Manservant Ig appears to live the perfect life in service to the magnate, but no one knows of the flesh magic that will kill him if he disobeys a single command. Nor of the throats he’s slit and the bodies he’s burned to silence the whispers of rebellion.
As an elemental, Ig can control the magma running through the underground city’s arteries. And enslaved through his flesh binding, he works as the iron grip to Magnate Elías’s rule. With every addition to Ig’s hit list, the more Ig fantasizes about melting his master’s bones—anything to cure the festering conscience he thought he lost. But as Ig learns the identities of those calling for reform—and worse, befriends them—only death awaits his new companions. For none can stand between him and his victims.
After riots erupt in the city streets, Ig must find a way to aid the friends he is tasked with hunting down. He’ll also have to defy the one man he is powerless against, or bloody his hands executing anyone courageous enough to stand against him.
Last Edit: May 11, 2018 12:59:42 GMT -5 by charmon
Nitpick mode! I'd consider changing "they" to "but no one knows" because I stumbled having to double back and check who "they" referred to (not ig). Ymmv on that one.
I'm not keen on somehow, it feels wishy washy. I'm not sure how you could replace it.
Ig being an elemental seems to come out of nowhere, it's sort of unexpected. There might not be a lot you can do about that, though. Queries being what they are.
But overall I think this is a pretty strong query. See what others say. It's intriguing with an interesting dilemma and superb setting; that's most of the query battle, I think.
"Where shall the word be found, where will the word Resound? Not here, there is not enough silence."
I think you have a strong query, it has a bit of a melodramatic flair about it that I think works well with the genre and creates a bit of intrigue about your voice as a writer. I definitely like the premise and the idea of the conflicted anti-hero type of character. My only concerns are centered around the idea of Ig being an elemental; (1) I agree w/ the other critique that it seems to come out of nowhere, maybe you hint at his powers or work in a line about having to hide his true nature or abilities.
My main concerns: if no one can stand in his way, how invested will we be in his path to redemption? If he is so powerful, how has he hid it from the populace all of this time, and if he hates the man in power, why not just use his abilities to lead a coup himself? You mention 'the one man he is powerless against' - how or why? Probably you address all of this in the novel with interesting and sufficiently difficult challenges and challengers, but I feel like the query needs to give a better sense of it. Otherwise, intriguing and well-written in my opinion. Good luck!
This query delivers on conflict and stakes. It is clear Ig continues to do his job even though he hates it because of the flesh magic. And he must find a way around the flesh magic to defy the magnate or hunt down those who started the rebellion. That’s what I get from it. I would expect a dark, grim story from this query. The story sounds intriguing and has me wondering what is flesh magic!
As for the query itself, maybe it just needs rearranging a little. I’d start with Ig is an elemental—he can control the magma running through the city’s arteries or reshape its walls of stone. And none can stand between him and his victims. Except his own conscience. . . and then go into how he’s the manservant and controlled by the magnate because of the flesh magic, which no one knows about, so they all just think he loves burning people and then so on . . . Maybe others have some thoughts!
To the city’s poorest, manservant Ig lives the perfect life in service to the magnate. But they don’t know of the flesh magic that will kill him if he disobeys a single one of his master’s commands. They don’t know of the throats he’s slit or the bodies he’s burned to silence the whispers of rebellion.
Ig is the iron to the magnate’s grip on the subterranean city of Augustin. Rumors abound about Magnate Elías’s failing mind, and with every addition to Ig’s hit list, the more Ig fantasizes about melting his master’s bones. Anything to cure the festering conscience he thought he lost. But as Ig learns the identities of those calling for reform—and worse, grows close with them—only death awaits his new companions. For Ig is an elemental—he can control the magma running through the city’s arteries or reshape its walls of stone. And none can stand between him and his victims.
After riots erupt in the city streets, Ig must find a way to aid the friends he is tasked with hunting down. And he’ll have to somehow defy the one man he is powerless against, or bloody his hands executing anyone courageous enough to stand against him.
