Post by jessicalewis on May 16, 2017 13:56:37 GMT -5
Dear Agent,
Nineteen-year-old Lex Hightower has two of the worst jobs in Alabama: part-time grocery store employee, part-time corpse killer. In the six weeks since some lunatic bombed the South, she’s spent most of her time beating back the radioactive dead and reluctantly helping the useless survivors at the store.
When she learns there’s a safe zone on the edge of the Tennessee-Kentucky Line, she’s not thrilled about walking two hundred miles on sore cashier’s feet. But when she discovers the food reserves in the store are almost gone, she makes up her mind: time to get out of Kroger and on the road.
Armed with a few packs of cigarettes and a metal bat, Lex grabs the two survivors who annoy her the least and sets out on her journey. Ex-friend, ex-meth addict Brian and naïve-but-well-intentioned Tony aren’t ideal travel companions, but she’s not dumb enough to head into a corpse-riddled wasteland by herself. She’s willing to do anything to get to safety and some damn peace and quiet. A two-week trip on foot? Easy.
At least it would be if the corpses weren’t getting stronger and smarter every day.
It would be if a mysterious group weren’t carving Xs on buildings and people.
It would be if the fallout wasn’t just changing the dead, but the living as well.
THE DUST is an Adult Urban Fantasy novel complete at 92,000 words. It is the first in a planned series.
Last Edit: May 16, 2017 13:57:25 GMT -5 by jessicalewis
Nineteen-year-old Lex Hightower has two of the worst jobs in Alabama: part-time grocery store employee, part-time corpse killer. (Nice intro) In the six weeks since some lunatic bombed the South, she’s spent most of her time beating back the radioactive dead and reluctantly helping the useless survivors at the store.
When she learns there’s a safe zone on the edge of the Tennessee-Kentucky Line, she’s not thrilled about walking two hundred miles on sore cashier’s feet. But w When she discovers the food reserves in the store are almost gone, she makes up her mind: time to get out of Kroger and on the road to a safe zone. The only problem is, she'll have to walk the two-hundred miles to the Tennessee-Kentucky line
Ex-friend, ex-meth addict Brian and naive, but-well-intentioned Tony aren’t ideal travel companions, but lex is not dumb enough to head into a corpse-riddled wasteland by herself. Armed with a few packs of cigarettes and a metal bat, the threesome set out on the journey. She’s willing to do anything to get to safety and some damn peace and quiet. A two-week trip on foot? Easy. They should be able to manage it.
At least it would be they would if the corpses weren’t getting stronger and smarter every day. Or It would be if a mysterious group weren’t carving Xs on buildings and people. Or It would be if the fallout from the bombing wasn’t weren't just changing the dead, but the living as well.
THE DUST is an Adult Urban Fantasy novel complete at 92,000 words. It is the first in a planned series.
Hi! Great voice in your query! It sounds like a really cool story. I'm not sure if it's urban fantasy or contemporary fantasy BTW, since you're not sticking to one specific city but rather going on a journey (I have the same issue).
Para 1- very strong. The voice is great, and the first line definitely grabs you. Para 2 - good. My only issue is I don't understand why a grocery store is still running in post-apocalyptic setting. I found myself distracted by the 'huh? how does that work?' question Para 3 - love the cigarettes and metal bat line. Great voice. I felt like " two week trip on foot? Easy" was contradicting the earlier statement about her aching feet. If it was sarcasm, it didn't come through at first. I'd suggest going with something more directly ironic: "All that's standing in her way is a two week trip on foot." Or something obviously tongue in cheek.
Sentences at the end (I'll call these para 4) - Honestly, I found the formatting to be distracting. I'd play with a single paragraph. Short, punchy sentences will get the same impact aross. Also, the X's come out of nowhere, and I need a tiny bit more context - why are they threatening, what is the connection she's seeing between them, does something happen when they see the X? It just so random, it doesn't really draw me in, it confuses me.
I hope that is helpful. This sounds like a fantastic book! Good luck.
Ooh this sounds really interesting! Echoing some other comments from earlier, it's difficult to tell if this is a story about a small town managing to run more or less the same in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, or if it's a straight-up post-apocalyptic scenario where the survivors live in a wasteland. I personally would cut the descriptions of the friends and focus on the plot but use your own judgement on that.
Post by Heidi Kneale (Her Grace) on May 18, 2017 5:51:27 GMT -5
These are the lines that sooooo work for me:
Nineteen-year-old Lex Hightower has two of the worst jobs in Alabama: part-time grocery store employee, part-time corpse killer. At least it would be if the corpses weren’t getting stronger and smarter every day. It would be if a mysterious group weren’t carving Xs on buildings and people. It would be if the fallout wasn’t just changing the dead, but the living as well.
Everything else feels a bit same-old, and yours sounds like any other zombie movie. Could you condense the first three paragraphs down to one?
But your last three lines? Wowza. That's what makes your story stand out. Love the mystery of why corpses are getting smarter, who's carving Xs and how the fallout affects the living.
Like the others said before, the language could be tighter, but otherwise, you've got some really hooky stuff in here.
I feel like cheating because I betaed this story, and it's omg, amazing. but here we go.
I liked the opening: Nineteen-year-old Lex Hightower has two of the worst jobs in Alabama: part-time grocery store employee, part-time corpse killer.
I did not like this line so much: "In the six weeks since some lunatic bombed the South." I feel it's vague. I would use something like in the aftermath of a bombing, leaving the south radioactive.
At least it would be if the corpses weren’t getting stronger and smarter every day.
It would be if a mysterious group weren’t carving Xs on buildings and people.
It would be if the fallout wasn’t just changing the dead, but the living as well.
This part, I'm not sure the formatting works. It feels like a movie poster and I'm not sure if that's quite the way to go with this. I also think you should talk a little more about at the end. Are you going for a Walking Dead type of zombie book or maybe Shawn of the Dead?
Last Edit: May 19, 2017 11:25:34 GMT -5 by taylowe