Until she finishes her psychology doctoral dissertation, Lexi Finkle is using her well-honed social skills to support herself as professional — chaste—escort. When an opportunity arises for her to help Russell Houston, an Autistic lawyer, navigate a socially complicated black-tie business dinner, she jumps at the chance. She would love to do some good instead of just being an arm ornament.
Russell’s overprotective alpha-male brother, Ryan, hears “professional escort” and makes some wrong assumptions about Lexi’s character and education. He fears Lexi will use Russell, taking advantage of his naivete, and talk him into more expensive, intimate, services she can offer. Ryan goes with Russell to meet Lexi several days before the dinner intending on intimidating her into backing out. Lexi scoffs at Ryan’s obvious efforts at coercion.
When the dinner is a huge personal success for Russell, Ryan is ashamed of his treatment of Lexi. He tries, and fails, to communicate his appreciation for how she helped his brother. As his respect and attraction for her grows, misunderstandings between them continue to occur. Ryan has a seemingly insurmountable battle to fight to convince Lexi that he is not the man he first appeared to be.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS, a dual POV, enemies-to-lovers, romance is 86,000 words in length. I am a member of RWA. Thank you for your time and consideration.
1) I don't hear Lexi's voice. This is my problem, too, so if you figure out a solution, let me know
2) Same for Ryan. Also, he can't know the assumptions are wrong till after the party. Ex. His little brother was taking an escort to the party. An escort! No way in hell was Ryan going to let a ***** take advantage of Russell.
3) i don't think you need para #3. The conflict is all set. His wrong assumption. If you want to go along with the P&P theme, add her pride into the situation.
The man had the audacity to accuse her of being a 'ho.' And now he wants a date. Imagine that!
Hi Hannah! Thanks for sharing your query! Enemies to lovers is one of my FAVORITE romance tropes and what I love about it is that even from the blurb on the back of the book (which is what this is really representing) we can FEEL the initial hate they have for each other and in turn, have a soft spot because we know they’ll get together.
What you’ve given us is really more of a “book report” type of query/blurb, rather than those short, specific sentences that hook us into wanting more. If I was a reader, I'd want to know what has put her into this situation and what her flaw/sub plot is. Romance novels have two plots: the romance, and the flaw/conflict that is pushing/pulling them apart. She needs money because….why? You said it was to support herself, but I don't think that's enough. Did she max out on her loans (easy to do as a PhD candidate) and in order to pay for her final dissertation classes, she’s going the escort route? Is she supporting her sick parent? Does she have an overdue balance at the Bursar's office and she can't graduate? What is it that’s at the root of Lexi’s issue that makes her take the escort job?
I also want to hear about what makes Ryan and Lexi knock heads. This is an enemies to lover's book--so, why are they enemies? Is it only Ryan’s fear of Russell’s well-being? Or are there other factors that come into play? What is it that is pushing them together and then pulling them apart? What is going to create that conflict?
To echo JP, I’m not getting Lexi’s voice—but I’m also not getting Ryan’s. You mentioned dual POV (again…another favorite of mine!) but I don’t see what Ryan’s voice in this, either. Usually dual POV queries showcase both character’s perspectives.
And how much of a role does Russell play in her story? Even though this is enemies to lovers, is it a love triangle, too? If not, I don’t know if I’d mention Russell in the query, but rather go with general terms about “when a client with Asperger’s hires her for a complicated dinner” because the readers are going to be invested in Ryan, not Russell.
I know this sounds like a LOT of things to cram into a query/blurb. And with about 300 words to play with, you have to get the most with your word allowance. But you can do it!
Thanks Hobbs and JP for your input! Much appreciated! Here is my query revised.
The deaths of her parents left Lexi in an emotionally paralyzing pit of depression and guilt. Their deaths were her fault, she is sure of it. No longer able dream of a happy future for herself, she puts writing her doctoral dissertation on indefinite hold. She uses her well-honed social skills to support herself as professional — chaste—escort. When an opportunity arises for her to help a lawyer with Asperger's, navigate a socially complicated black-tie business dinner, she jumps at the chance. She would love to do some good instead of just being an arm ornament.
Her client’s overprotective brother, Ryan, hearing “professional escort” makes some wrong assumptions about Lexi’s character and education. Ryan is sure Lexi will take advantage of his brother’s naivete, and talk him into more expensive, intimate, services she can offer. Ryan is sure no woman can be trusted, not after what his cheating ex-fiance did to him. Ryan goes with his brother to meet Lexi several days before the dinner intending on intimidating her into backing out. Insulted by his insinuations of her having questionable character, Lexi mocks Ryan’s obvious efforts at coercion.
When the dinner is a huge personal success for his brother because of Lexi’s help, Ryan is ashamed of his treatment of her. He tries to communicate his appreciation for how she helped his brother. She scoffs at his weak attempts to apologize. As his respect and attraction for her grows, Ryan has a seemingly insurmountable battle to fight to overcome both his trust issues and to convince Lexi that he is not the hateful man he first appeared to be. Lexi has to get past her distasteful first impressions of Ryan to see the man he really is. She has to overcome her guilt and grief to be able to believe she is worthy of a Happily-Ever-After, worthy of a worthy man’s love.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS, a dual POV, enemies-to-lovers, romance is 86,000 words in length. FIRST IMPRESSIONS works as a stand alone story or as Book Two in a planned three part series. I am a member of RWA. Thank you for your time and consideration.