Hi Charmon, a good strong query with clear stakes and conflict. I think the first line could be a little stronger only because "the city's poorest" are anonymous, we don't really care about them, so it's equally hard to care what they think about Ig. Thereafter, however, we're straight into the detail and I think you've done a stellar job. The only other line I frowned at was "Anything to cure the festering conscience he thought he lost." I can totally see what you're shooting for but it sounds a bit melodramatic, a little cliche, and can you actually "cure" a conscience so much as be tormented by it. Similarly, I'm not sure I believe he thinks he lost his conscience in the first place. Maybe his new friends reawaken his conscience or something similar? Either way, I'm nit-picking cos there's not much else to pick at. Good luck with this - I'm interested to read your first page! Best, Jim
To the city’s poorest, manservant Ig lives the perfect life in service to the magnate.(This sentence tripped me up. Why use "to the city's poorest"? Doesn't he appear that way to everyone? Manservant Ig appears to live the perfect life...) But they don’t know of the flesh magic that will kill him if he disobeys a single one of his master’s commands. They don’t know of the throats he’s slit or the bodies he’s burned to silence the whispers of rebellion.
Ig is the iron of? the magnate’s grip on the subterranean city of Augustin. Rumors abound about Magnate Elías’s failing mind, and with every addition to Ig’s hit list, the more Ig fantasizes about melting his master’s bones. Anything to cure the festering conscience he thought he lost. But as Ig learns the identities of those calling for reform—and worse, grows close with them—only death awaits his new companions. For Ig is an elemental—he can control the magma running through the city’s arteries or reshape its walls of stone. And none can stand between him and his victims.
After riots erupt in the city streets, Ig must find a way to aid the friends he is tasked with hunting down. (I think you give a clear picture of the plot and stakes, but I don't really have a reason to care for Ig yet. Maybe you need to expand on these new "friends" of his. Is there one particular one he feels closest too? Or showcase specific details of bad things his master has done. Something to give us a reason to root for Ig.) And he’ll have to somehow defy the one man he is powerless against(What's at stake for Ig in doing this?) , or bloody his hands executing anyone courageous enough to stand against him.
(Maybe say something more about the city itself here)To the city’s poorest, manservant Ig appears to live the perfect life in service to the magnate. But no one knows of the flesh magic that will kill him if he disobeys a single one of his master’s commands. No one knows of the throats he’s slit or the bodies he’s burned to silence the whispers of rebellion. Not sure if those suggestions work for you. "To the city's poorest" seems like a weak phrase to start with is all.
Ig is the iron to the magnate’s grip on the subterranean city of Augustin. Rumors abound about Magnate Elías’s failing mind, and with every addition to Ig’s hit list, the more Ig fantasizes about melting his master’s bones. Anything to cure the festering conscience he thought he lost. But as Ig learns the identities of those calling for reform—and worse, grows close with them—only death awaits his new companions. For Ig is an elemental—he can control the magma running through the city’s arteries or reshape its walls of stone. And none can stand between him and his victims. I agree with other critiques about this feeling a bit out of nowhere.
After riots erupt in the city streets, Ig must find a way to aid the friends he is tasked with hunting down. And he’ll have to somehow defy the one man he is powerless against, or bloody his hands executing anyone courageous enough to stand against him. I can't find much to pick at without knowing more, but I love the stakes presented here and the conflict Ig faces. It's the kind of story I would like to read.
The opening is good. I agree with others that elemental comes up all of a sudden, but what can you do. A good agent knows you're working in limited parameters. I would change "festering conscience" to something like, gnawing, lingering, stirring, stubborn, etc. Festering just has the wrong connotation. Also, the ending needs a little something:
____________________________________________________________ But as Ig learns the identities of those calling for reform—and worse, befriends them—only death awaits his new companions. For none can stand between him and his victims.
-> Like I'm not sure what's going on here. He makes friends with the magnate's enemies, and is tasked with killing them? Maybe: "But when Ig befriends his master's enemies, he fears that their impending doom may come from his own hands."
____________________________________________________________ After riots erupt in the city streets, Ig must find a way to aid the friends he is tasked with hunting down. He’ll also have to defy the one man he is powerless against, or bloody his hands executing anyone courageous enough to stand against him.
-> In terms of framing the choice™, this is a little redundant with the previous chapter and can maybe be combined. But if not, it could stand to at least be a bit less wordy: "When riots erupt in the streets, and the execution order is given, Ig must find a way to aid his friends, even if it means standing against the one man with power over his fate."