Thanks to everyone who critiqued! I've made my final changes and then submitted, so no need for further comments.
Version 2:
Being a tax collector is a miserable job, but being a tax collector in a world of sorcerers, undead, and dragons is downright deadly.
The country of Albion is struggling with debt from two wars. Alas, the wealthiest and most magically powerful citizens are disinclined to pay taxes and have transformed large numbers of tax collectors into toads.
Thus, the dryad Head of the Royal Tax Collectors has sent out a call for mercenaries of any species, criminal background, and sexual orientation to collect taxes. Their new recruits include a once and future king, the next prophesied dark lord, and a weapon of mass destruction with the personality of a toddler—but they are effective at getting the job done. Just as long as the gods who want them dead don't catch up to them.
Welcome to the kingdom of Albion, where death is sometimes optional, but even the undead pay their taxes on time.
My 115,000 word adult fantasy novel FREEDOM is the first in a potential series which combines the exciting worlds of high fantasy and tax collection.
P.S. I have an alternate line for the end of the 3rd paragraph, let me know which you prefer. "Just as long as a budding office romance isn't interrupted by one team-member being destined to kill another."
P.P.S. Does anyone have an opinion on if the word "adult" is necessary or if it's assumed by default?
Yes! I love Unlikely Hero stories! My attention was flagging a bit at the end of your first paragraph, but the second paragraph had my full attention. I want to learn more about all of those characters! I would cut out the background history on Albion. I think it's enough to know there are wealthy citizens who are likely to turn tax collectors into toads.
Post by morganalexander on May 14, 2017 2:55:46 GMT -5
LOL. I love the concept. Death and taxes. Great idea. I just have one problem with the query. Most of it is about the world-building which is great and intriguing. But we get to learn very little about the characters. Maybe trim down the background history and elaborate a bit on the recruits? Whose POV is even used? The king? The dark lord? What is it ACTUALLY about, cos there's clearly some conflict if you wrote 115k. A few more sentences in that bit would work wonders to improve the query.
Post by lumpyspaceauthor on May 14, 2017 13:16:35 GMT -5
This. Is. Lumping. Awesome.
I would read this in a second. It seems like maybe it's in the same humor-vein as the Hard Luck Hank series. You've got me hooked, but I think you could hook agents better if you concentrated more on the characters, their goals, and the stakes.
I have a really good picture of your world, and a great intro to your characters. I'm not sure, though, whose POV the book's in, what their goals are (to collect taxes? To improve Albion's economy? Just to scrape out a living/keep from being bored?) And the stakes...they might get turned into toads? That's cool, but I'll bet you can give us something even more intriguing than that.
What does this raggedy group of tax collectors have that makes them 1. want to do this job, and/or 2. think they'll have better luck at it than the others? I think that will give us a better idea of your characters.
I agree so much with everyone else. What I'm missing is that nugget,that line, that detail, that grounds me into this world and won't let me go. I think you can probably accomplish this by bringing in one of your characters and hooking us with the journey. This is so good and super close.
I think the premise for this sounds like great fun. Gives me a very Terry Pratchett vibe. As far as critique, I'm mostly just echoing everyone else at this point, but who are your characters? The tax collectors, I assume. What's at stake for them? Will they lose their jobs if they fail? Be imprisoned? Executed?
Thanks to everyone who looked critiqued! Here's version 2:
Being a tax collector is a miserable job, but being a tax collector in a world of sorcerers, undead, and dragons is downright deadly.
I have to say this first sentence got my attention and is amusing, despite the fact that I've never been a big fan of comedy fantasy. I guess you got me because I'm not a fan of bureaucracy either. The only thing I can point out about it is the list: sorcerers, undead and dragons. I don't know if you need to change it, but I will say I got the gist of it as my eye rolled over it and forgot the particulars. You decide if that's a problem...
The country of Albion is struggling with debt from two wars. Alas, the wealthiest and most magically powerful citizens are disinclined to pay taxes and have transformed large numbers of tax collectors into toads.
What stopped them from doing this a long time ago? Please note though. All queries raise questions. We can't answer them all. I haven't figured out how to sort the must-answer questions from the questions that intrigue. Okay, maybe you should just make sure this unanswered question puts a spell on literary agents.
Thus, the dryad Head of the Royal Tax Collectors has sent out a call for mercenaries of any species, criminal background, and sexual orientation to collect taxes.
Gosh, your list: any species, criminal background and sexual orientation? I don't think you mean to be offensive, but I wonder if adding "sexual orientation" there, after "criminal background" will offend. Maybe replace "criminal background" with something else?
