Post by spooky on May 9, 2018 2:27:02 GMT -5
Here's the latest version:
Dear Agent,
The day after Cecilia refused to out their relationship, her lover disappeared. Guilt-ridden and wallowing in grief and regret, she spent three months searching for Felicia, hoping to find her alive. But her body parts surfaced in gruesomely different ways across the city of Vancouver.
When Cecilia gives up looking for clues, she meets a man at a nightclub. He introduces himself as Moe and invites her to dance. When he alludes to the weight she’s lost recently, she tries to get away. When he grips her arm and tries to drag her, she knees him in the crotch and runs. A platinum blonde woman watches and slips Cecilia a note. She has evidence that Moe is an INTERPOL fugitive and that he kidnapped Felicia. Later that night, he somehow manages to text her links to videos. Filmed in Felicia’s apartment before her disappearance, they display intimate encounters between her and Cecilia. He threatens to post them to an adult website unless she agrees to meet him in a hotel room. The thought of her conservative parents watching them terrifies her. The police promise to investigate but take their time.
If she doesn’t go, she may miss her only chance to find the truth about Felicia’s disappearance and death—did Felicia put herself at harm’s way, distraught over her perceived rejection?
But if Cecilia does go, she may lose her freedom, possibly her life, and—more importantly—her chance to get revenge.
REMAINS is an 85,000-word adult mystery thriller. It features diverse characters, including a protagonist struggling with her bisexual identity.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
This is the tenth version of my query. I'm really struggling with it, so I'd appreciate any all feedback.
Dear Agent,
Cecilia deposits carnations by the chain link fence near the train tracks where some scumbag dumped Felicia’s torso. Her beautiful yet brutalized torso, left for the gulls to scavenge and the bugs to infest. A ceremonial offering, the flowers are her latest attempt to move on. She’s tried. Really, she has. Yet, she can’t stop re-reading the news articles about Felicia’s disappearance and her body parts scattered through the city of Vancouver. And she can’t stop rehashing the details of the night when she walked out on Felicia after refusing to out their relationship. The night before her disappearance, four and a half months ago. The night Cecilia wishes she could take back.
The next day, three strangers walk into her life. A man pretends to be a private investigator hired by Felicia’s parents in Romania. He makes threats and inappropriate comments and reveals graphic information—Felicia’s eyes were gouged out while she was alive—fueling Cecilia’s revolt and her need for revenge. Another man introduces himself as Moe and invites her to dance at a nightclub. When he tries to kidnap her, she knees him in the crotch and runs. A platinum blonde woman watches and slips Cecilia a note. She has evidence that Moe is an INTERPOL fugitive and that he kidnapped Felicia. Although Cecilia never gave him her number, he texts her links to videos. Filmed in Felicia’s apartment before her disappearance, they display intimate encounters between her and Cecilia. He threatens to post them to an adult website unless she agrees to meet him in a hotel room.
If she doesn’t go, she may miss her only chance to find the truth about Felicia’s disappearance and death. But if she does, she may lose her freedom, possibly her life, and—more importantly—her chance to get revenge.
REMAINS is an 85,000-word adult mystery thriller. It features diverse characters, including a protagonist struggling with her bisexual identity.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
And here's version eleven. Shorter and simpler. But any better?
Dear Agent,
The day after Cecilia refused to out their relationship, her lover disappeared. Guilt-ridden and wallowing in grief and regret, she spent the next three months searching for Felicia, hoping to find her alive. But her body parts surfaced in gruesomely different ways across the city of Vancouver.
When Cecilia gives up looking for clues, she meets a man at a nightclub who introduces himself as Moe and invites her to dance. When he tries to kidnap her, she knees him in the crotch and runs. He somehow gets her number without her permission and texts her links to videos later that night. Filmed in Felicia’s apartment before her disappearance, they display intimate encounters between her and Cecilia. He threatens to post them to an adult website unless she agrees to meet him in a hotel room. If she doesn’t go, she may miss her only chance to find the truth about Felicia’s disappearance and death—did she put herself at harm’s way, distraught over her perceived rejection, or did Moe kidnap her?
But if Cecilia does go, she may lose her freedom, possibly her life, and—more importantly—her chance to get revenge.
REMAINS is an 85,000-word adult mystery thriller. It features diverse characters, including a protagonist struggling with her bisexual identity.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dear Agent,
The day after Cecilia refused to out their relationship, her lover disappeared. Guilt-ridden and wallowing in grief and regret, she spent three months searching for Felicia, hoping to find her alive. But her body parts surfaced in gruesomely different ways across the city of Vancouver.
When Cecilia gives up looking for clues, she meets a man at a nightclub. He introduces himself as Moe and invites her to dance. When he alludes to the weight she’s lost recently, she tries to get away. When he grips her arm and tries to drag her, she knees him in the crotch and runs. A platinum blonde woman watches and slips Cecilia a note. She has evidence that Moe is an INTERPOL fugitive and that he kidnapped Felicia. Later that night, he somehow manages to text her links to videos. Filmed in Felicia’s apartment before her disappearance, they display intimate encounters between her and Cecilia. He threatens to post them to an adult website unless she agrees to meet him in a hotel room. The thought of her conservative parents watching them terrifies her. The police promise to investigate but take their time.
If she doesn’t go, she may miss her only chance to find the truth about Felicia’s disappearance and death—did Felicia put herself at harm’s way, distraught over her perceived rejection?
But if Cecilia does go, she may lose her freedom, possibly her life, and—more importantly—her chance to get revenge.
REMAINS is an 85,000-word adult mystery thriller. It features diverse characters, including a protagonist struggling with her bisexual identity.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
In the paring, we have lost why Cecilia thinks Moe might have kidnapped Felicia. Adding something like "Cecilia gets a tip that Moe kidnapped Felicia, and later that night, Moe somehow manages to text her with links to videos." Otherwise, he's just a creep. Also, I'm wondering why she doesn't just go to the police. As it stands, the two choices you present seem to be missing that obvious third one. Would love other people to chime in about if they feel the same way!