YA Fantasy - PENUMBRA

Dear (Agent Name),

PENUMBRA is a 87,000 word Young Adult Fantasy for fans of Roshani Chokshi's A STAR-TOUCHED QUEEN and Leigh Bardugo's SHADOW AND BONE. (I love these stories, so you’ve sold me on yours already, but I’m going to keep reading.)

(Consider writing out the number seventeen because it’s at the beginning of the sentence.) 17-year-old Aiyanna Azikwe has spent most of her life building a reputation for herself as the Southern Isles’ most lethal bounty hunter. Now, her ruthless aptitude for finding anyone, anywhere, has banned her from nearly every port in the nation. People are scared of her, and it's the best feeling in the world. (Consider—People fear her, which is just the way she wants it.)

When her closest friend collapses under the effects of a toxic poison, (Consider simplifying—When her closest friend is poisoned,) Aiyanna strikes a bargain with the two Emperors of the Southern Isles to find their missing brother in exchange for the cure. Only the Emperors’ brother is not what he appears to be. (I’m not sure you need the words to be. I think they’re implied.) The blind, gifted escape artist can feel all of Aiyanna's bad decisions with one touch, and he's on a mission of his own to restore the balance of the world before it disintegrates and his family ceases to exist. (Wow, great stakes.) His entire tale seems absurd to Aiyanna, until she and her crew are caught in the devastating effects of the broken balance as it spreads its shadowy fingers across her ship.

All Aiyanna's carefully laid plans and attempts to save her dearest friend (Consider choosing one or the other) begin to (Cut begin to) unravel as her bounty leads her to the discovery a web of treason and murder buried within the now corrupted rulers of the islands. She has until summer to retrieve the cure, but saving her best friend might mean letting her nation and the people she loves fall victim to a darkness that will break their minds and topple a peace that has stood for thousands of winters. (This is good, but I think you might want to play with the wording of this last paragraph and see if you can shorten it. You may have touched on these stakes in the previous paragraph.)

PENUMBRA is a standalone with series potential. (I love the series potential idea.) Please find the first chapter below, as per your submission requirements. Thank you so much for your valuable time and consideration.
Nice job. I’d definitely read this story. I’ve given you some suggestions, but you’re the author, the person-in-the-know. Feel free to toss out any suggestions that don’t seem to ring true.