Avarii’s dead eyes seemed to move as the welder’s light reflected off the optic glass of his pupils. They were eyes that would soon fill with life—glowing, crystal irises the color of aqua. Tonight was the night.
The welder hissed as I dipped it inside the dark recesses of the owl’s titanium chest cavity. My peripherals continued to play tricks on me, catching little movements in his face and neck. But that was impossible.
Was I weird for naming him so early? He was still a shell, but at some point, calling him ‘it’ sounded wrong. Last year’s trip to Vancouver came to mind, when my parents and I attended my grandpa’s funeral. Everyone there had called him Theo, even though the man in the casket wasn’t a man anymore. He was just a corpse. An idea. If I could still think of him as Grandpa Theo, then my bird could be Avarii too.
All-Terrain SUVs and spare parts for slot machines filled the resort’s cavernous garage, the cold air biting into my cheeks. Frederik’s voice barked through the speakers beside the laptop on my workbench. “What do you think it’s like in space?” His words came out clipped; he was probably distracted playing videogames. I would have been too, if the bird wasn’t almost finished.
“Dunno," I said. “I’ll find out soon. Lonely, probably.” After a deep exhale, I touched the welder to an inside joint, the light flaring like a roman candle as my breath condensed in the air, swirling around Avarii.
Last Edit: May 17, 2017 13:22:19 GMT -5 by charmon
Post by madsbertasio on May 15, 2017 13:55:57 GMT -5
Avarii’s dead eyes seemed to move as the welder’s light reflected off [the] optic glass and milk-hued titanium wings. Those eyes would soon fill with life—glowing, crystal irises the color of aqua. Tonight was the night.
The handheld welder hummed as I dipped it inside the dark recesses of the owl’s exposed chest cavity, the spark like a neutron star. [something about this feels awkward--not everyone will know what a neutron star looks like. perhaps work it to be something more like "chest cavity, and as the welder made contact, the sparks felt like a spark of life." obviously fit this to how you prefer to write!!] Was I weird for naming him so early? He was still a shell, but at some point, calling him ‘it’ sounded wrong.
[This feels disjointed as a start, even though the anecdote makes sense by the end. Perhaps lead it in with something to the effect of "Things that aren't alive could have names, I suppose." Speculation in first person is a great way to feel out the narrator's voice!]Last year, my parents and I had traveled to Vancouver for my grandpa’s funeral. Everyone there had called him Theo, even though the man in the casket wasn’t a man anymore. He had been ['was' just a corpse--unless he's come back to life since then, he's still a corpse] just a corpse. An idea [maybe a 'memory' instead of an 'idea'? It can go either way, but you may wanna try something more specific than 'idea.'] If I could still think of him as Grandpa Theo, then my bird could be Avarii too.
All-Terrain SUVs and spare parts for slot machines filled the [maybe name the resort as a nice little detail?] resort’s cavernous garage, the air frigid. Frederik’s accented baritone barked through the speakers beside the laptop on my workbench. “What do you think it’s like in space?” His words came out clipped; he was probably distracted by his own computer, doing dungeon runs on Vale. I would have been too, if the bird wasn’t so close to finished.
“Dunno," I said. “I’ll find out soon. Lonely, probably.” After a deep exhale, I touched the tip of the welder to an inside joint, the light flaring like a firecracker as my breath condensed and swirled around Avarii [in the cool air. --I didn't pick up that this was her breath showing in the cold on the first two read throughs.] The garage doors at the far end trembled with thunder.
Aside from my little notes that might make it clearer for a reader, this looks great! It's a neat concept, and I would definitely be curious as to where the story goes. My only other thought is maybe if the name "Avarii" has a meaning, that you add that in? It's a unique name, and if it has a neat meaning, it might give even more insight on the narrator GOOD LUCK!!!
Post by wschneider412 on May 16, 2017 15:58:26 GMT -5
Avarii’s dead eyes seemed to move as the welder’s light reflected off the optic glass of his pupils. They were eyes that would soon fill with life—glowing, crystal irises the color of aqua. Tonight was the night.
The handheld welder hummed as I dipped it inside the dark recesses of the owl’s titanium chest cavity. Was I weird for naming him so early? He was still a shell, but at some point, calling him ‘it’ sounded wrong.
Last year came to mind,[THE PHRASE BEFORE THIS SEEMS ODDLY WORDED, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU COULD FIND ANOTHER WAY TO SAY THAT - "MY MIND FLASHES TO LAST YEAR," OR "MY GRANDPA'S FUNERAL LAST YEAR JUMPS INTO MY MIND"] when my parents and I traveled to Vancouver for my grandpa’s funeral. Everyone there had [I'D TAKE OUT "HAD"] called him Theo, even though the man in the casket wasn’t a man anymore. He was just a corpse. An idea. If I could still think of him as Grandpa Theo, then my bird could be Avarii too.
All-Terrain SUVs and spare parts for slot machines filled the resort’s cavernous garage, the air frigid. Frederik’s accented baritone barked ["ACCENTED BARITONE BARKED" SEEMS LIKE TOO MUCH DESCRIPTION. A LITTLE OVER-WRITTEN] through the speakers beside the laptop on my workbench. “What do you think it’s like in space?” His words came out clipped; he was probably distracted by his own computer, doing dungeon runs on Vale. [THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME] I would have been too, if the bird wasn’t so close to finished.
“Dunno," I said. “I’ll find out soon. Lonely, probably.” After a deep exhale, I touched the tip of the welder to an inside joint, the light flaring like a firecracker as my breath condensed in the cold air, swirling around Avarii.
**This sounds really interesting, but I'm wondering if it's the right place to start off. In some of my previous manuscripts, I've found that digging a bit deeper into the book and starting at a later scene can help to really add tension to the scene and start not just in the middle of the action, but in the middle of "significant" action, because I'm not feeling much tension, and "ooh, what's going to happen?" after reading this. I'm left intrigued, but more than that, confused. Maybe this would make more sense after reading your query and getting more of an idea of the setting/conflict, etc. Also, speculative scifi isn't something that I read, so a lot of this feedback might be a difference in tastes and styles. Definitely sounds like an interesting idea, though! Good luck!