Their new recruits include a once and future king, the next prophesied dark lord, and a weapon of mass destruction with the personality of a toddler—but they are effective at getting the job done. Just as long as the gods who want them dead don't catch up to them.
I'm just wondering why gods comes into it here instead of "powerful citizens" from earlier. I'm also wondering who is the point-of-view character. That's important, isn't it? You give us setting and conflict and do it well in a short space, but I'm worried that the list of new recruits means none get top billing. I don't know though if that's a requirement of the genre. I remember reading a Piers Anthony book years ago - yes, I really don't know your genre - and enjoying it but I believe it had a main character whose voice added to the good times. This query has voice, but whose is it? I assume for some reason it is not the dryad Head of...
Welcome to the kingdom of Albion, where death is sometimes optional, but even the undead pay their taxes on time.
My 115,000 word adult fantasy novel FREEDOM is the first in a potential series which combines the exciting worlds of high fantasy and tax collection.
I like this humor.
P.S. I have an alternate line for the end of the 3rd paragraph, let me know which you prefer. "Just as long as a budding office romance isn't interrupted by one team-member being destined to kill another."
At this time I prefer the one you have there. That one left me wondering why gods, not powerful citizens, but this one creates a lot of questions that may need addressing. It also compounds what I mentioned above about wondering who the main character is.
P.P.S. Does anyone have an opinion on if the word "adult" is necessary or if it's assumed by default?
Seems to me I've read that adult is default so not necessary.
katydid,
To be honest, I have no idea what works, though I am somewhat familiar with what is supposed to work, I suppose! My query attempts have gotten me some feedback but my stats are not impressive. However, my comments may be useful to you, or at least I hope so! Enjoy! And good luck!
Last Edit: May 15, 2017 8:06:23 GMT -5 by downnineupten
Post by Heidi Kneale (Her Grace) on May 15, 2017 21:40:49 GMT -5
Your first line completely grabbed me. Your second paragraph is a bit too wordy. You could trim it down: "Alas, the wealthiest citizens, refusing to pay their taxes, have transformed most of the tax collectors into toads." We already know they're sorcerers.
You really need to name the Head of the Royal Tax Collectors. That said, we do not need to know, at this point, that she's a dryad. We need a name to anchor onto. I'm presuming she's the main character? If so, she must be named. The others can remain as character types, because they're hilarious.
I'd ditch the "sexual orientation" line. It doesn't add anything. a "...call for mercenaries of any species or criminal background for tax collection" works better without that extra burden. The "criminal background" especially sings in juxtaposition with the very legal profession of tax-collecting. If you do have examples of sexual orientation in the novel, that's fine. But it doesn't add anything to the tax-collecting plotline. It sounds more like it belongs to the romantic subplot (which I don't think you need to mention in the query).
Overall, I find this a humorous query and I'd read pages.
I prefer your "gods who want them dead" line over your "budding office romance", as it sounds more relevant to the main plot.
Thanks to everyone who looked critiqued! Here's version 2:
Being a tax collector is a miserable job, but being a tax collector in a world of sorcerers, undead, and dragons is downright deadly.
The country of Albion is struggling with debt from two wars. Alas, the wealthiest and most magically powerful citizens are disinclined to pay taxes and have transformed large numbers of tax collectors into toads.
Thus, the dryad Head of the Royal Tax Collectors has sent out a call for mercenaries of any species, criminal background, and sexual orientation to collect taxes. Their new recruits include a once and future king, the next prophesied dark lord, and a weapon of mass destruction with the personality of a toddler—but they are effective at getting the job done. Just as long as the gods who want them dead don't catch up to them.
Welcome to the kingdom of Albion, where death is sometimes optional, but even the undead pay their taxes on time.
My 115,000 word adult fantasy novel FREEDOM is the first in a potential series which combines the exciting worlds of high fantasy and tax collection.
P.S. I have an alternate line for the end of the 3rd paragraph, let me know which you prefer. "Just as long as a budding office romance isn't interrupted by one team-member being destined to kill another."
P.P.S. Does anyone have an opinion on if the word "adult" is necessary or if it's assumed by default? Holy canole, Batman! I would read. I will tell you that, for an agent, your main problem is going to be the lack of an MC in the query. And the lack of personal stakes because of lack of MC.
Hi Katydid! I echo everyone else, sounds super fun and I'd love to read. Though, you're lacking two main things for a query 1) Introducing your MC, and 2) What's at stake.
You've introduced the world and hinted at the plot (collecting taxes without getting killed), but what is the plot really about? You have the hook. So now, try and introduce us to your MC his/her conflict (or is it just to collect taxes and stay alive? - you mentioned a budding romance?) And then also what is at stake for the MC? (obviously their life, but what happens if they don't collect the taxes?)