Former Green Beret and CIA Operator, Neal Maxx, must recover a weapon stolen by a group of Russian mercenaries. That weapon happens to be his daughter, Sarah. He has no idea how valuable she is.
Convinced that Sarah’s kidnapping is retribution for a lengthy career making enemies in East Bloc countries, Neal follows a lead to New Orleans and the body of a former contact. There, he uncovers information that proves the kidnapping has less to do with his past and more to do with Sarah’s future.
With a unique genetic sequence and a wiped memory, this covert group is determined to have Sarah do their dirty work…if they can keep her under control. She’s more powerful than they imagined, and she wants her freedom.
Neal needs to bring his daughter home before she becomes a killer.
He spent years fighting to rid the world of evil, but after Sarah is taken, Neal discovers he doesn’t need to go far to find it. Sometimes it drinks coffee and wears a government badge.
PROJECT XXIV is a thriller told from two perspectives: a teenage daughter struggling to remember her past and the father working to protect her future. It is complete at 84,000 words.
"Must" is often a red flag word in queries, because it often prompts questions without intending to.
Why does Neal need to recover the weapon? What impetus is put on him? Former implies that's no longer job so is he freelance?
"He has no idea how valuable she is" - generally queries are from the POV of one character (as you likely already know) and for me this breaks POV. That isn't always a problem but it can sometimes feel like the author is reaching in to speak over the POV character. "She wants her freedom" is also a Sarah pov line.
As a general comment I think you are startign in the wrong place, as there's a lot of back story. Just my 2p, do take with salt and feel free to ignore, but I think this would make a banging first line:
"Neal needs to bring his daughter home before she becomes a killer." It sums up your book and creates an interesting but understandable situation that we can unpack in the rest of the query.
--> Neal needs to do bring his daughter home etc --> --> His daughter has been kidnapped by Russian mercenaries --> --> Neal is convinced this has to do with his past --> --> Neal's past is X (cia, etc) --> --> But when Neal follows a lead to New Orleans, he discovers (you haven't specified yet how she is dangerous, but that would go here) --> More personalised stakes
Hope that helps some.
"Where shall the word be found, where will the word Resound? Not here, there is not enough silence."
Post by gallowspider on Apr 23, 2018 12:27:35 GMT -5
Former Green Beret and CIA Operator, Neal Maxx, must recover a weapon stolen by a group of Russian mercenaries. That weapon happens to be his daughter, Sarah.
-I love what you do with your opening paragraph. It grabs my attention right out of the gate by sending me an unexpected twist.
He has no idea how valuable she is.
This hints at an internal arc for Neal, but it doesn't come around full circle. The rest of this query is plot.
Convinced that Sarah’s kidnapping is retribution for a lengthy career making enemies in East Bloc countries, Neal follows a lead to New Orleans and the body of a former contact.
This lets me in on a little bit of Neal's backstory, but it isn't doing a lot of work for me besides that. What's the significance of the dead contact?
There, he uncovers information that proves the kidnapping has less to do with his past and more to do with Sarah’s future.
I got this from the opening paragraph. I'd rather get some details in here about why she's important. How come she is this special weapon? What does this have to do with Neal? I think we're missing a beat about Sarah's background and her relationship to Neal. Is she adopted? From some Eastern Bloc weapons program? Was she bitten by a radioactive spider that mutated her genetic code and gave her super powers?
In a nutshell, I feel like you're holding your cards too tight in this query unwilling to give up any info and it makes your story feel generic to me (which I really doubt it is from those opening couple sentences).
With a unique genetic sequence and a wiped memory, this covert group is determined to have Sarah do their dirty work…if they can keep her under control. She’s more powerful than they imagined, and she wants her freedom.
In what way is she powerful? Is she a master of thirty-two martial arts? Telepathy? A dead eye with a sniper rifle? Speaks twelve languages? Carrier of a plague that will wipe out major population centers. Give me something!!
Also, what dirty work do they want done?
Neal needs to bring his daughter home before she becomes a killer.
You could move this up to the end of paragraph two, maybe while discussing what Neal learned from the dead contact, and this shadow government's designs for his daughter.
He spent years fighting to rid the world of evil, but after Sarah is taken, Neal discovers he doesn’t need to go far to find it. Sometimes it drinks coffee and wears a government badge.
The second half of this is voice-y and I appreciate that, but it also seems like a point to tie your character arc up. IE: What's it like for Neal to know that the government he dedicated his life to serving kidnapped his daughter. Who is behind it, someone he knows? Is there a feeling of betrayal? Any indecision?
