PROJECT XXIV Query

Former Green Beret and CIA Operator, Neal Maxx, must recover a weapon stolen by a group of Russian mercenaries. That weapon happens to be his daughter, Sarah.

-I love what you do with your opening paragraph. It grabs my attention right out of the gate by sending me an unexpected twist.

He has no idea how valuable she is.

This hints at an internal arc for Neal, but it doesn't come around full circle. The rest of this query is plot.

Convinced that Sarah’s kidnapping is retribution for a lengthy career making enemies in East Bloc countries, Neal follows a lead to New Orleans and the body of a former contact.

This lets me in on a little bit of Neal's backstory, but it isn't doing a lot of work for me besides that. What's the significance of the dead contact?

There, he uncovers information that proves the kidnapping has less to do with his past and more to do with Sarah’s future.

I got this from the opening paragraph. I'd rather get some details in here about why she's important. How come she is this special weapon? What does this have to do with Neal? I think we're missing a beat about Sarah's background and her relationship to Neal. Is she adopted? From some Eastern Bloc weapons program? Was she bitten by a radioactive spider that mutated her genetic code and gave her super powers?

In a nutshell, I feel like you're holding your cards too tight in this query unwilling to give up any info and it makes your story feel generic to me (which I really doubt it is from those opening couple sentences).

With a unique genetic sequence and a wiped memory, this covert group is determined to have Sarah do their dirty work…if they can keep her under control. She’s more powerful than they imagined, and she wants her freedom.

In what way is she powerful? Is she a master of thirty-two martial arts? Telepathy? A dead eye with a sniper rifle? Speaks twelve languages? Carrier of a plague that will wipe out major population centers. Give me something!!

Also, what dirty work do they want done?

Neal needs to bring his daughter home before she becomes a killer.

You could move this up to the end of paragraph two, maybe while discussing what Neal learned from the dead contact, and this shadow government's designs for his daughter.

He spent years fighting to rid the world of evil, but after Sarah is taken, Neal discovers he doesn’t need to go far to find it. Sometimes it drinks coffee and wears a government badge.

The second half of this is voice-y and I appreciate that, but it also seems like a point to tie your character arc up. IE: What's it like for Neal to know that the government he dedicated his life to serving kidnapped his daughter. Who is behind it, someone he knows? Is there a feeling of betrayal? Any indecision?