Post by persephanys on May 24, 2017 19:51:25 GMT -5
This is rough and I’d appreciate any suggestions you have. Thanks.
All Luz wants is a few months of “Happily-Ever-After”, where she doesn’t screw up.
The trouble is she wasn’t qualified to pass eighth grade, let alone land a sweet boyfriend, defeat the big bad fairy godmother, and be crowned in the baddie’s place. Her only option is to fake it and ignore the ginormous gap between her competence and the problems, but spell-crafting theory is hard. Impossible tutors and magical bureaucracy trap her in the Underhill offices while wicked biker girls flirt with her dude. Worse yet--magic is vanishing and everyone expects her to fix it.
Jude’s crazy about Luz. He’d love to please her, as much as he’d like to live up to his family’s expectations and perform well in his part-time accounting job, but his troll-half, which appears anytime the sun’s out and the demands of the biker gang cause him to fail. It’s enough to make him wish he wasn’t a troll.
Then the bubble of magic that encompasses Milwaukee pops and Luz descends into the deep tunnels to deal with the dragon responsible. Jude accompanies her, but just when she needs the brute strength and the kick-butt regeneration of his troll-half, it’s gone with the magic. He’s totally human and together they must face off with the dragon.
In the Deep Down is a YA Fantasy complete at 73, 000 words.
Hi, Persephanys! This might be just your rough but I think it's a great start!
All Luz wants is a few months of “Happily-Ever-After”, where she doesn’t screw up.
This is a good opener. It’s intriguing and it makes me want to learn more. But I’d suggest changing 'happily ever after' since it really means forever/into eternity, not just period of a few months. Maybe try something like "All Luz wants is to go a few months without screwing up so maybe she could have a shot at happiness." Or “All Luz wants is a few months of happiness. She might have a shot at it too, if she could only stop being such a screw-up.”
The trouble is she wasn’t qualified to pass eighth grade, let alone hasn't landed a sweet boyfriend, or defeated the big bad fairy godmother, and be wasn't crowned in the baddie’s place. Not sure what this means. Who's baddie? Or is baddie a thing? Her only option is to fake it and ignore the ginormous gap between her competence and the problems, but spell-crafting theory is hard. She only has one option? This doesn’t create tension. Characters need to make choices in order to create tension; it’s what makes the reader want to continue reading. Also, I’m not sure you need this sentence. Maybe put spell-crafting theory is hard closer to the top so readers gets their bearings faster i.e. “The trouble is she wasn’t qualified to pass eighth grade (spell-crafting theory is hard), hasn’t landed…" Impossible tutors and magical bureaucracy trap her in the Underhill offices while wicked biker girls flirt with her dude. I thought she didn’t land that boyfriend? Also, maybe try starting that sentence with something like “On top everything else,…”? Worse yet--magic is vanishing and everyone expects her to fix it. Love this! But why Luz? Why not someone who’s a better student or a seasoned wizard/magician/witch?
Jude’s crazy about Luz. He’d love wants to please her, as much as he’d like wants to live up to his family’s expectations and perform well in his part-time accounting job, but his troll-half, which appears anytime the sun’s out and the demands of the biker gang cause him to fail. It’s enough to make him wish he wasn’t a troll.
Wait, what? The last sentence of the first paragraph tells us what’s at stake in the book and then you leave us hanging. Does Luz want to fix it? Can she? Who is Jude? And what does he have to do with Luz being expected to fix the vanishing magic? Maybe find a way to make a connection and show us how he fits into the picture so the transition isn’t so jarring. You’ve done a good job of starting to tell about his story and what choices he might have to make but don’t forget to include him in the ‘what’s at stake’ question.
Then the bubble of magic that encompasses Milwaukee pops and Luz descends into the deep tunnels to deal with the dragon responsible. Tunnels where? Underneath the city? Jude accompanies her, but just when she needs the brute strength and the kick-butt regeneration of his troll-half, it’s gone with the magic. He’s totally human and together they must face off with the dragon.
Love this! Maybe explain more about the bubble over the city and the dragon since this is the first we’re hearing of them. I almost want you to put this before you get to Jude… And for the last sentence maybe try something like “Together they must find a way to face the dragon without magic if there's any hope of bringing it back.”
In the Deep Down is a YA Fantasy complete at 73,000 words.
Great title! Make sure you make it all caps before submitting You’ve got a really good start here and I love to read this book! Excellent work!!!
One thing that struck me about your query is the voice. I instantly got a sense of the tone and voice, and if your pages match this, that's fantastic! It instantly sets your query apart as unique. There were a few words that jolted me a bit, and seemed almost too casual--words like "baddie" and "ginormous" had me thinking this would be a middle-grade novel, not YA (same with the reference to 8th grade).
I agree with all of @lisa_Heins_'s comments. There's a lot going on in this query, and I had a hard time following and getting a sense of the main conflict. It sounds like we have two main characters (Luz and Jude) who each have their own inner conflicts that then play into the main conflict. Instead of having a separate paragraph for each of them (where the transition is jarring), I'd suggest choosing one as your main character and introducing the other in light of the first. First instance--everyone is expecting Luz to fix magic, so she teams up with Jude, a half-troll who loves her.
Finally, you introduce so many elements that I don't really have a sense of place or of what's important. For instance, you mention biker girls and a biker gang, but those don't seem to play much into the main conflict, so you could just take those parts out of the query entirely.