a hook that serves to propel the agent into the rest of the query. You might consider adding one. Quick example: "...lives for baseball, but not at the price of an AK-47 attack. In the hysteria..."
His synagogue cancels little league. His Hebrew Academy closes its field. Even his best friend is forbidden from tossing him a ball. Missing his outlet, Joseph returns to the field where the shooting took place, determined to play alone, but when he gets there, he is not alone.
Joseph recognizes the shooter’s son, and the other boy recognizes Joseph. And they begin to play a game of catch.
What follows is a life-changing week for Joseph, as his budding friendship with Ibreez Mousavi challenges his assumptions and opens his eyes to the wider community in which he lives. As Joseph learns more about Ibreez’s family’s circumstances, he becomes determined to help his new friend’s father, which puts him at odds with his rabbi, his school principal, and possibly his whole community.
I like how clear the stakes are. What you might consider is how to fill out Joseph's personality a little more. What are a few telling adjectives you might add? Or maybe characterize his actions in a way that reveals what kind of kid he is, in addition to loving baseball.
His synagogue cancels little league. His Hebrew Academy closes its field. Even his best friend is forbidden from tossing him a ball. Missing his outlet, Joseph returns to the field where the shooting took place, determined to play alone, but when he gets there, he is not alone.
Joseph recognizes the shooter’s son, and the other boy recognizes Joseph. And they begin to play a game of catch.
What follows is a life-changing week for Joseph, as his budding friendship with Ibreez Mousavi challenges his assumptions and opens his eyes to the wider community in which he lives. As Joseph learns more about Ibreez’s family’s circumstances, he becomes determined to help his new friend’s father, which puts him at odds with his rabbi, his school principal, and possibly his whole community.
I like how clear the stakes are. What you might consider is how to fill out Joseph's personality a little more. What are a few telling adjectives you might add? Or maybe characterize his actions in a way that reveals what kind of kid he is, in addition to loving baseball.