I like the sound of your story. Enemies-to-lovers is a fantastic trope and this is a fresh spin on it. Did you pick the title (which I love!) because of Pride and Prejudice?
Some suggestions: - "Her client’s overprotective brother, Ryan, hearing “professional escort” makes some wrong assumptions about Lexi’s character and education." --> Hearing "professional escort", Ryan, her client's overprotective brother, makes...
- the second and third paragraph read more like a synopsis than query. I think you can skip some of the events and maybe show more of their emotions?
- I think you can merge the last 2 sentences of P3, shortening them a bit.
I hope this isn't too vague and that it helps! Good luck!
I think the new version sounds much hook-ier than the original. You give us a better sense of Lexi and Ryan's characters, but I think Zoe is right that the second half still reads a bit too much like a synopsis. It's also a tad on the long side, so trimming out 50-100 words could help tighten things up.
Since it's dual POV, have you tried keeping the 2nd P centered on Ryan? About his hangups stemming from his ex-wife, being protective of his brother, etc. Then you can tie both characters together with the conflict/stakes in the 3rd.
Also, is there a specific reason (beyond, being good with people) that prompted Lexi to take up chaste escorting? It sounds like a bit of a leap from a psychology degree, so that could be an interesting hook as well.
Thanks Hobbs and JP for your input! Much appreciated! Here is my query revised.
[ The deaths of her parents left Lexi in an emotionally paralyzing pit of depression and guilt. Their deaths were her fault, she is sure of it. No longer able dream of a happy future for herself, she puts writing her doctoral dissertation on indefinite hold. She uses her well-honed social skills to support herself as professional — chaste—escort. ]
Maybe you could safely delete most of the above. I think you're trying to explain why she's an escort but maybe the next sentence, mostly as is, states enough?
When an opportunity arises for her to help a lawyer with Asperger's, navigate a socially complicated black-tie business dinner, she jumps at the chance. She would love to do some good instead of just being an arm ornament.
Her client’s overprotective brother, Ryan, hearing “professional escort” makes some wrong assumptions about Lexi’s character and education. Ryan is sure Lexi will take advantage of his brother’s naivete, and talk him into more expensive, intimate, services she can offer. Ryan is sure no woman can be trusted, not after what his cheating ex-fiance did to him.
[ Ryan goes with his brother to meet Lexi several days before the dinner intending on intimidating her into backing out. Insulted by his insinuations of her having questionable character, Lexi mocks Ryan’s obvious efforts at coercion. ]
I think directly above is unnecessary detail.
When the dinner is a huge personal success for his brother because of Lexi’s help, Ryan is ashamed of his treatment of her. He tries to communicate his appreciation for how she helped his brother.
[ She scoffs at his weak attempts to apologize. ]
I'm not convinced you need this either, especially because it puts her in a bad light. We also get this vibe sufficiently I think in "distasteful first impressions".
As his respect and attraction for her grows,
Do they continue to interact with each other?
Ryan has a seemingly insurmountable battle to fight to overcome both his trust issues and to convince Lexi that he is not the hateful man he first appeared to be. Lexi has to get past her distasteful first impressions of Ryan to see the man he really is. She has to overcome her guilt and grief to be able to believe she is worthy of a Happily-Ever-After, worthy of a worthy man’s love.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS, a dual POV, enemies-to-lovers, romance is 86,000 words in length. FIRST IMPRESSIONS works as a stand alone story or as Book Two in a planned three part series. I am a member of RWA. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hi Hannah,
I agree with others about loving the enemies-to-lovers theme while believing even the second version is too detailed and synopsis-like, so I made a few comments that may help though you'll have to smooth it out.
I'm curious about something you don't address. I don't know if this is important but I also wonder why Lexi interacts with Ryan again. Does Ryan's brother play into their growing romance? Is his role significant in giving Ryan a chance to see her again? Maybe that is important...?
A suggestion which might you an idea where to start.
Being an escort does not mean being a whore, Lexi Finkle assures herself. She's doing her doctoral dissertation in psychology, for God's sake! If only she could convince some other people of this.
Ryan Houston is not about to let this hooker masquerading as a student take advantage of Russell, his baby brother. Ever since Russell was diagnosed with Asperger's, Ryan had sworn he would protect him. if he had to threaten this... woman into begging off, so be it.
I like the rewrite a lot better than the original. The original is nice, but I agree, it reads like the back of a book cover. The rewrite reads more like a hook and query. I am curious about your closing paragraph. To me (and others I've noticed) your story seems to have a Pride & Prejudice feel, so if you have another book where you can mash them together to provide comp titles like Pride & Prejudice meets Beautiful Disaster, or whatever, my personal opinion is to always provide comps if able. Also, I don't think you need the second 'FIRST IMPRESSIONS' in the part below. You say it is book two in a planned three-part series, are they all related? (Do you need to read book 1 to understand book 2? Or are they all stand-alone stories in a series?)
FIRST IMPRESSIONS, a dual POV, enemies-to-lovers, romance is 86,000 words in length. FIRST IMPRESSIONSIt works as a stand-alone story or as Book Two in a planned three-part series. I am a member of RWA. Thank you for your time and consideration.
REVISED: Of course, I just refreshed myself on the rules for this competition and they specifically say no bio or comp titles. So for QK ignore my suggestion, but I wanted to leave in, just in case you didn't already have it for your general query letter. SaveSave