Post by bronniesway on Apr 29, 2018 5:18:05 GMT -5
This forum was a huge help to me last year, so if you're lurking, be brave! You can do it!
Thanks in advance!
Atheist teen Janine Harper is caught off-guard when her father’s midlife crisis leads him to an evangelical church. The church's Youth Group, led by Constance Buckley, places heavy emphasis on sexual “purity”, and Janine’s dad becomes an organizer for a purity ball (the world's creepiest daddy-daughter dance where daughters pledge their virginity to their fathers’ safekeeping). The ball conflicts with Janine’s secular and feminist values, and her plan to attend a prestigious journalism workshop on the same date. But her father is so proud of her for participating and being his special girl. It's too tempting for a girl who lives in her older sister's shadow. Still, Janine is furious when she finds out the extent of the ball's toxic vision of sex and (lack of) autonomy.
With the help of the hot maybe-not-a-believer boy from church, Janine attempts to sabotage the ball so she won't have to go. But Constance catches them together (again) and insists Janine attend the purity ball—for her father's sake. He would be heartbroken if he knew Janine was breaking the rules of purity, that she would rather have a career, that she doesn't believe in God. If Janine bails on the ball she could lose his love, and his support for her journalism dream, but the vow of purity she’s expected to make will leave a scar on her truth-loving soul. One thing’s for sure: Janine’s definitely not going to Heaven.
Post by jessicalewis on Apr 30, 2018 2:17:22 GMT -5
This is an interesting story! Turns a lot of tropes on their head, and definitely has the potential to be a tear-jerker with the dad.
As far as critiques, I think you have the bones down, but certain wording is confusing/can be tightened. "But her father is so proud of her for participating and being his special girl. It's too tempting for a girl who lives in her older sister's shadow" is a bit clunky and can probably be combined (plus that first sentence is a fragment). "Still, Janine is furious when she finds out the extent of the ball's toxic vision of sex and (lack of) autonomy" feels like repeated info, because of this line before it: "The ball conflicts with Janine’s secular and feminist values." The parentheses are very voicey, but be careful about relying on them too much. For example, you say Constance catches them "again" but when did she catch them together the first time? How long has this been going on? Before or after the dad asked her to go to the purity ball? The last line doesn't really work for me--it sounds like she doesn't care about the idea of heaven, so why bring it up...? I get what you mean, but maybe a different last line would work better.
A few random things I noticed: Constance named but not the love interest? Premise is a bit similar to an event that happens in the show Shameless, but I can see it being different. Stakes feel just a little bit too low for me. Dad wants her to go to the ball. She doesn't go. Dad is...disappointed? Why is she going through so much trouble just to make her dad feel not sad for a day? Maybe if it was related to his mid-life crisis and he's unstable, or maybe this is their last event before college...I'm not sure. I don't have much experience in this area, so it may be just me I hope this is helpful!
This sounds like a great read. A few thoughts below - I'm new to this so please take it all with a grain of salt.
Atheist teen Janine Harper is caught off-guard when her father’s midlife crisis leads him to an evangelical church. The church's Youth Group, led by Constance Buckley, places heavy emphasis on sexual “purity”, and Janine’s dad becomes an organizer for a purity ball. (the world's creepiest daddy-daughter dance where daughters pledge their virginity to their fathers’ safekeeping). The ball conflicts with Janine’s secular and feminist values, and her plan to attend a prestigious journalism workshop on the same date. This part is a bit clunky. I feel like the parenthetical statement would be better as a complete sentence to make the flow easier. But her father is so proud of her for participating and being his special girl. I don't know why but this phrase completely creeps me out. Daddy's special girl. Shudder. It's too tempting for a girl who lives in her older sister's shadow. Still, Janine is furious when she finds out the extent of the ball's toxic vision of sex and (lack of) autonomy.
With the help of the hot maybe-not-a-believer boy from church, Janine attempts to sabotage the ball so she won't have to go. But Constance catches them together (again) and insists Janine attend the purity ball—for her father's sake. He would be heartbroken if he knew Janine was breaking the rules of purity, that she would rather have a career, that she doesn't believe in God. Is Constance blackmailing Janine? It sounds a bit like it... I think if she's just "insisting" then that isn't great motivation to defy her, but blackmailing her with the possibility of losing her father's love (or the perceived possibility) is a bit stronger. If Janine bails on the ball she could lose his love, and his support for her journalism dream, but the vow of purity she’s expected to make will leave a scar on her truth-loving soul. One thing’s for sure: Janine’s definitely not going to Heaven.
"lose his love" sounds like a bit of a grave consequence for missing a dance. What about something softer and more teenager-ey (if that's a thing.) If Janine bails on the ball it could be the last straw for her already troubled relationship with her father, and dash her hopes for his support for her journalism dream...