Mermaids have teeth sharper than any shark, and a voice that will split your skull. PASH and ELANA know this because they've found one.
Pash is a dutiful son, spending his days hauling fish on his family's ship. He hates everything about the islands, from the food to the people. Except for Elana Rose, his best friend. His family returns early from their summer fishing to the island where she lives, and he thinks it means more time with her. Unfortunately, the newly elected mayor has his eyes on Elana, and trouble always comes in threes.
Elana wants nothing more than to get through her chores and get one day closer to her birthday. After the mayor's daughter drowns in a flash flood, Pash has the insane idea to teach a reluctant Elana to swim. It’s a pity she floats like a rock. A dead calm makes him late for their second lesson, and she finds a strange, mute girl at their swimming hole. She's not blind to Pash's bigotry, so she keeps the girl a secret, sneaking her food when she can. The fight they have when he catches her shakes the foundation of their friendship, possibly forever.
With mermaid hunters docked in the harbor, and the mayor losing his mind, the pair must decide if secrets are going to tear them apart, or if they are willing to risk banishment to protect each other and get the mermaid to safety.
WATERBORN is a 125,000 word fantasy with series potential set on a world of seas and islands.
I like the opener. A very different kind of mermaid, and sets the tone for what to expect.
Why does she want to get one day closer to her birthday? There's a logical leap missing.
Pash's "bigotry" seems to come out of nowhere, since I didn't get the impression he was a bigot till now. Based on your opening lines about mermaids, I'd be pretty terrified of them too!
"Must decide" - deadly phrase, I'm told to avoid this and will pass that on.
I like water worlds, I find your premise interesting.
"Where shall the word be found, where will the word Resound? Not here, there is not enough silence."
Post by SilverForged on May 26, 2017 9:49:40 GMT -5
I like the idea of mermaids. Especially vicious ones.
I think there is a sentence fragment in the paragraph after your hook? I may be wrong, but I don't think, "Except for Elena Rose, his best friend." can stand alone. Could you say something like, "Except for Elana Rose, he hates everything etc...." Or "He hates everything about the islands, from the food to the people, {with the exception to his best, Elana Rose.}
The second paragraph needs to be sorted out a little more. Focus on the central conflict between your MC, such as the finding of (who I assume is the mermaid) and the rift catching her in the act causes with her friend.
The mermaid hunters sound interesting, maybe you could elaborate more on that for your query (if they are detrimental to the welfare of the mermaid.)
If you would like any more critique, please let me know.