I didn’t know how, but I knew that guy in the Hawaiian shirt was really an ogre.
I saw him through a gap in the plywood, standing at the end of the alley behind our craft booth, gnawing on a big, greasy turkey leg. He had hairy arms and a hook nose and one big eyebrow all the way across his forehead.
I sat completely still while my heart thudded. Ogres were the ones that ate children, right?
Except that nobody in the crowd seemed to notice him. Magic dust or something sparkled all around him, but everyone else walked by like he was just some random guy hanging out at the fair. I didn’t know what was scarier – the fact that I was looking at a real, live ogre or the fact that I was the onlyone seeing the freaking ogre. Had the meatball completely rolled off my spaghetti? I held my breath and squeezed my eyes shut ... then looked again.
The guy in the Hawaiian shirt was just a guy. No sparkles or anything.
I blew my breath out slowly. Get a grip, Cat. Rose warned you not to read those fairy tales right before bed, the other night. Right. Like I’d ever actually do schoolwork at a sleepover at my best friend’s house. I wasn’t allowed to read fairy tales or watch those kinds of movies – Mom said they’d give me Ideas – but what Mom didn’t know couldn’t hurt her.
Some words to avoid: was, were, that, saw, knew. Also, try avoiding words ending in "ly". I'd rewrite sentences with these to use stronger verbs/words.
I didn’t know how, but I knew that the guy in the Hawaiian shirt was really an ogre. If your character doesn't know how he knew, then the reader won't either.
I saw him through a gap in the plywood, standing at the end of the alley behind our craft booth, gnawing on a big, greasy turkey leg. (Yum!) He had hairy arms and a hook nose and one big eyebrow all the way across his forehead.
I sat completely still while my heart thudded. Ogres were the ones that ate children, right? Perhaps this sentence should come before the reaction regarding this thought.
Except that nobody in the crowd seemed to notice him. Magic dust (Why would the MC think it was magic dust? In her world, does magic dust give illusions monsters being really people?)or something sparkled all around him, but everyone else walked by like he was just some random guy hanging out at the fair. I didn’t know what was scarier – the fact that I was looking at a real, live ogre or the fact that I was the only one seeing the freaking ogre. This sentence is a bit telly. Had the meatball completely rolled off my spaghetti? Love this! I held my breath and squeezed my eyes shut ... then looked again.
The guy in the Hawaiian shirt was just a guy. No sparkles or anything.
I blew my breath out slowly. Get a grip, Cat. So Cat is a girl, right? Rose warned you not to read those fairy tales right before bed, the other night. Right. Like I’d ever actually do schoolwork at a sleepover at my best friend’s house.This doesn't transition well for me. No one mentioned she was supposed to be doing homework. And is Rose the friend? Was she trying to get her to do homework? Or is she naming her mom? I wasn’t allowed to read fairy tales or watch those kinds of movies – Mom said they’d give me Ideas Ideas? This sounds like her mom expects she'd get into trouble from reading a book. Most mom's worry kids will have bad dreams.– but what Mom didn’t know cwouldn’t hurt her.
Hope this was helpful! Best wishes for your writerly journey!
Last Edit: May 29, 2017 21:57:38 GMT -5 by pdpabst