The Forgotten - YA Speculative Thriller

Him megaertner,

P1, S1 - Being defensive and self-isolating feels in conflict with having no memory. When we see amnesiacs, in addition to not remembering things like their name, they usually don't remember their own character traits. Also, this sentence is really long and says a lot. I suggest trying to break it up and sharpen the message.

P1 - You introduce the four named characters, the guards, and that there are other teens all in one paragraph. That's too many characters. Since Aidan and Jane don't come up again, I'd drop them and focus on Ev and the Dr.

P2 - This paragraph cements that you're pushing the theme of trust (also seen in the 1st paragraph), but I feel there's more at stake. Waking up with no memory in a creepy hospital, alongside other same-aged people also with no memories, assumes mistrust. I want something more than that. I don't know what that might be, but 'trust' as a query theme feels like a let down with all the other cool elements you have.

P3 - Remove '(a television show set in the Marvel universe)'. The agent will know this. Change 'the Shatter Me series (by Tahereh Mafi)' to 'Tahereh Mafi's Shatter Me series'.

P5 - Remove 'The manuscript is available in full upon request.' Agents assume if you're querying the book is ready to be read.

Overall I like how the story sounds, but the tone of the query doesn't grab me.

Hope that helps

Thx.

Overall Comments the entry left me with:
It reads like your story definitely has depths of layer. You may want to flush that out a bit more so the reader understands all the wonderful onion-layers. But, it does read like you have a good story concept that could work itself out wonderfully in a full novel 

I may paste excerpts from your query and will comment using [CDH - ]

When Ev, a defensive and self-isolating young woman, wakes up in a Gothic hospital to discover her memory erased, she realizes her ability to survive may depend on her ability to trust, and trust wisely—but who? Certainly not the armed guards manning the periphery, or the host, a three-piece suit called Mr. Jenson, who says she and the other teens have been gathered to undergo a series of harmless tests. Possibly not even her fellow amnesiacs, which include Aidan, a combative young man who seems to recognize her, and Jane, a young woman who insists that the superhero comic books on the tables before them contain clues to their situation.

[CDH - If ‘trust’ for her is hard, let the reader know that is going to be a struggle for her. You introduce a whole bunch of characters at one time, and it may work better if you keep the Query to 2 main characters, or maybe 3, and maybe gloss-over the other characters in the book such as their personalities or something. Having read to the bottom, it seems you plan to have the teen misfits band together to survive, so you can choose to name them or just say a boy/guy and girl, etc. I think using 3 names would be okay and not too overwhelming.

Also, if she has no memory, she probably has no personality and probably wouldn’t need to be introduced as defensive or self-loathing. Maybe she determines her behavior traits as she goes along. Below is an example of an alternate first paragraph glossing over the characters:
Ev wakes up in a Gothic hospital with no memories. She soon realizes her ability to survive may depend on her ability to trust, but there are no good candidates. Armed guards man the compound, and a three-piece suit claims all the teens were admitted to undergo a series of harmless tests. Even her fellow amnesiacs may not be helpful—Aidan, a combative young man seems to recognize her but <insert his failings>, and Jane insists the superhero comic books on the tables contain clues to their situation.
]

When the brutal psychological tests begin, Ev finds her ability to trust sorely challenged as an injection that makes them face their worst nightmares gives her glimpses of a past filled with betrayal, while the hallucinations of the second test fuel her paranoia. If she can survive the threat of psychotic collapse in the first test or death in the second, the final test may just reward her with insight into the purpose of this facility and the mastermind behind it.

[CDH - I’d like a little more info regarding the betrayal if it’s really important enough to mention in the query and it may give enough data that you don’t need to explain the paranoia. I’d also like more info in what her stakes are and what her decision is in terms of her plans. I tried to give an example below:
The brutal psychological tests begin—an injection makes them face their worst nightmares and gives her glimpses of a past filled with betrayal, and the second test incites hallucinations that fuel her paranoia—making thoughts of trusting someone an even bigger struggle/challenge. She’s determined to survive the threat of psychotic collapse in the first test and possible death in the second to make it to the final test to gain an insight into the purpose of this facility and the mastermind behind it, so she can devise a plan to escape/burn it to the ground.
I suggest you advise the reader what her plans are - escape, copy hard drive and send to newspaper, get a gun and shoot everyone. I have a good understanding of her obstacles/conflicts and now need to know what her goal is.
]

THE FORGOTTEN is a gritty and fast-paced YA speculative thriller, complete at 63,563 words. It is the first in a possible series. Fans of Jessica Jones (a television show set in the Marvel universe) will love its strong, conflicted female lead and its focus on female friendship, while fans of Tahereh Mafi's SHATTER ME SERIES will appreciate the superhero twist and how an unlikely band of misfits must work together to survive.

[CDH - I made some optional changes above. Determine if it is a series, or just a possible series? Confirm what your plans are as this isn’t a question you want left unanswered. Consider capitalizing the names of books you’re comparing to yours.
Also, if your teen misfits do actually band together to survive, then I definitely suggest you add this data into your query.
And if your main character is conflicted and a strong leader of their pact, I'd say the reader would really love to know this, so consider adding it into the Query.
I'd also suggest you either mention its gritty and fast-paced or keep the comparison text and how it has strong, conflicted females.
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