Post by hauntedjen on May 26, 2017 18:08:19 GMT -5
In 1893, Mr. Edwin Ames is attacked by a vampire and discovers he is incapable of having children with his new bride. Desperate for a child, he looks to his hobby garden with its Camperdown Elm, a mutant tree that must be grafted to another to survive. He wonders, could he graft his own family tree? He need look no further for test subjects than the family next door.
Lizzie Gates is a headstrong Victorian newlywed trapped in a loveless marriage. When an old suitor returns to Port Gamble, she indulges in an affair that results in a child. Between her cruel husband and the odd attentions of her neighbor Mr. Ames, Lizzie fears for her unborn child and must band together with her prim sister, her paramour, and a flamboyant spiritualist. The motley crew follows the advice of the Stanford Society, a secret monster hunting group, and attempt to destroy the vampire forever.
One hundred twenty years later, Mr. Ames mysteriously returns to Seattle society where he meets Lizzie’s descendant Emily Stevens, a young woman on the verge of starting her own family. Mr. Ames’s madness reignites and it is up to her to put him in the grave for good or risk becoming his newest experiment.
The Arborist is an adult speculative fiction complete at 105,000 words.
1st P, 1st S - Is he incapable of having children because he was attacked (the attack rendered him unable to father a child) or because he's become a vampire (who can't have kids because they're dead)? I'm assuming because he's been turned, but that's not clear. I suggest some rewording.
1st P, 2nd S - The word mutant really sticks out to me. Distractingly so. I'd drop it (but I love where the story is going).
2nd P, 1st S - 'headstrong' and 'trapped in a loveless marriage' feel like their in conflict. Now I'm wondering how that happened and not thinking about the main plot. I feel, for the query, you could just jump to her being pregnant.
2nd P, 2nd/3rd S - You're introducing a lot of characters. I've seen this pointed out by agents and editors as a common no-no because it makes it hard to keep track of what's happening. Maybe ditch 'prim sister, her paramour, and a flamboyant spiritualist' and just go straight to the Stanford Society.
3rd P, I'm good
Overall, I like the creepy experiment feel I'm guessing this book would have. The query needs a couple of tweeks.
Post by michelle4laughs on May 8, 2018 15:12:38 GMT -5
I'm having trouble following who is the MC of this story. The first paragraph made it seem like Ames is the MC. Then we have another contender in the 2nd paragraph and yet another in the 3rd. I would rewrite paragraph one and two from Lizzie's POV. Then paragraph three should come from Emily--It starts out feeling like Ames is the subject again.
For example of how to change the pov:
One hundred twenty years later, Mr. Ames mysteriously returns to Seattle society where he meets Lizzie’s descendant Emily Stevens, a young woman on the verge of starting her own family. Mr. Ames’s madness reignites and it is up to her to put him in the grave for good or risk becoming his newest experiment.
One hundred twenty years later, Lizzie's descendant, Emily Stevens, is on the verge of starting her own family when a Mr. Ames mysteriously appears on the Seattle society scene and shows way too much interest in her life. (Then go into the stakes and choice for Emily.)