Typically, the "meat" of your query should be about 250 words. You're under 200. It's tough to adequately convey what a book is about in only 194 words. Also, it should be three paragraphs: the set up, the conflict, and the stakes. Be explicit with the stakes. Tell what Neal has to accomplish and what happens if he fails. Too often, when you try to be mysterious in a query, it comes across as vague.
Also, watch out for typos. The commas in the first sentence are unnecessary, and that's a red flag. It can make agents wonder if the book has been proofread.
The third paragraph seems to be from the POV of a group, not Neal. If this is multi-POV, then introduce us to the other POV character and show that part of the story through that person's eyes. I didn't realize this was dual POV with Sarah until the last sentence. Give us a paragraph showing her conflict, her stakes, what she's trying to do. QueryShark has some great examples of how to do a query with more than one main character.
I didn't realize this was dual POV with Sarah until the last sentence. Give us a paragraph showing her conflict, her stakes, what she's trying to do.This!!
Former Green Beret and CIA Operator, Neal Maxx, must recover a weapon stolen by a group of Russian mercenaries. That weapon happens to be his daughter, Sarah. He has no idea how valuable she is. ((If he doesn't know how valuable she is, does he even know she's a weapon? Is the book about him learning who/what she is, or does that come out fairly quickly? If it's quick in the book don't linger over it in the query.))
Convinced that Sarah’s kidnapping is retribution for a lengthy career making enemies in East Bloc countries, Neal follows a lead to New Orleans and the body of a former contact. There, he uncovers information that proves the kidnapping has less to do with his past and more to do with Sarah’s future.
With a unique genetic sequence and a wiped memory, this covert group ((Wait, what group? The East Bloc enemies?)) is determined to have Sarah do their dirty work…if they can keep her under control. She’s more powerful than they imagined, and she wants her freedom. ((Wanting her freedom is kind of a given. What else has Sarah got going on?))
Neal needs to bring his daughter home before she becomes a killer. ((This line is really strong, and would make a great first line. But, it does imply that he knows she's valuable, deadly, etc.))
He spent years fighting to rid the world of evil, but after Sarah is taken, Neal discovers he doesn’t need to go far to find it. Sometimes it drinks coffee and wears a government badge. ((This hints of bigger things, and I'd like to see more of them on the page. Is Neal's own government to blame? Or is those East Bloc enemies? What's going on here? And how does Neal feel about it?))
PROJECT XXIV is a thriller told from two perspectives: a teenage daughter struggling to remember her past ((You already set up Sarah's future as being more important than her past, so it feels weird to suddenly have her struggling with memory at this late stage.)) and the father working to protect her future. It is complete at 84,000 words.
I think some crucial information has been left out--who are the real antagonists? Who is Neal fighting? That might feel spoiler-y, but unless who they are is THE big reveal at the end of the book, we need to know it for the query.
Remember, it's not back cover copy going to a reader who doesn't want to be spoiled under any circumstances. It's going to an agent, who needs to know your book is different enough to be interesting.
Former Green Beret and CIA Operator, Neal Maxx, must recover a weapon stolen by a group of Russian mercenaries. That weapon happens to be his daughter, Sarah. He has no idea how valuable she is.
Just a suggestion, but maybe you could focus on her being his daughter before being a weapon. For me it'd make it more emotional and up the stakes.
Convinced that Sarah’s kidnapping is retribution for a lengthy career (how lengthy? 30years? 40? and how old is the daughter?) making enemies in East Bloc countries, Neal follows a lead to New Orleans and the body of a former contact. There, he uncovers information (can you give a bit more away?) that proves the kidnapping has less to do with his past and more to do with Sarah’s future (what do they intend to do with her?).
With a unique genetic sequence and a wiped memory, this covert group (are they a cloned and brainwashed army?) is determined to have Sarah do their dirty work…if they can keep her under control. She’s more powerful (how? telekinesis? knowledge? skills?) than they imagined, and she wants her freedom.
Neal needs to bring his daughter home before she becomes a killer.
He spent years fighting to rid the world of evil, but after Sarah is taken, Neal discovers he doesn’t need to go far to find it. Sometimes it drinks coffee and wears a government badge.
Not a fan of the last line. It should show building tension or a dramatic choice he must make. BUt it reads like a flat statement.
PROJECT XXIV is a thriller told from two perspectives: a teenage daughter struggling to remember her past and the father working to protect her future (I'd try to think of more thrilling words here, like fighting instead instead of working, maybe). It is complete at 84,000 words.